Purple Watermelon

A Loan Tonight - Complete

2008-11-10T19:37:00.015-05:00

This is likely to be my last entry in this blog, so I need to get a few things out before I can move on.

Firstly, I have recently learned that I feel more alone now than I ever have. I've always had a constant feeling of loneliness, but for the most part I've learned to deal with that. But, after certain events, I can bearly handle this feeling.

I don't want this to haunt me as I move on, so I need to get out all of my thoughts in one session.

It was the end of September, or the beginning of October. It doesn't matter at this point. Actually, it started months before that, but it was on one particular night when Ricky and Jim were hanging around in my room that a whole lot of emotions were spewed all over the place. If I can remember correctly, it was the weekend that Ari's brother was hanging around.

You know what? I can't do this in detail. Sorry, but I'm going to have to summarize.

For a few days Ricky had been noticing that I wasn't being very pleasant to him. It wasn't on purpose on my part, I just do that when I'm very unhappy about something. It was really killing me because I realized what I was doing to him. The day before the crisis hit, Ricky and I talked for four hours straight about how I was incredibly uncomfortable about our relationship and I told him exactly how I felt - that being that I didn't like having this bond with him. The evening of the next day I was talking to my mom online and expressed how we were finally making progress. For the past month I had been physically and mentally unwell because I knew I couldn't go on living with this attachment but I didn't know how to get rid of it. I didn't entirely want to.

Point is, I needed that relationship to end and be forgotten for several reasons - the main reason being that he has the mental level of a 12 year old and I have the mental level of a 25 year old. I have also referred to this as a 90 year old dating a 14 year old. It just isn't meant to work. Also, I was his security blanket. He chose to set all of his expectations on me. Every problem that he had in his life was solved simply from my presence. He told me several times that his home wasn't home to him anymore, and that he was only home when he was with me.

1. Gag.
2. I can't handle being responsible for a child.

What he set on me were ideals. Go read Tess of the D'urbervilles. It'll basically summarize the relationship. If you don't have time for that, have a taste of the essay I wrote for that class.

"...continually demonstrates his inconsistent emotions, particularly involving his relationship with Tess. His behavior towards Tess gives the reader the impression that he is overcome by a childish nature. By idealizing Tess as the perfect woman, he inevitably sets himself up to be disappointed in her human flaws. His insensitivity is proven again and again when he ignores the human Tess and instead chooses to create the image of a woman to fall in love with. "

"Instead of pursuing happiness for two, the men seem to be thinking only of gaining the pure woman. Angel was convinced he was in love with Tess, however, by being drawn to her simply for her beauty, he was essentially falling in love with her body and presentation. "

"...they “unconsciously studied each other, ever balanced at the edge of passion, yet apparently keeping out of it.” (128) " -This is where Ricky was in our relationship, and he was trying to pull me into it. I didn't want to be there at all.

"Gradually Angel formed a being, not Tess, but an ideal woman with Tess’ body. He never seems to understand Tess as a whole. He chose to see the good in her: her innocence, naivety, purity. Although these traits are admirable and apply to Tess, they aren’t what make a complete human being. There were other aspects to Tess that Angel ignored by preventing her from telling him events that greatly affected her in her past. He simply knew what he saw and created the rest in his image of her. Through pure imagination, he envisioned her to be “the essence of woman.” (130)" -Ricky told me on several occasions that I was innocent and pure and a "good girl".

"In this way, Angel wouldn’t be able to accept Tess’ development as a person because he had already settled on an image of her. She became something like a goddess to him in the way that she seemingly represented the ideal state of all women, not just herself. "

"At the very start of the relationship, the love that Angel felt for her was based entirely on passion, desire, and emotion. There was nothing solid present that they could hold on to when the raging emotions of young lovers would eventually fade. Regardless of the conflict of Tess’ past, Angel is so fickle that it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume he would become dissatisfied after he won Tess through marriage. Idols are meant to be admired, not acquired. " -I have to admit, I was writing about myself in this section.

"Although his romantic actions and words swept Tess away, they meant nothing since he was only acting on extreme emotion for someone who did not exist. "

That's... basically how it went down for us. He was all happy with the image he made of me, and I was disgusted with having this child running around like a maniac and having to kiss the boo-boos everytime he fell.

There was a very simple scale that we were both on. One end being Emotion, and the other, Reason. A whole being needs to be somewhere in the middle. This doesn't mean all the time, but in order for a person to be sane but still be able to possess feelings, they should have a balance.

[E]-RB------------------------------LE------[R]

It wasn't healthy.

The way it ended was through his desperation and curiosity. He described his feeling as being in a small room with the walls cornering him and he had to do absolutely anything to get out. I had left the room for a little while to see Ari for something, and when I came back I saw Ricky in the hallway in front of the elevator looking like his was going to throw up. Apparently he was having a bad panic attack, his first. I couldn't do anything for him which was terrible. I understand how attacks like that work though, for me anyway. When I get that way, I can't be around anyone and need to just concentrate on calming down. This usually leads to me being sick for the next forever as well.

After 15 or so minutes he had calmed down enough to request that we go outside. As we stepped onto the brick path, he turned to me and immediately went into that long speech that he does before a hard topic where he explains all of the background information before telling you what he's even talking about. This one began, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

While I was at Ari's, Ricky had gotten on my computer and looked over a conversation that I had been in the middle of with my mom where I said, "he just doesn't understand that I need to end this." Hence, the panic attack.

Obviously, I don't remember much about what happened. I just know that when he said that I wanted to roll up into myself and not have to deal with it. I crouched down on the ground and just hid as much as I could. He ran over to me and fell down by me telling me not to feel bad, or worry or something. He rambled off some other things and then said we should go inside. I guess he didn't like the idea of making a scene in front of Mary's.

We went to the basement which was safe enough. We basically ignored the presence of the few other people in the room. He proceeded to cry and carry on about how he just didn't want to lose me. He said, "Just say what you need to say" or something along those lines. I thought it was a good time to try to break it down into real small words so he could finally understand completely.

"I

don't

love

you"

Surprisingly, he seemed relieved. He said that he could handle us being friends. He was fine with that. He just didn't want to lose me as a being. Yeah, I guess. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
The conversation, or whatever it was, was long. In the end, he finally understood that were were no longer boyfriend and girlfriend.

YAAAAAAY.

Finally. Single.

Oh, but then the next day he asked me to repeat what I said the previous night. I guess it hit him that we really weren't dating anymore and he wasn't going to accept that. So, I had to say it again, plus some.

"I

don't

love

you"

When he responded with pleading wondering if there was any hope for us in the future, all I could say was that it wasn't fair to either of us to wait around hoping that someday things would change. I said that I couldn't stay in a relationship like that hoping that I would fall in love with him. It was a childish perspective to take. It would have been ... well, stupid, for me to have said "Yes, I expect that sometime in the future we'll date again". What was he expecting?

So, having completely and ruthlessly destroyed my emotions, we settled on being able to maintain a friendly form of contact.

Here is where things get really fuzzy, and I have no more sense of time or sequence. Over a span of several days he wouldn't let me live peacefully. He would keep coming up to me asking, "Can we talk tonight?" which always made me extremely worried and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. Why couldn't he have just said what it was he wanted to talk about? Or at least given me some kind of clue so I wouldn't have to be so lost and confused?

I've encountered it many times since. He isn't living in the real world. What he has created is something far more dramatic. He has created a horrible screenplay in which other 12 year olds would love to be involved. But not me. Not a 25 year old who can see past the games.

Several times he has approached me in a state of depression or anxiety, and then left with a confidence that, yes, we can be friends.

At first we couldn't see each other. I knew that everytime he looked at me he didn't see me as a person. He only saw the figure of the woman he constructed in his mind and realized that he could never have her. So, normal conversation was impossible for us. I was in Boston for that long weekend, and successfully avoided him for a while thereafter.

When it seemed we were okay with some contact, things were really great. It was wonderful to be able to talk to him about some things, and to hear what was going on with him. For a while it even made me miss him. A lot.

I guess that's inevitable. When I see his human side, I remember what I saw in him before. But when the child emerges, I can't handle it anymore. I need to keep reminding myself that the child always rules with him, no matter what he says.

Just as a side note, he's taken away all the emotions I should have been feeling at the time. It's like... he took all the fun(?) out of a break up. Instead of being totally devastated, I'm just irritated and in slight anguish. It's ... not really fair. He's done enough sulking for the both of us, and more.

He's come to me several times in the middle of the day with the same "Can we talk later?" question, although he usually adds "Nothing about 'us'". We talked one night about somethings that had been on my mind. It was good.

Also, he's been keeping tabs on me. At first it just seemed like a friend that cares enough to call and text wondering if I'm alright and wondering where I am. But he did these things so extensively that ... it lead me to turn to the word STALKING. One evening while at Panera's with Anthony, Ricky sent me a message on IM wondering if I was okay and where I was. He proceeded to try to call me twice and called Anthony (these calls were not received at the time). He also sent me a text message. I received the next call, but before picking up I said to Anthony, "He's going to say, 'Hey, are you alright? Where are you?'", which he did. Exactly. "I was worried about you."

Don't do that. We're not dating anymore. I am 25 and you are 12. I have far more responsibilities than you. I have my own car and license. I can go out past 9 without having to check in with you. Thank you. He's always tried to take care of me, but the fact is that he can't. He can't tell me something I either don't already know, or that is quite frankly wrong or irrelevant. For a time I tried to just go along with it. Give him the satisfaction of giving me some form of advice. But I couldn't go on like that anymore. He's simply too young.

-Another side note-
To add to the list of why things couldn't work out...

He couldn't do anything for me. He knew that as well. He said he could be there for me, but we both knew that he couldn't really help in any way. To me, a relationship is not something one person can simply draw from. The two people have to work together and GROW together. There was no growth in this. I was the mother and he was the child. I believe that two people should learn from each other and strive to make each other better. He had nothing to give me. So, what was the point?

-end-

He's so paranoid though... it got to a point that it really drove me crazy. Most recently he was talking to me online and asked, "Can I ask you a personal question,". Let me just say now that this is one of the more irritating things he does. How am I even supposed to respond to that? I don't know what the question is, so how can I assess if I want to go into it or not? Just ask me the question and I'll answer it if I want!!!!

Sorry, too many exclamations.

He was wondering if I was okay with him going to church. Needless to say, this was also quite irritating. Since we had obviously broken off our "bond", it really shouldn't matter what I think about it. The truth being, I don't care.

Here, have part of the conversation.

I'm not tired anymore...not physically...just in a metaphorical sense...I'm tired of being as I am
sleep washes away any sense of me and what i dislike about the world

isn't that just temporarily though?

sounds like what you would ask someone who tries to drink their problems away

you can't really change your perspective just from sleeping though, right?

no...and i don't plan to...the me of right now wants to pass the buck on to the me of tomorrow...the me of today is done for now
so, you've been feeling okay?

pretty much

I'm happy to know that.
that wasn't a loaded response...just a poorly worded one

--------

what do you think you'll be doing this weekend?

homework
i have a photoshoot on sunday

no church?

i'll go in the morning

would you like to come with Kevin and I?
he wont be home the following weekend
and he has to go to work at 1, so he could drop you back off here before then
or would you feel uncomfortab;e with the setting?

i guess that would be fine

it's okay if you'd prefer not to go, I don't want you to feel like you have to accept my invitation or anything(guh...sorry my mind is talking to me as you...and it's being mean)

we'll see. sunday is still a while from now

this is why I want to today to be over...my head is...n't all there
i wanted to ask early, incase you had set in stone some other plans by Friday or something
can i ask a somewhat related question to that, but it's really has nothing to do with church?...it's kind of a personal thing
well...it has to do with church...just nothing to do in particular with the invite

i guess so

are you uncomfortable thinking about being in church with me?

i don't really think about it
not really a strong opinion on that

I guess I may have felt like you would be uncomfortable going to church with me because you might feel like i don't belong there...seeing as how I'm not a christian, and you being someone who cares whole heartedly about her faith

just because you aren't a christian doesn't mean you shouldn't be allowed. How else would a person learn if they had to be a christian in the first place?

and i guess I also wanted to ask you as a person, a friend, not just a christian...but you kind of already answered saying that you had no opinion
and it matters to me because part of what makes the church experience for me is the people...I enjoy going with Kevin, but not because of kevin. You were the first person to get me to like going, but partly because I was able to go with you. I miss going to church with you. You made the experience complete. As, in a may, does kevin.
Church is something else to you, so i guess I can understand if you're reading and thinking that I'm missing the point of church all together
but to me, the point of church to me is to heal

it's not unexpected though. I don't like going to church at home alone

I don't mean to assume too much, I'm just putting this together for myself to understand and regurgitating my thoughts through my fingers...and the language can be misleading

you think over things too much

I don't know what i want anymore...so i think...and it gets me nowhere

you're just going to confused yourself and get depressed
just relax

when I do that though, which I know it's the best thing to do, I feel like I'm just running away from things that can be firgured out if I put enough into it
and yes...it boasts depressing results
all of my thoughts tend to fuse themselves into a congl-o-merate of worry...that's where my imagination comes in...and multiplies my bad thoughts and fears by...a lot
and actually...this has only been the past couple weeks

because of school ?

I don't know...well...maybe for the past couple months...probably just the result of my being incapable of handling life's ilk
again...I'll reiterate...I need to grow up
so I know what I NEED to do...and I know HOW...I just can't help but feel like i'm missing something...like I'm not being told everything i need to know to make the pieces of the puzzle whole

worrying about it isn't going to help anything

pieces of of pieces of a puzzle...that come together to make another piece to a bigger puzzle

you just need to be patient and accept what you have right now

I have no other choice
that's what I've been doing...literally...just not in other ways

i know, life sucks a lot of the time, but so what? There's also a lot of good in the world, but you have to be willing to see it and take it for all it is

what are you thinking right now?

what?
I was... thinking about what we've been talking about for the past ten minutes?

(Let me just pause a second and point out that it's very... odd, to say the least, to be in the midst of conversation with a person and then have them burst out asking what you're thinking about)

it amounted to that thing you said about life sucking?...that seemed unlike you...which is why I had to ask what you were thinking
I'm sorry...i'm not angry or anything...I just need to end this conversation now...and go

ok
goodnight

End.

The next day I found a typed, two-page letter on my floor that apparently had been slipped under the door while I was at work. I brought the note to Ari, who was also at work at the time and passed it on to her. I simply couldn't take anymore of his antics and I had absolutely no more mental capacity or sympathy or time to deal with it. After a moment of her having to calm me down out of a potential hysteria, I watched as she read the letter and then slip it into her bag. She told me I wasn't to read the letter, not at work. She also said that we needed to do something for me tonight.

I never read the letter. I don't care to. She's kept it, and has likely thrown it away. Or eaten it.

The next day I had philosophy with him. After class we began walking back to our seperate housebuildings like we usually do. In the area where we usually part, we began to end our normal conversation and he asked if I would be going to dinner that evening. Probably.

"If I don't see you later, I want to just be able to say this to your face. I was wrong. I haven't grown up." Exit stage right.

My first impulse was to throw my thermos at him, but it's new and far too cute. I also wanted to yell at him saying that he's not doing anything good for either of us. Instead, I just laughed and wandered around for a while, spent some time playing arcade games, and laughed a bit hysterically some more, apparently leaving some individuals concerned.

Is that not ... the most ridiculous statement you've ever encountered? I guess there could have been worse. But this just broke everything in me. I'm not so far beyond sympathy for this boy that I've had to completely seperate myself from him. I'm refusing to get involved in his games anymore. If he wants to go play soap opera, he'll have to do it with someone else.

If he genuinely cared about himself and me, he wouldn't leave me hanging like that. It's like stabbing someone with a needle, leaving, and then coming back days later to tell them why you did it.

Sometime that same day he sent me a text saying he wanted his letter back and that he should have never sent it.

Well, guess what. You did. You wrote it. You slipped it under my door. By getting it back you aren't solving anything for anyone. This is CHILD'S PLAY. You should have left this back in SIXTH GRADE.

Since then, I have ignored every form of communication from him. He's tried calling a couple times, and it's simply always been at a time where I haven't been able to answer my phone, or I just don't hear it. But, even if I could, I wouldn't answer it. I am in the process of changing my phone number, my email address, my philosophy class, my IM name, and anything else that I can come up with. This is why my blog has been permanently locked. This whole time I haven't been able to express my frustrations about this relationship because he reads this. It might seem like an poor reaction. Am I just running away from the problem? No, I've confronted this to it's peak. I've dealt with it in every way that I can, and now it is time to break the chain completely.

Also, this is the last entry because I will be locking myself out of my account. He also has a blog, one only I have permission to. It's too much to fight against just not going to the site, so I'm going to make it impossible to get in. I will be creating a new blog and keeping it under close tabs for a while until I'll allow it to be open.

So, where do I stand now?

Alone.

I'm at a point now where I'm so lonely, but I'm afraid to be close to people. I don't often feel safe like I should. Even in an environment I'm familiar with, or with people who have been my greatest friends, I still have a constant unsettled feeling. Part of me is paranoid. Nearly everytime I leave the bathroom to go back to The Hole, my room, I half expect to see Ricky lurking outside the door waiting for me. I'm afraid of getting to know someone too well now. I'm doubting my judgment and feelings. Specifically, I'm very afraid of the next "dating experience". Will I reject my own feelings because of assumptions about myself? Or will I force myself to be comfortable with someone because I feel that I have to in order to move on? Will I compromise?

I'm getting paranoid. I fully realized this when Ari and I were in the basement. She turned to me and said, "It's a good thing we decided to come down here. Ricky was just at your door." It was like getting hit by a wave in the ocean. My stomach instantly developed a gaping hole and my whole being shut down. The terrible tingly feeling didn't go away until an hour later. I remember when she looked over at me and noticed that I looked sick and had to reassure me that everything was okay. He was gone.

Things like this keep happening. Meranda snuck up behind me today and it scared me. Not because she suddenly popped up next to me, but because I knew I was being followed. Even now, if I'm in a public place like the library, I feel like someone must be looking over my shoulder reading everything I write. I jump at the sound of shuffling papers. It's like someone is always there but I just can't see it. It isn't that they're hiding, it's just that I can't see.

I will be editing and updating this post for a little while. I just wanted to get it over with for now, but there are potentially more things I need to express on the issue that I will not be bringing with me to the next blog. It needs to be settled here. Until you see the word, COMPLETE in the title, I will continue updating this particular post.

The way this entry has been written may sound harsh or cold on my part. It didn't happen that way. It's not like I was miserable through the entire relationship. But it wasn't often that I was happy either. There were a few really great days. I mean, really great. We went to Bokkie's one night and stuck around until it closed so we could just talk to each other. But a few times like that isn't worth the agony of trying to sustain a stable relationship. I tried. I tried more than I should have. But now I can clearly see that it's not going to get any better. He can't move on and I'm not going to stay behind with him.

If he truly cared about me, he wouldn't be haunting me like this.

Have you ever seen a situation where a little kid admires someone significantly older so much that they can't help but cling to them? Sometimes the older person has to be straightforward and say, "You need to let go of me now."

I want to be done with this. We had what is probably our last exchange the other day. Before I left for home on friday he somehow found me in the basement. I was in the middle of trying to control a panic attack that had been gnawing at me for the past 36 hours when he appeared and destroyed any progress of calming I had worked so hard to achieve.

I told you I've been paranoid, right? Luis wandered down not long before that and I was so scared when I looked up to see who it was. My whole body was shaking and I felt like I had just been shot and couldn't fully grasp the idea yet.

So, you can imaging how I felt when Ricky appeared in front of me looking totally livid. It was the first time I had seen him since the day he stomped off so dramatically leaving me with a great desire to chuck my thermos at him.

"Two things. Are you reading the philosophy book? No? I want it back. I'll pay for the other half. Also, I want my stuff back. It doesn't have to be now. Are you busy?"

It's surprising that I can actually remember his words exactly. I was thrown into such a horrible panic that I couldn't even keep my head up. I could barely mutter "Kind of" in reply to his question. Without any other sort of communication, he left.

Thank you so much for turning the knife again.

The only thing I could think about after that is that he must have wriggled his way into my blog and was crushed at the harsh truth.

After a little while of trying to calm down, I went outside and talked to Bill on the phone for about 45 minutes, trying to forget that I had just been shot again. Ari came by looking really worried and asked if I wanted to go the the seminar with her. I did.

I even got an email from him later stating basically the same thing. He wanted his stuff back. What, did we get a divorce? He also said that he wanted to have his things back by the end of the weekend and that he wanted to get them himself. Well... I wasn't even on campus, and there was absolutely no way in hell I was going to let him come near me again.

The night Ari and I traveled back to school I had to ask her to come with me to my room because I was just so scared that he would be waiting for me there.

The day after we got back I made the long trip over to Jim's dorm to drop off Ricky's stuff. Finally. That was done. A few minutes before my meeting with KB (I took about 30 minutes with him to have a breakdown and watch how terrified he looked when I told him everything that's been happening to me) my phone started vibrating with a call from "Brayton". I didn't pick up, so he left a voice mail. Since I couldn't bring myself to listen to it, Bill offered to, although I don't know how to work my own phone, so that didn't work. I just waited until I saw Ari later. The message said something along the lines of "Thanks for bringing me my stuff. I need to talk to you. It'll only take 10 seconds."

Before hearing the message, I was in my room earlier that day (after KB and before Ari) talking to my mom on the phone when Ricky knocked on my door. I knew it was him, but I couldn't just ignore it. I opened the door, and again, looking completely infuriated, he said, "I don't care if you don't want it, just take it" and shoved the money I used to pay for the philosophy book at me and walked away. I couldn't go to class at that point. Every bit of my world was being devoured and I couldn't stand it anymore. I got off the phone and went to The Art Store and bought paints and pastels with the money I'd just gotten. The majority of the day was spent painting nonsense.

We're almost done with this, I think. In the next couple of days I'm going to be working on a letter to his father explaining what has been happening and where I stand now. This isn't a letter saying, "I hate your son, get him away from me." I don't know what he knows of this situation because I don't think that Ricky talks to his dad about much of his personal life. I just want him to understand what has happened and to know that I respect his family, and really love them. Since I'm quite positive Ricky thinks I'm...well, a bitch...(I don't mean to be crass, but it's the only word I can think of to properly describe it) I don't think he could ever see what truly happened. I'm sure he's dwelling on the past still, wondering if I was ever truthful with him and if I was ever the girl he thought he saw. I'm sure he thinks I'm the snake that lured him into this obsession. I just want someone to understand that I'm not the typical heartbreaker. There is reason here.

-UPDATE-
Here is a copy of the letter I sent...

November 20, 2008

Dear Mr. Brayton,

I assume that you know that Richard and I are no longer dating. At this point, we aren't even friends and I don't expect us to become such in the future. There are several reasons for this and I won't go into all over them, but I do want to be able to explain some things and try to make this situation somewhat comprehensible.

Ricky discovered that I didn't want us to be together by quite drastically invading on my privacy. For this, I would probably never be able to hold a good deal of trust for him again. As he has done before in a situation like this, he put the blame on something inhim he apparently could not control. It's a bit hard for me to grasp as to why this came as such a shock to him. We'd had extensive discussions about how I felt uncomfortable with out relatioship. Even over the summer I was very unsure about everything and he knew this. He toldme he would give me all the time and space I needed to figure things out. Although it sounds nice in theory, time and space can't heal things. When he said this, he never considered that I might come to a conclusion that didn't involve him directly in my life.

I didn't end the relationship becauseI'm fickle, or was bored. Like I said, I was thinking about this a lot over the summer as well. Ricky isn't a bad guy at all. He is very caring and respectful. However, he can't help me. I'm not saying that I only want to date someone who will take care of me. What I'm saying is that when two people are together they should be able to work with each other and build each other into better people. This combination just didn't work between us and I was very unhappy, and I've been told that I shouldn't be in a relatiohship that doesn't make me happy.

This is something I've learned about myself in the past few months and that is that I sacrifice myself too much. There are so many times where I will ignore my own pain or unhappiness so that I won't hurt someone else. I simply couldn't live like that in this situation. I was putting out half-hearted feelings and that wasn't fair to either of us. This relationship wasn't right for either of us, whether he chooses to see that or not.

I understand that he is very upset with this idea. He has told me things such as, "I can't unlove you" and, "I idolize you." I can sympathize with his feelings, but what he saw isn't really me. He chose to see a perfect being, something I am far from. This has been hard for me as well. Over the summer and throughout the semester I have been a wreck. I knew I couldn't go on living hoping that things would change, but I was so afraid of hurting him.

In the end, we tried to be close friends, but that only worked for a short time. He continually confronted me on past subjects and reminded me of how much pain I caused him. He reminded me that he still loved me. By doing this, he never gave either of us a chance to move on. As soon as I would htink we were on solid ground again, he would approach me again, dwelling on the past.

As much as I would have liked to drop everything and try to make his life a happy place again, I can't abandon my responsibilities to take care of him. It came to a horrible point where I was physically ill over being stressed and afraid of running into him. I couldn't read the letters he sent me or the messages he left on my phone. The last time he approached me I had to make the conclusion that it was impossible for us to go on like this. He wouldn't let go of the past and move on. So he was preventing me from doing this as well. At this point, I've had to cut him off compeltely. Regardless of whether or not he is ready to let me go, I need to move on and can't wait for him anymore.

I can't take any more of this physically or mentally. My health has dropped considerably. I wish we could go back to enjoying time together, hanging areound Mike and John, and just having fun together. But I understand that it is impossible now, so I can't dwell on it.

He can survive without me. He has great friends and family that can always be there for him. He doesn't need me to hold his hand. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person.

I would like to apologize. I have no doubts that I've disrupted your household. To me, it seems cruel to create bonds with people and then so suddenly reak them like this. I feel like I've abandoned your family.

I will be at LeMoyne for one more semester, and then I will be transfering to a school to better fit my needs. I don't expect you will hear from me again.

-Lisa E.

Obviously a couple things I said in the letter have changed. I don't see him as being a nice, considerate person anymore. I can't say for sure if it's truth or scars in my mind, but I can now say that I really despise that person.

When I wrote the letter I had hoped that I would see Mr. Brayton in person to hand deliever it, and even drove all the way to his house on a really snowy night to do so. They keep their door locked though, and didn't hear me knocking or notice I was there, so I just stuck the letter in the door.

Since then, my mom has gotten an email (the 4th) from that boy apologizing again. He said he was talking about this with his parents a lot. About their divorce mostly, it sounded. He blamed their situation for the was he acted and also admitted that he has a problem. He said he would leave me alone. That, I can't fully believe since I've heard it so much before, but let's hope that parental intervention will help.

We're assuming that his dad didn't know anything that happened and has since forced him to talk about things.

Well, good then. Go have fun playing with your problems.

When I said that I wished we could just enjoy being together and having fun again, I meant it, but also knew that it would never happen, and even if it could have and he tried, I would never let it happen again. Now, I hope that never happens. It's better that we're not friends, actually. I'm glad that he had to blow up and screw everything up. Now I can realize how much of a creep he actually is. I hope I never see him or hear from him ever again.

Since the end of the semester, I've been doing alright emotionally. On the last day I got a little nervous because I knew he stopped over at Ari's to say whatever. Honestly, I think he's still trying to use my friends to reach me, like he's done to my mom and my sister. If he ever....ever....contacts my brother, I may just have to shoot him. Are you allowed to say that these days?

I'm pretty much settled with the idea of him being a pest from my past now. Mostly. There are lingering thoughts and feelings that make me really sick though. This break is the first time I've been at home for an extended period of time since summer. Since he was here.

I really hate myself for that. I hate that I let him come here. I hate that a little kid dragged me into his play time and let him do these things to me. I hate that I let him touch me, and I hate that I was so weak I couldn't even say no.

There are times when I'm in my house and I'll just remember something he said to me or something he did. The feelings that come aren't sympathetic. I feel more like I'm going to throw up.

For so long, I just knew that things would absolutely never work, but I kept trying to keep him happy. I gave up so much of myself for him. I knew that things were wrong, but I kept getting convinced that it was still okay for now. He told me that I would get used to the things I didn't like because he was my first ever boyfriend. I understand that there are things about a relationship I will be uncomfortable with and things I won't even like, but that some of the things I'll just deal with. But, I dealt with far too much this time. And that's why I'm afraid now. I'm afraid of myself.

So, I'm going to be getting sad once in a while for a long time.

This issue is mostly closed. I think it's safe to finally shut this page down.

Let me just say that I am grateful for the people helping me through this.

So, goodbye Purple Watermelon. I didn't want to have to part with you this way.

The feeling tone was one of lost love,
bitter, as I woke with a cigar mouth;
but, as Bing Crosby and others have said and
sung, it's better, etc. You can't lose love
unless at one time, in some way, you had it.
As one grows older, one grows reconciled.
The names of the lost are at home in their beds
with difficulties of their own. Not including me.

-Gavin Ewart

The only thing left now is fear.

Tea with Demons

2008-11-06T00:40:00.004-05:00

There are a couple quick things I just want to spew on my page tonight. These are things that should be discussed in much more detail than I am willing to go into at this point.

Point 1:
I'm single. No, it wasn't easy. No, I haven't forgotten anything. No, I'm not cold-hearted. I'm just not letting this stop me from moving on with my life. When something is over, let it go. It's over. By hanging on, you'll only end up choking someone. The tread will get thinner and thinner and will finally snap. You have to get on stable ground and just let go.

Point 2:
I'm bitter. Towards what? Men and relationships. Friendships that become dangerously intimate.

Point 3:
I'm very easily irritated, especially RIGHT NOW.

Point 4:
I feel like an open book. No, an open body. The way things are now, I feel as though my stomach has double doors on it and they are open leaving all the guts to spill out. I don't like that feeling at all. Stop looking at me like that. Leave my guts alone, will you?

Point 5:
I've been pretty happy lately. That's good. That's great, actually. I'm becoming a bit more stable lately. Well, a couple nights ago a had a full fledged breakdown and sobbed all over Ari (who very graciously allowed me to be as snot-nosed as I pleased). I kind of feel like I could quite easily do that right now, but I'm far to bitter to and far to bored with being sad.

Point 6:
Got to talk to Jeff, the comic guy, for a while tonight. That was cool. He's fun.

Point 7:
I need to leave Le Moyne. There's no way I can graduate from here and feel confident that I'll have gotten what I wanted out of four years in college. I don't want to leave Ari though...

Point 8:
Went to the Syracuse Heroes Expo over the weekend. Such great fun. I'm looking forward to next year. Maybe I'll dress up as Tifa this time. Photos are to come when I'm good and ready.

Point 9:
There is no point 9.

Point 10:
Something feels very wrong. I'm getting a horribly strong feeling that we're being attacked. We being me and my friends. Somehow, it all revolves around me, though. Everyone is getting hurt and their feelings are being beaten because of something to do with me. I'm... quite frankly, sick of this. It's an issue that just needs to go away. There's no explanation, there's no solution. I can't do anything about it anymore. It just needs to go away now. I realize that the whole world revolves around this idea that leaving a problem is running away from it. What is the big deal about escaping something bad? Things just change. If there's nothing good to come from something, why bother sticking around? The idea of "running away" is too cliche and meant to stay in the stories and movies. Deal with your problems and forget about it. There are too many things to miss in this world if you're sulking.

Oh, got a little rant-y there.

Goodnight. I'm fine.

-Lisa

It's Black

2008-10-28T23:01:00.001-04:00

The Highly Sensitive Person

2008-10-27T01:09:00.004-04:00

I have other, more relevant things to talk about, but I need to get this bug out of my head first. The others will have to wait for now.

The past couple days I've felt very sensitive to everything and I've been crying a lot; It's a bit of a change for me. I'm terribly lonely and I don't know why, and I don't know what to do about it either. The more I feel alone the more I just want to stay here in my room and not see anyone.

I guess I'm just feeling a little lost in the corner of my own heart.

Hmm... I don't want to go to class, but I will. I'll do things the way I normally do.

Um, I guess that's all. I'm just really sad, okay?

-Lisa

Victim pt. 3 & 100th Entry

2008-10-21T17:37:00.009-04:00

Congratulations to me for making it to 100 posts in so little time! A lot has been going on in my life it seems. Let's not stop here!

Let's finish up with horribly painful story.

Among other things, it was also impossible to handle my contacts, so I ended up wearing glasses for a few days(and there is one of many reasons the people with contacts also have glasses). The process that I had to live with after burning my hand was almost just as bad as when it happened.

There were things like people bumping into me, trying to eat(Ricky had to do a lot for me - opening yogurt lids, bottles of water...), and just coping with the pain that made daily life difficult. After I started going back to class my hand started swelling really bad and made it incredibly hard to handle. I couldn't move my thumb at all. The joints were shot as well, which made me feel a bit like I had a bad case of arthiritis.

Since I'm sure you're curious, I'm giving you a link here to a photo of my wound the day after. You don't have to click the link if you don't want to. Personally, looking at it makes me sick.

http://img517.imageshack.us/my.php?image=006uy1.jpg
http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=007vq2.jpg

The next photos were taken three days after.

http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=008yp8.jpg
http://img515.imageshack.us/my.php?image=005zl7.jpg
http://img293.imageshack.us/my.php?image=007oi3.jpg

As you can see, the wound very quickly became a bloody mess. Everytime I took the bandage off to clean the wound and change the wrappings, I felt like I was going to be sick. Not only was it far beyond any pain I've ever been through, it was also the sickest thing I've ever seen/smelled and it was my own body. It became gradually worse as the flesh began to heal. By the last few days I didn't think I could get through changing the bandage. I was really that close to fainting or becoming physically sick. It wasn't the best thing for the hospital to give me an ace bandage. That's more for sprains and the like. This was an open wound that oozed and bled, so the bandage would get stuck to the dried blood and such and made it all the more painful to take off three times a day. I also had to rub a cream all over it with aided to the oozing and the burning pain. I cried a couple of times when I put it on...

The swelling scared me. I didn't know if it should do that or be that painful. The doctor told me to try to keep moving my thumb even though it killed, otherwise the skin would heal tightly and I wouldn't be able to move it at all later. But, with such terrible swelling, I really just couldn't move it at all. I went to the health office on campus (the one that is a million miles from my dorm) after receiving a call from them asking if I could come in. I guess the security office talked to them and they wanted to check up on me. As lame as it might sound, I was glad they were actually looking out for me.

Ricky came down to the office and waited with me. He also filled out the info sheet since I obviously couldn't. Something makes me think that I felt nasueous at the time.

You know, I really hate doctor's offices. The last three or so times that I've been in one I've cried. This was no exception. But this time it was from pure pain. After the nurse took off the bandage it was like an army of tiny little air molecules began to bite my flesh with their tiny blunt teeth. After some encouragement, the nurse left for a long time to do who knows what. Eventually, the doctor came in to look at the spectical and right away started poking at it asking, "Can you feel that?"

She asked about the burn clinic and why I didn't go. Although I had decided I didn't want to go back, she told me I needed to make an appointment. So, she hopped off to go call the hospital. It was at this point I think that Ricky had to leave to make a class. The woman popped back in the door with an expression on her face that could only make me think of my fourth grade teacher when she was annoyed with her students.

"Can you make it to the hospital in half and hour?"
"Um...well, I don't know anyone who could drive me there, and I can't exactly drive mys-"
"YOU HAVE A SIGNIFICANT BURN ON YOUR HAND."
".............okay."

Yes. I realize that. Thank you for reminding me. And yes, she actually turned that sentence into some kind of loud outburst.

I managed to get a hold of Jim, who was actually sleeping at the time (he needed all the sleep he could possibly get at the time because of his job) and he said he would bring me. The doctor had me wait in another room where I could be watched and they could see that I actually went with him. What did they think I was really going to do?

Anyway, Jim eventually got there ten minutes later. So, by this time it had been about twenty minutes since the woman asked if I could be there in half and hour. Jim didn't realize we were on a time crucial mission and ended up walking me partially to my room. When I realized we weren't going to his car I told him to go get it and meet me outside the dorm. By the time we actually got to the burn clinic, I'm sure we were at least fifty minutes late. They took me anyway.

After another hour of waiting around for the doctor to come back to the room, a large woman came in and had to ask me the usual. What happened, when, have you learned your lesson? I'm sure I was asked all that information at the very least 6 times. The woman asked me to take off my new bandage (I got another one from the health office) and said she would be back soon. I took it off and immediately fell into another pit of absolute agony. She didn't come back for another good fourty minutes.

Doctors... please.... don't leave your patients in agony while you take your sweet time doing anything else that's unrelated.

When she got back she brought three other women with her, all of which proceeded to torture me by putting terrible pressure on my hand while trying to clean it and wrapping cotton-like bandages around it. They also put on a cream similar to the one I had which also burned. The woman asked me what the cream was that I was using, and when I said I didn't remember the name she laughed at me and exploded with, "You're a college student and you don't even know the name of the cream you're using?!"

The rest of that week was just more of the same. Changing the bandages several times a day, gradually bleeding more and more (you could see it through the bandages even), and keeping my hand raised to keep the blood flow under control. There were also several people that wanted to see it, but I never showed them because it was just too painful to remove the wraps. In the last few days I'd take it off and blood immediately would start dripping into the sink. It scared me a little at that point.

A week later I went back to the hospital and the doctor (a different one, a dude) had me peel off the remaining dead skin (which was sickening in itself) and wash the rest of it with soap for a while. After all that he just told me to put lotion on all the time so it wouldn't dry out. Most of the wound was covered by this point. It's completely covered now, but there's still a horrible red scar because all of the layers of skin haven't revived yet. I don't know how long it will take for that to heal, or if it will completely. As for pain, there is only mild pain once in a while which is generally just a feeling like when your foot falls asleep and the blood is becoming active again. I have complete mobility in my hand and the joints don't hurt as often.

So...

That's good. I'm glad that's over.

THE END.

In other news...

I recently went to Boston to visit Emily and get a break from this campus. I'm now officially in love with that place. I want to live there.

For the most part, I love travel, and I love trains. Not so much this time though... Ari brought me to the train station where we thought we would be running late, when in fact the train was delayed an hour and a half. Once on the train we were traveling for almost an hour when we stopped in the middle of no where with no cell service for fourty-five minutes. It wasn't until the very end of the mysterious stop that we were told we couldn't move because the police had seized the tracks while they were looking for a couple kids. Delinquets? Children playing? Who knows. Started going again for almost ten minutes and then stopped again for another fourty-five, this time without and explanation.

So, I met Emily at the station around midnight, not 9:30 which was the original time of arrival. It was great and exciting even through my dead-tired state. Her immediate response to seeing me was "You're hair is green!"

We got back to her house where I met Brynn, Reba, and Juicebox and then went to bed.

Boston is so full of great things. That's where I belong, okay? Or at least where I need to vacation all the time.

We started off with some coffee at some delicious cafe where we listened to some guy play guitar for a while. Oh yeah, we also stopped in at Black Ink where I nearly went into a cute-coma.

We went to the science museum the first day where I took a copious amount of photos of minerals and animal skeletons. On the way there I found Pooh's house.

Lunch at the park. Pinocchio's pizza, which is the best pizza I have ever had, and boba slushies.

Afterwards we wandered around Boston Commons for a bit and I bought some super cute shoes. There was also some tall building in the distance and some dead apartment complex.

Sunday we went to Jamaica Plains and had breakfast and wandered around until we came to the Arboritum, a giant parklike place. We basically just layed around in the grass for a long time watching people and thinking. It was such a beautiful day for that.

We then trekked to the christian science center place and had another good dose of lounging about and thinking next to a beautiful reflecting pool.

That is one place I would love to spend a lot of time at.

We did a bit more wandering around in a shopping area until we were both really dead and tired. We ended the day with some more boba...

Emily couldn't hang out much after that because she had to go to work, but I managed fine on my own and actually had a wonderful time doing so. I went to an aquarium and saw a lot of jellyfish...

The last photo is the fountain at Christopher Colombus part. How appropriate, as it was Christopher Colombus day.... It was so peaceful there. Splish splish....

On the way to the Aquarium I saw a guy get on the train that reminded me of Bill. I suddenly really wanted a hug and very seriously has to resist the urge to go hug that guy. That would have been intersting, and I almost wish I did it. It made me realize a little how much I wanted to be able to share what I was feeling with people. The place I was in, the atmosphere...

Before going back to Harvard Square I found Feniual Hall and explored there for a bit. There was a man there performing some kinds of tricks, but mostly just entertaining people by picking people out of the crowd to tease.
http://www.luckyshow.net/

After that I just went back to Harvard Square and loitered outside the coffee place and listened to the guitarist play. There was a man sitting at a table in front of me who paused his conversation with another man to tell me he liked my hair. He said it looked good on me and that if he was younger and brave, he would do something like that.

Eventually Emily came by and sat around with me and we talked about the events of the day. I described to her my love for trains, the screaming child at the aquarium, and my fascination with people in general.

I'm sure that a lot more happened on that trip in plenty more detail, but I can't remember. The point is, I really loved it there and I can't wait to go back.

On another end of things... I didn't get back to school until 1AM because I missed my train by about 5 seconds. I met someone there named Christopher Grant and we sat around and talked about things like school and music for a while. It all started because he saw my shoes and really liked them and felt the need to tell me. He really wanted to keep in touch with me so he wrote down his name and wanted me to look him up on facebook. Unfortunately, Christopher Grant is a very common name, and also unfortunately, this process caused me to be late for the train.

I cried for a while and called my mom so I could be hysterical for a while. I didn't want to go back to the lobby because I didn't want to run into Christopher and have to explain that he made me late. He didn't really. It was my own responsibility to get there on time...

After a while of running around and talking to ticket vendors I managed to buy a ticket for a bus that was going to Syracuse at 5:oopm. With that settled, I had a good 5 hours to spend in the station. I opted to wander around the city a little which turned out to be incredibly painful. I had a lot of very heavy luggage...

I went to Chinatown which was basically just a clump of dirty chinese and korean resturants, jewlers, adult stores, and bakeries. I wanted to wander into one of the bakeries but didn't feel that much ambition with the mixture of heat and weight on me. I did get some bubble tea though, and that kept me alive for the rest of the wait for the bus. I wandered through Chinatown just enough to realize how dirty and smoke filled it was, and turned around and went back to the station where I just got comfortable and listened to music for several hours.

The bus finally came, I got as comfortable as is possible on a bus, and just closed my eyes for the whole trip. I felt terrible. I didn't really sleep at all, but I was so exhausted. My eyelids were screaming about how heavy they felt and how extremely tired I was, but I couldn't really sleep at all.

The bus finally got to the station and I stumbled off, incredibly confused and lightheaded, but I was met by Ari who gave me a big sympathetic hug and we went back to school.

Great trip. Horrible travel experience.

I was originally planning to write about four other topics, but that's far too much to put into one entry, even if it is my hundredth. The writing is becoming a tad dry, so I'll leave you with this for now. Be seeing you soon!

Let's just say that right now there's just nothing that can make me feel completely good. I can feel great, but lately I haven't been able to be completely at ease. We'll see what will become of this.

-Lisa

Victim pt. 2

2008-10-18T20:43:00.003-04:00

And now... the continuation of Victim.

So, I'm at the security office with Ricky. I can't remember if I told them what happened of if Ricky did. What I do remember is the outrageous agony I was in and the only way I could attempt to cope with it was to throw my head down on the counter and cringe. They asked if I wanted an ambulance or a taxi. Should I have gotten an ambulance? I really didn't want to be in one of those. However, the taxi did take forever to get to us and the driver was so freaked out about the whole situation that he drove erratically and actually backed into a sign in the parking lot to start out. I crouched next to the building as we waited for the taxi, a napkin over my hand that the lady gave me suggesting that it might keep germs away from the wound. It mostly just increased the pain and got stuck to the remaining wax and oozing.

At some point during the wait, possibly shortly before the taxi got there, a man who works in the cafeteria came by and asked if the burn had been cleaned at all. When we responded that it hadn't, he fetched some neosporin from his car and put it on my hand. I was terrified at that moment because I was sure that the cream was going to kill me because there couldn't have been any possible way for the pain to go beyond that point without leading to death or a coma. I don't remember it killing me, putting me in a coma, or increasing the pain, though.

We eventually got to the hospital where the receptionist took her sweet time to get all of my information. She had to ask what happened, what my name was, contact info... She asked for my insurance card as well. No, I did not have my insurance card. After thuroughly scorching my flesh, I wasn't terribly interested in fetching my WALLET in case I need some cards when I went to the EMERGENCY ROOM.

After another long wait, they finally let me into the back where another lady asked me my name and what happened. I don't remember exactly what happened here. Eventually Ricky came in with me. I don't know if it was then or in the other room. Another long wait and they put me in another room where a doctor told me it was a second degree burn. There was more, but all the details have turned into a sloppy blur for me. I just remember crying and saying "freaking" a lot, especially when the doctor mentioned a possibility about me losing mobility in that part of my hand. Suddenly everything in my life broke apart then.

He gave me ice and told me it would keep the swelling down. He also gave me a good amount of pain killers and perscribed some antibiotics for me. It was horrendously painful, but he wrapped my hand up with an ace bandage after applying some kind of cream(did he?).

Eventually, we left. I was still in an enormous amount of pain, but I had become accostomed to the throbbing and agony. We had to wait around for another taxi for a while. I'm really glad Ricky was there with me... When we got in the taxi the driver passed back a notepad and apparently wanted a signature from me. After starting at the paper in confusing and disbelief for a moment, I scribbled down some form of initials with my left hand.

Back at my room, feeling somewhat delusional and dizzy, I called my mom to let her know what happened. I kept the ice on my hand all night which soothed the pain a bit and also made that one spot of my bed soggy. I didn't go to work or to my classes for the next couple of days. When I went to see Joan to tell her I couldn't work she jumped right into telling me what my next assignment was before I could say anything. I had to push through her words to exclaim, "I can't work! I burned my hand!" That's when she looked and saw that it was all wrapped up and responded with a worried mother look. She said she's get someone else to handle my work and not to worry about it.

It was a really horrible process. My hand hurt so much that I had to keep it elevated so the blood wouldn't rush to the wound. The pressure was quite uncomfortable. It was hard to get dressed in the morning. Anything with long sleeves was too painful to try to put on. It took me twenty minutes to put a jacket on one night. Several times Ari had to help me get my arm through sleeves to jackets and cardigan-types. It was also incredibly difficult to shower. Or eat. Or...do anything.

Oh yeah. The doctor said that I was to go back to the hospital "first thing in the morning" the next day. How was I going to get there? I positively could not drive. Luckily, JimAndOrJames said he would bring me in the morning. So, we went. We got lost in the building for a good hour before finding the burn clinic, and were then turned away. Yes. When I went to the desk, they didn't know who I was or why I was there. However, they did say that my information was faxed to them that morning. Great! BUT I didn't make an appointment so they wouldn't see me that day and I would have to wait for the doctor to come in at the end of the week. Fine. They also scolded me for having ice on my hand. When I told them that the doctor said to keep it on my hand, they just looked at me with disappointment.

Stay tuned for the conclusion when I'm more awake.

-Lisa

Black Eyes

2008-10-18T01:40:00.003-04:00

Can I just express that I know some amazing people that love me?

I'm in very high spirits tonight.

Why do my jammie pants smell like lilacs? Looooove it!

Victim pt. 1

2008-10-02T23:08:00.002-04:00

Tuesday evening, 6:00, Mary's basement.

At the time I was feeling a bit strange. One of those feelings you get after you've been around a lot of people for a significant amount of time, and then they all suddenly leave. It isn't exactly loneliness, and it isn't fatigue. I suppose it's just an aura of uneasiness that no one can ever really describe.

I couldn't just sit around and feel bad for myself so I decided to have some fun with a container of wax I happened to have in my room.

By the way, Andrea informed me not to tell people I was "playing with wax" because they would get a very wrong image of what was going on.

Uhhhhhhh……

I popped the container in the microwave and punched in what I believe was 20 seconds. Here’s where the big problem comes in. I’m pretty positive I put in 20 seconds, but after all the shock and all that, I started doubting myself and thought I may have made the mistake of putting in 2 minutes. You see, the mary’s microwave doesn’t have a working screen. The screen just constantly flickers lights of nonsense. I also discovered later that the microwave doesn’t stop when it should. I found this out more or less through a breakfast mission with Ari when we were nuking bacon. It burned. Also, 1 second equals 10 to this machine.

So, I threw that container in and ran to the bathroom. When I returned, the specimen was done cooking away, as it should have been (though I didn’t realize it had been in longer) so I opened the door and...

SMOKE!

Smoke started billowing out of the door, so hoping to not cause the fire alarm to sound, I grabbed the container and pulled it out causing most of the substance inside to spill over onto my hand and all over the countertop.

Tragic as it sounds, I can still smell the wax and feel the burning liquid splashing over my hand.

This is about the time shock occurred. Now, when things like this happen to me, I don’t respond with screams. It was more like a painful groan that viciously fought it’s way out of the murky pit of my soul. I threw my hand under water in the faucet in hopes that the wax would still be liquid and would wash off, but to no avail. Somehow my mind told me that I needed to run into the bathroom instead of staying in the kitchen to try to save myself. So I ran to the bathroom and peeled the wax and my flesh off the area around my thumb, much like you do a sticker off a glass surface.

When something like that happens to you your mind is very one sided and can only focus on little details one at a time. I knew I was in terrible pain, but instead of thinking to call security or grab an RA, I just knew I had to get a hold of Ricky. He was what I needed at the time.

I tried calling him a few times fully aware that he was in a 3 hour class. All this time I was running around the academic building hoping to find him. I ended up sending him a text message that read “Help”. That was so cruel, but I couldn’t do anything else at the time. I really hate thinking about that. Since there was no response and I couldn’t seem to find the room, I actually went to the 2nd floor lab and looked up the room number online, all the while slowly slipping out of shock and realizing how much agony I was in. It hurt so much worse when I stopped moving. There were a few other people in the lab at the time, but I guess they didn’t here me moaning as I sat there (I didn‘t want them to notice anyway).

On my way towards the room I ran into Ricky in the hall as he was attempting to call me. It really kills me to remember how scared he looked as we met. It was a legitimate state of fear, and it really was an emergency, I just feel like it was horrible for me to make him worry like that. Although, if I had said, “Oh, I just burned my hand, could you help me please?” I don’t think it would have made anything better.

He asked what happened, but at the time I couldn't think consistently enough to explain what I was doing. Also because I was mildly embarrassed about the whole circumstance.

We journeyed to the health office which we quickly discovered was closed. Apparently the school assumes that health issues do not occur after 4:00 PM. Next option, counseling center next door.

Ricky got someone's attention while I leaned against the wall holding my hand up and whincing; there was only one lady in the whole building it seems. The lady came over to me and babbled some garbage, asking what happened and blah blah blah. I think it was when I said, "wax" that I absolutely died inside and began sobbing. Her pitiful response to my breakdown was, "Shh, it's okay. You'll be okay", in which I responded with what I find was the proper way to deal with the situation. This particular way was saying, "No, I'm not okay. This hurts" - angrily.

She had me sit down while she called the security office. I just sat there while and cried out of pain, shock, frustration, and fear. The lady returned with instructions to travel back up the hill to the security office to let them handle the unfortunate issue.

About this time, 20 minutes had already passed since the wax boiled over my flesh. My hand was oozing some horrid smelling liquid substance and was positively tearing my insides to shreds.

There are two truly horrendous parts of this whole experience. One being the thought that I could have restricted mobility in my right hand, and the other being the sickening smell of dead flesh.

------

Just now I closed my cell phone and dropped it on my desk as my tear ducts remembered how to function. My only explanation is that my body is physically exhausted with people being inconsiderate and insensitive. It isn't like I conciously decided, "okay, I'm real mad at the whole world now and it's time for me to cry." My body just wanted to let me know it was tired of being treated poorly. The phone call was to the hospital where they cut me off mid-sentence (again) while I was trying to explain myself, and they very rudely told me they don't give refills and if I wanted more pain killers I would have to see my personal physician (which I guess just sucks for me because I'm only four hours from home) or go back to the hospital for them to look at me.

Yeah.

Like looking at the burn is going to tell them how much I hurt. ONLY I CAN TELL THEM I'M IN PAIN.

-----

I'm going to continue this tomorrow. I need to get some rest so I can take on the tomorrow thing.

Also, so you don't get confused, most of this entry was written quite a while ago. I'll try to finish it up as soon as I can!

-Lisa

2008-09-23T12:21:00.002-04:00

just woke up

Mild Outburst

2008-09-23T09:47:00.003-04:00

Why do I have to be the one that is alone now? Why can't I be given support when I'm feeling like crap? No. That just doesn't happen. Instead, everything turns around. I'm not allowed to be down because I'm Mommy and have to take care of everyone who is begging for attention. So, now I'm left here, away from everyone, not even sure who I would want to see in hopes of getting comfort.

I want to go back to bed.

It works again. Ever since I blew my hand off, my tear ducts remembered how to function. We've been practicing a bit lately.

I quit. How's that?

You can disregard this outburst in a few hours because I'm going to just have to get over it and move on to more important things than feeling sorry for myself.

-Lisa

Mummified

2008-09-18T14:08:00.004-04:00

I burned my hand Tuesday evening on hot wax. Liquid hot wax. I was in the midst of pulling it out of the microwave and it splashed over the side of the container onto my hand between my thumb and index finger.

It freaking hurt.

For now I'll spare you all the gruesome details. More so for my sake because I'm not in a comfortable position to type. Maybe after I take the pain killers and get my bandage changed I'll come back and moan and groan about the experience.

I just want to point out a couple things before I take off.

I'm alright. The pain comes in drastic waves sometimes, but I've dealt with pain before. Although, I must say that this is probably the worst pain I've ever been through. But still, I'm okay. Sometimes I get really scared, especially when I take the bandage off. I'm terrified that my hand will never be the same. Will I be able to draw again?

Oh, Ricky is here to take care of me. :]

Trapped in the Last Dream

2008-09-14T00:11:00.000-04:00

When I woke up this morning I had this feeling like I was in a messed up dream where nothing ever made any sense and left you with a strange uneasiness. Usually you wake up from a bad dream and realize that you are really alright and you can forget the uncertainty you had. But this time I was already in a comfortable state until I woke up into the dream.

My alarm didn't go off this morning so I didn't wake up until 1. Maybe sleeping in that late caused some kind of confused mental state. I set it to 11 so I could be up in time to photograph the dance workshop for KB, but I must have done something wrong when I was setting it.

Since yesterday I've been shaking a lot. It happens sometimes because of the meds, but this was a little unexpected. I shook a lot when I first started taking them, but it eventually went away. I'm guessing it's reoccuring because I wasn't consistant with taking them for a while over the summer and now I am back on track. Ricky noticed when we were in class yesterday. I was reaching for my coffee and had a hard time successfully grasping it. It's the sort of violent shaking you might get when you are terribly nervous about something. It was at it's worst at that particular time. So far it hasn't gotten that bad again. It's just a little annoying.

Coffee...

Yes...

A while back I was at Dunkin Donuts to get a muffin and I saw an ad for caramel coffee. Doesn't that sound positively delicious? But, the problem was that I've never liked cofffee. I did say I would try it someday thought just because it sounds wonderful.

One day last week I was feeling really down so I escaped from campus and drove around fayetteville for a while. I thought just wandering around for a while might help. Help make me feel better? I don't know. It would just help. Anyway, I went into Panera at the end of my trek where they happened to have caramel lattes. Yessss! I figured I might as well try it out while it was right there. What was there to lose (besides a significant amount of cash)?

And now I can't turn back. It's so great to be able to get through class without getting drowsy, and I can even stay awake through movies. WOW! I think I've had six or so cups since I started drinking it. Yummmm.....

-Intermission-

I want to put this down before I forget.

On the way to the security office this evening I ran into Trippy Kevin. He was coming up the path from the ball field and we met on the sidewalk towards the office. We sort of said hi to each other. Kevin and I aren't friends, but we know each other from... lunch. Hmm... you know, I don't really know how we met. The first time we had interaction was last semester when Andrea and I went to the leather lounge to hang out. He was high at the time and thought that it being 2:00 was trippy. I think I might know him through Anthony. Well, anyway, I sit with him in the cafeteria sometimes when there are other dudes around.

Anyway, when I asked him what he was up to he kept his eyes foreword and responded after a long pause, "Withdrawl."

I've never really known anyone who was so concentrated in drugs before. Honestly, I'm really worried about him. I don't know him all that well, but lately he seems really down. It's like he's in a permanent emotionless-delusional state and has to travel viciously through a series of puzzles to make his way back to some form of reality in order to give you a one word response so he can slip back into the delusion. I can't tell if he's concentrating really hard on something, or really has absolutely nothing running through his mind.

I asked him if he was going to be alright. He was really sweaty and doing that determined "don't mess with me" walk. I don't know what I was expecting him to say. I guess that's why I asked. He said, "What, you don't think I'll be okay?"

"......"
"......"
"I don't know."

We entered the office; I got the parking pass for my mom, and he withdrew some cash from the ATM. On our way out he asked, "Are you excited?"

"About what?"
"Do you have something to be excited about?"
"Not really"

He said something else, but I can't clearly remember. It was something morbidly positive. Well, I didn't know what to say or do, so I just wandered in the other direction back to my car. I realized how threatening he is in that moment. When I looked back, he was gone.

No more thoughts on the subject for now.

-End Intermission-

My hair is blue.

Andrea did it for me and Ricky documented it. Eventually I'm going to get the clips uploaded to my computer and we're going to make it into some kind of film.

First we bleached it.

Ricky said I looked like a refugee here. ^

This is the blue I was actually aiming for, but what I have is good too. It's more green than anything, but that's fine with me. So many people have approached me with compliments. It makes me happy :]

Other than that, I've been having a lot of fun now that I'm back in Syracuse. Ricky and I have gone out to Roji's a couple times.

People have been hanging out in my room a lot. I didn't expect that to happen since my single is so tiny. The Hole. It's great though. So far there had been four people in here at a time. Let's see if we can make it five! I'll have more to say about that a bit later, but for now, here is a photo of the giant pizza we ordered when we watched daywatch, nightwatch, and the host.

Something has changed inside me.

-Lisa

System Failure

2008-09-10T10:19:00.003-04:00

I didn't mean for my next entry to be like this. I've really wanted to write about all the excitement and fun that has been going on for me. But, right now, I just need to vent I suppose. I'll get back to happiness later.

For now, I feel like I'm already a failure. I've missed a few classes so early in the semester. Classes with professors that don't care about me much. I'm just a student, not a human girl. I can't seem to take my classes terribly serious. English is okay, and philosophy is too, but other than that, I can't really force myself to care.

Some parts of my life are being ignored too. I guess that is what is nagging at me right now. Like Anthony said, I need some Me time to reflect.

Don't give me answers. Don't give me riddles or force yourself to be sympathetic. Listen to me.

One thing that I found is that I miss Jessica. Ever since I got here I've felt like something is missing. There is an emptiness that is indescribable. At night, when I'm alone and unsure of myself, I wish she was around to talk to. I feel like.... someone took my partner away. Things just aren't right, but I guess I should have expected that.

Things aren't bad here. I'm just troubled and need to spew for a little while. When I write again I'll tell you about my adventures.

I finally shed a tear today. That's one thing that makes me feel a little less like a failure.

The strange thing is that the things keeping me alive are in turn killing me now.

Ugh, sounds so emo. I'm just troubled... Life isn't awful. Life has finally become my friend again. Just, for now I feel like I could function better if I was disconnected from everyone. Free to come and go, maybe?

Last night I got painty.

"COME BE THE MADMAN WITH US."

-Lisa

I've Forgotten All My Lines

2008-09-02T08:14:00.001-04:00

Ricky is sad.

I don't know what to do for him.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

-Death Cab for Cutie - I will follow you into the dark

Another Dimension

2008-08-31T11:03:00.003-04:00

Wow, what a horrendous morning. This is what I did for an hour and a half, not neccessarily in that order.

Now my gas tank is depressed and so am I. Obviously, I never got to my destination.

-Lisa

Friday Night

2008-08-22T22:32:00.000-04:00

I'm discouraged.

And I prayed, "Lord, you have to kill me"

2008-08-19T10:14:00.003-04:00

Mom directed me to this broadcast. If you're interested, maybe you'll learn a little bit more about me. If not me, you could learn something about someone else. I think it could help you understand.

"It was like any kind of stress you got around you responded to it ten-fold."

"At times it would crescendo. It would hit a definite panic attack which is even worse because you don't know what it is. And you're thinking, "Am I losing my mind?" That makes you more anxious then you're anxious about it making you anxious. And so, it's kind of an emotional perfect storm."

"It's the only time in my life that I've thought about dying. I asked 'God, You need to kill me'"

"It's like having dark glasses on and everything you see, your relationship with God, everything is emotionally gone. It's a frightening place to be."

"All of us have had times of discouragement and being down but you know the the difference when there is something physical inside of you that hits you. You know the difference."

http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Focus_on_the_Family/archives.asp?bcd=8/18/2008

Not feeling so good today. Extra shaky and kind of blah.

-Lisa

Monday

2008-08-18T15:17:00.005-04:00

I'm packing today. The fridge got a good cleaning and is now patiently waiting in the car.

Oscar Jones has been in the house a lot today. Hmm...

Can this guy be my roommate?

This wind is crying because no one is flying a kite.

You know what would be amazing? A katamari kite. Yessssss.

My bruise is turning yellow and that's gross.

See it?

-Lisa

Trains to Carry Pt. 3 and Beyond

2008-08-15T19:07:00.002-04:00

The past few days have been more than I expected, or wanted. But, I should finish up my first story before I get into that.

We went to Mary Lou's house one evening. Although I've never been close with any of her family, they've always been there and are my parents' friends. I like being around them. Everyone seemed happy to just be able to sit around and goof off for a while. Ricky and I tried to make some no-bake cookies, but they didn't turn out right. :[ It was fun to bake in Mary Lou's kitchen though. I would like to have a kitchen like that someday. There's only one wall that separates the kitchen from the dining room and there is a big opening like a window, so even when you're in the kitchen, you aren't cut off from everyone. And that means less people have to be in your way when you're cooking! You can just kick them out to the other side!

Shannon and Amanda came over one day and we attempted to play Munchkin. It took me a while to get used to it, and I don't think Shannon or Amanda ever caught on completely. When Amanda asked what it meant when the card said she gained a level, we didn't know how else to respond but to stare at her for a moment and explain that it meant she gained a level. It's a fun and silly game that I'd like to be able to play again sometime now that I know what I'm doing. I was ready to sabotage Kristi, but didn't get the chance. Till next time...

He got to meet Jill one night. We went over there along with Kristi and Baby Junpei (PS3) and got updates, Folded, downloaded some games and trailers, and roasted marshmallows. We sat around the fire on the cool night and watched the flames flicker and light up each other's faces. Dark nights, warm fires, cool breezes, and friends. Who could ask for more?

We went to the fair one night to watch the demolition derby. We also walked around and watched Julia poke at the chickens. I bought cotton candy. :] And Ricky turned into corn.

Hahaa... we watched Monty Python. I'd only seen clips before. Hahaha...

We went to the mall after dinner with my parents one night and I showed him what is left of the mall. Part of it anyway. We just went into the pet store and looked at fish and spiders.

We went grocery shopping a couple times :D

Towards the end of his stay he met the majority of my family. Asher and Erika came up for the weekend so everyone wanted to come to meet Owen. There were lots of children around. It wasn't terrible though. I was wiped out after the first wave because it was so sudden, but when Jenny and Jodi were up with their kids it wasn't so bad. I think I'm better with kids now. I'd never been able to handle kids before, but now I feel like I'm able to communicate with them. Before, I never knew what to say. Kids aren't so bad.

That about wraps things up I think. It was a great week. It exhausted me, and it exhausted Ricky even more. After seeing him off at the station I couldn't go home right away, and when I did get home, the house was empty. The next couple of days were ... hmm... not terrible, but not good. The months that we spent apart weren't so bad to me. But after he was here for so long it was weird to be alone again. Seriously, I was going a little crazy.

And guess what? He left on monday and then I drove out to Syracuse to bring my mom to the eye surgery place on Thurday. I also saw him that day.

Now begins a whole other story.

I never imagined that that day would be so long and full of... a lot of things. The boring part is what we were there for. I drove all the way to Mattydale which was actually fun. I liked being able to drive the long distance. Mom and I spent a long time at the eye place and she had to go in and out of offices all morning. Around 1 we got a hotel room in which I sat around and watched Burn Notice while I waited for mom's surgery to end. That was the boring part.

When mom was settled into the hotel (which was extremely boring for her) I drove out to Syracuse to pick up Anthony who was playing in the road with one of his brothers (he introduced me to two of his brother as Mario and Luigi. I can't remember their real names) and then went out to Never Neverland to kidnap Ricky.

Seeing him again was weird, actually. It almost seemed too ordinary. I don't even think that's the right word. It was like, "Oh, I remember you". It could have just been me. I think I just missed him a lot.

Roji's was fun. We all went out for tea. They rearranged the rooms again, so I had to get used to the environment again. Tomomi wasn't there, which was too bad, but I'll see her again eventually. They were out of taro at the time so I got strawberry instead. The guys were so silly. I got a little hysterical a couple times and laughed to the point of crying. I guess that should have told me something.

On the way back I got lost. I don't even know how that happened. I've directed people around Syracuse plenty of times and never given bad directions. I don't know where we ended up or how we got back, but I started freaking out about then. I'm usually fine with getting lost. I just ... get unlost. It's great. So, I'm not sure what happened then.

Stopped at Han's and saw the Han's lady again. I wish I knew her name. I keep wanting to tell people that we're on a first name basis, but I really don't know her name at all and she doesn't know mine. Ari and I just went so much that she began to get to know us. About school and family. We even saw her when we went to the Secret Garden which she apparently owns as well.

When we left Han's it was already dark out and I guess the city lights were too much for me. After dropping Anthony off at his house I started getting really nervous. It felt the same way as when I would try going to school on those days I was sick because of dairy. I stopped at the Wegman's parking lot and panicked for a while. Paced around and convulsed until we walked around inside the store for a while. It was really terrible. After a while I felt like I was calmed down enough to be able to drive again. I didn't want to, but we were stranded otherwise. From this point to the next I can't remember much.

The next point was when I hit the limit of...whatever. Panic attack peak, I guess. I had to pull over and get out of the car. After that I knew I couldn't do anything. Couldn't drive at all. I called mom fully aware that she couldn't do anything for me, but I didn't have anything else I could do.

This is basically how the conversation started...

"Mom, I'm-"
"I'M SO BORED"
"Mom, I'm having a panic attack."
"I can't watch TV"
"Mom, I'm having a panic attack. I can't drive."
".........okay."

Apparently she thought I said I was in a cabbage patch and couldn't drive. I crouched down on the side of the road to talk to her and everytime a car drove by I thought it was aiming for me. I couldn't do anything even thought I felt like that either. I've never been so convinced that something was going to kill me and yet I couldn't do anything for myself. Mom ended up talking to Ricky for a little while and in the end Ricky ended up driving me back to his house. Just not having to drive made me feel better. And Ricky is a great driver. :D

I called mom from his house and we decided that me trying to get back to Mattydale was a bad idea so staying there for the night would be best. That made me feel better. It made me feel safer.

His parents were perfectly fine with that, and his mom especially was understanding. She's had panic attacks and said how much it sucked. We could definately relate.

Ricky and I went outside for a while so we could walk around. I felt a lot better because of the fresh air and movement. Talking about non-sick related things was good too.

You know what? The stars are the same no matter where you look up at them from.

We ended up going to John's house, then to Mike's, then back to John's and back to Mike's. Although it was hard to see, Ricky assured me that the lake was beautiful and later on Mike confirmed that fact.

After we found John, who was at his house the whole time, we walked around with his dog that got kidnapped. Nick, the guy I was never expected to meet, came around in his car and drove off with John's dog. It was great. Then we lost John. He ran off trying to catch Nick and we didn't see him again until Nick drove around yelling at him with his car speaker thing. That was the best part of my day.

I also got to see Mike's monster of a dog, listen to him play the piano, and walk around with Ricky in the moonlight.

John(I think) rummaged through Mike's cupboards and pointed out that the oreo's were always stale or overly bendy. "Whoever opens them last never closes the package again." For some reason, that really sticks in my mind and makes me laugh.

Unfortunatly, I started feeling pretty sick so we made a quick escape back to his house. The rest of the night was really rough. I'm just going to give you the surface since it actually makes me qweazy to relive it in my mind. I fell asleep for half an hour, woke up in a panic feeling like I was going to vomit, screamed for a second out of pure hysteria, and ended up running outside in the dark. Just so everyone knows, I get really crazy when I'm sick like that. I bit my arm and discovered a bad bruise from it today. I bit my fingers a lot too, but no damage was caused.

I slowly inched my way back into the house, starting with spending half an hour in the garage praying and trying not to freak out. I considered trying to sleep there, but it was too cold. Made my way inside and fell asleep on the steps until I realized I was drooling. That always seems to happen. I can get to sleep when I'm not trying to, but when I do try I just get sick again. When I got back to the room I tried to get to sleep again, but this time sitting up in the corner of the room. Laying down is always something I can't do when I'm like that, but I also get so tired that I can't stay awake either. It really causes a bad conflict in my body.

I eventually got to sleep and slept the remainder of the night. 4 hours. That's something I never want to have to do again. But I don't think I could have been in a better place. If I was back at the hotel I wouldn't have been able to fight it like that.

The next day was hard to start. Mom hadn't eaten since 1 the day before and I had to bring her some food. I couldn't do anything myself, but I was afraid to wake Ricky up. It was only 7 AM. It had been a long night and I felt bad about having to pester him about everything. I didn't know if I could drive back to the hotel, so he came with me. It took a while to figure out directions, but we managed to get back even through all the traffic (it being the morning rush). After getting there and taking a shower I felt a lot better.

Mom had to go back to the eye place for a checkup so Ricky and I stuck around in the waiting room. Poor guy. It was really early.

We drove around and went to some stores for the rest of the morning. Something weird happened towards the end though. Ricky started getting a little crazy in the store. Not sure what that was about. Apparently green tea makes him hyper? But then he got really quiet again when we go back to the car. I wanted to be able to talk to him before we left and at the very least thank him for everything he did for me, but I never got the chance. He told me not to feel bad about everything, but there was no way I couldn't. When mom and I got back to the car I just sat in the driveway for a while. It was so hard to leave like that.

Well, that's the end I guess. It was a great and terrible two days in Syracuse.

It was great to see Anthony. It was great to spend a lot of time with Ricky, regardless of feeling like poop the whole time. It was great to wander around in the dark with him and his friends. I hope we can do that again.

"Lisa, you have plenty of opportunity. Don't muff it."
"Muff?"
"I just invented it."

Feeling down today.

-Lisa

Trains to Carry Pt. 2

2008-08-13T21:47:00.002-04:00

You know, I should never wait until the end of an event to write about it. I should be writing as it happens over time. Like when I was in Oswego, or Hersey Park. That worked out really well. Otherwise, I get too far behind and more things pile onto my mind before I can sort out what was already there.

The topic for today, and probably tomorrow (since this is most definately going to lead to a part 3) is my week with Ricky.

Ever since that strange week I spent at school in order to film the play, Ricky and I have been trying to come up with a scheme on how to see each other over the summer. After countless plans, we were finally able to spend some time together here at my house. It was a really great week. Long and short. Intense and calm. We did a lot of things.

I really liked just being able to play games with him. It was nice to be able to hang out and have fun for a while without having to worry about other things. But, the times I was especially happy was when we went out together. Like when we went to Bokkies, and to the movie theatre. At Bokkies we just sat and talked about things the whole time. Nothing important, really. Memories, things about ourselves. I really wished there was somewhere else we could have gone after we left there. The park would have been nice, but it was already dark outside. Although, we did explore Walgreens, which I have never been to before. That place is pretty spiffy.

Then there was the movie theatre. It was really after the movie that I enjoyed the most. The movie was good, and not at all scary like I expected after seeing the ad outside. Well, there were a couple parts that made me cringe, but it was just from me expecting something, not so much because something really happened. So, we grabbed some food afterwards because it was pretty late. Eleven, I think. I felt so silly then. Looking back now, I can't remember exactly what went on, but I do seem to recall being overly giggly as we ordered food and waited for it. That's alright though. Being giggly is good for me. Bubbles of happiness, right?

We sat in the parking lot at the mall and talked for a while there too. I got a kid's meal and got the Snoopy/Woodstock toy. Awesome! Definately gettings kid's meals more often. I couldn't even finish it.

That's what I like. Spending time with him.

Hmm... what else.

I sort of forced him into going four wheeling with me. He didn't seem to want to at all, but I personally couldn't miss the opportunity. It had been so long since I drove around like that. The four wheeler here has been in a coma for a long time, and I haven't had anyone to ride with me anyway. I can't entirely tell if that was okay with him or not.

I'll have to continue this later. I'm driving my mom to Syracuse tomorrow so she can get an evaluation for her eyes to see if she can get surgery. Hopefully all will go well. Hopefully I can run into a couple people while I'm there too.

See you later!

She's a cool kid.

-Lisa

Trains To Carry Pt. 1

2008-08-04T10:50:00.006-04:00

I'm back from my Jersey trip! It's good to be home. I've been more content lately about home life. This is a safe place again, and I can be or do whatever I want here. Although I'm still trapped, the walls aren't crushing me anymore.

The morning I left we woke up late. We were supposed to leave around 5:30, but didn't get up until 6. Asher's phone alarm didn't go off...

Even so, I made it in time for my train. The train to NY Penn station from Jersey was filled with businessmen and women all clutching their computers and reading documents that we supposedly important. It looked just like the school bus for children in which the kids schedule the bus ride as a study hall before class. Although, it was significantly quieter.

I got off at the wrong stop. Only for a second though. Newark and New York sound a lot alike. It doesn't help that both train stations are called Penn Station either. I thought it was odd that not many people were getting off at the stop. I assumed that NYC would be where everyone would have to go (and don't forget that this was at a sickeningly early hour of the day so my thoughts weren't all coherent). I pretty much knew I wasn't supposed to get off as soon as I stood up, but by that time, there was no turning back. When you get to a station like that you can't just stop and contemplate anything either. The train stopped and I moved on like a zombie just like the rest of the rushing crowd.

But I was positive I was in very much the wrong place. Wrong state, even. So, I just casually stepped back on further up the train. You can't understand how thankful I was that I actually noticed I didn't recognize anything.

One of the train attendants asked me for my ticket, which I knew he would and was afraid of. I just had to tell him that I gave it to another attendant already, which was true, but I'm sure he didn't entirely believe me. Awkward moment. But everything was okay. I understand a whole new level of "olympics" now.

While on the train I'm pretty sure I sat next to an author of some kind. Either a writer of novels or a journalist. The second she sat down she began furiously scribbling down thoughts or details on paper. Even with her claiming that seat I sat alone most of the ride back. The woman spent all of her time in the cafe car while it was open. I suspect she was writing back there too, where should could actually observe human interaction.

I managed to finish off Conrad's Fate. I read over half of the book without stopping, and I must warn you that it isn't a brilliant idea to read on a train for that long like you might think. I was plagued by a spikey sort of headache for the next three days.

Out of boredom, and plain silliness, I snapped a photo of a sleeping guy sitting across from me. Hah.

No, I don't suppose that's anything to be proud of. It was entertaining at the time. I kind of wanted to scoot over next to him and snap a photo of the two of us while he slept so I could say, "This is me and the sleeping guy!"

Due to certain cirumstances, I had to use the restroom while on the train. The first trip I didn't. Things like human survival don't effect me all that much (like eating and drinking, which I didn't do for the 15 hour trip down). But, in this case, there was no avoiding it.

TERRIBLE IDEA.

Everyone decided that the stop in Albany was a good chance to be refreshed, but apparently the toilets don't flush when the train is shut off. BAD. There was absolutely NOTHING that was going to convince me to go in that room, so I waited until the train started again and was well on it's way to the next stop. Even with the train running again and the toilets un-bombed, it was the worst experience I've had in a long time.

Don't do it. Ever. EVER.

Mom and I went to Friendly's for some eats when I finally reached my stop. I'm sure I talked her ears into a coma because it was the first time in several weeks that I'd been alone with her. That was definatly fun. I saw Joe in the resturant too. Hah. It's always when you go far away from home that you see people you know. Like in Pennsylvania. Weird, isn't it? I crashed their table for a while and got to chat with him and his dad and brother for a bit. Fun, fun. And, I still owe him cookies for bailing out of driving everyone to the movies. (>!,1iy69y1?!)

On the way home we saw a family of racoons crossing the road. So cute!

I didn't get photos of them, but I did take a few in Jersey, so here you go. (Sorry, they're boring photos)

I found someone at the train station the other day...

-Lisa

Launch Party

2008-07-26T16:06:00.000-04:00

Brilliant. Since I can't do much else, I've been watching a lot of TV shows online, and The Office has me captivated tonight.

I saw part of this episode when I was camping out in the basement at school one night. A couple had the whole season and were watching a bunch of it. That was the first time I had ever seen it. At first I was totally confused because the style of the film is so unconventional, but I definitely enjoy it that way.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/6887/the-office-launch-party#s-p3-so-i0

I talked to dad earlier this morning. I think I like talking to him on the phone. Most of the time when I have something to say about dad, I'm complaining about something he did or said. But, talking to him on the phone today reminded me that I love him. I was afraid of him cringing over the things I was talking to him about, but instead he offered me encouragement. He said he misses me. I'm going to make him cookies when I get home.

Is there such a thing as having too many hobbies? Or going too far with a hobby? I mean, some people have hobbies that are very low maintenance. They just for fun or relaxation. That's the essence of a hobby, right? So, the things I like doing, are they just hobbies? Are they too serious to be called that?

The things I consider my hobbies are past times like sewing or jewelry crafting. And yet, I take these things so seriously. I want to always get so much better and really "make" something out of these hobbies.

But, really, that's impossible. I'd kill myself over trying to be the best at all the things I like to do. I guess that relates back to the TaeKwonDo thing. I wanted to work so hard at it that it frustrated me. There are so many things that I wish I could just devote myself to singularly so I could focus on it and become great at it. Sort of like going to a camp for something specific. But... for a lot longer.

So, my latest idea is selling crafty things on Etsy. Jewelry, crocheted things, geeky stuff. Lego earrings. Matchbox necklaces. Bubblegum rings. Injured monsters with bandaids. Robot themed cell phone pouches. An armband with a print of a page from a well known book. Patches with old video game themes (good games that are neglected like Chrono Trigger sprites or Seiken Densetsu 3). Maybe I'll look into remodeling shoes that I find at garage sales or something. Painting them and gluing on miscellaneous items that dorks would drool over. We'll see. Too bad I didn't think to do this at the beginning of summer. Hah.

Anyway, I definitly want to pop in at some garage sales and snitch some old clothes to sew breakfast on.

Like this!

Speaking of crafty things...

I read an article about this guy, Michael Amos, in one of Asher's playstation magazines. Check out his webpage. He does photography, design, and he creates action models out of other action models. I'd love to try that. And I will.

http://somatic-studios.com/kustomfilez/flash/soruto/soruto.html
The reason I brought up the hobbies thing was because I was thinking about my bass guitar. I've had that guitar for a while now. It was Jared's and then Asher's and somehow it got passed on to me. Well, it's busted. On the way to Plattsuburg we stopped at a music store and I had the guy take a look at it to see if it was fixable. It needs new strings, a new.. peice...of wood... to keep the strings up (I can't remember what it was called), and the electronics need to be fixed. The other things wouldn't have been too bad, but apparently working on the inside would have been worthless since there was no guarentee it would work after all that anyway. So the guy suggested I just get a new guitar. I would like to. I've wanted to learn how to play the bass since the guitar fell into my hands, but I never looked into it too far. The only people who could teach me are too busy.

So, I may or may not get a new one. I want to, but I don't know if I'll have time to learn to play it. Maybe on the way back through Plattsburg I'll stop in again to look around. Again, we'll see.

I made this costume for Sam for halloween in 2005. Da Qiao - Dynasty Warriors. Now that I look back at it, it wasn't a bad first attempt, but it's still bad all the same. In fact, looking at it now embarasses me. It should have looked more like this...

It was fun though, and a learning experience, like everything else. I'd like to take another stab at it. Maybe if I can get the costume back from Sam I can work on it some more and adjust those awful proportions. Everything just looks so unfitted on her. I recall her being concerned about the short length of the skirt, but this is just terrible.

Well, at the time it was cute on her. And no, I'm not even going to show you the one I was wearing. Horrendous. Beyond that, even. Ahhh!!

That's all for now.

-Lisa

Cliche

2008-07-22T13:54:00.003-04:00

Ehhh...

I'm kind of bored. There are things to do, but not really the opportunity to do them. Too much TV here. It's too easy to just sit on the couch all day watching things you either don't care about or wish you could do but aren't. It's hard to do things with a baby in need of constant attention though. Erika takes care of him mostly and I try to help when I can, but because he always needs to be held or fed, we can't really do much.

I've just been sitting with my computer in front of me all day trying to find something interesting to read or learn.

I should be reading my book at the very least.

Eh. But I don't want to.

Asher's gone all day. Bleh. When he gets home we don't really do anything.

I'm still not independent. I think that's what's going on.

Blah blah blah.

I'm not really concerned about it though. Right now I'm just in a weird transition stage, so I guess I can deal with it for now.

Even so, I like being here. I'm not stressed out about anything. There isn't anything in the world that really worries me here. Here I can grasp what it means to be a real person. I'm just so tired of the world trying to be so dramatic and cliche.

Well, that sounds cheesey. Going now.

-Lisa

It's hot. Yes.

2008-07-20T17:54:00.003-04:00

I'm at Asher and Erika's (and Owen's).

I arrived last night at midnight after 15 hours of travel. The train ride wasn't terribly pleasant this time because I didn't get to sit near the window. I think things would have been better that way. All I could do was watch the kids run up and down the aisles and avoid spankings from mothers who spend too much time on the phone.

When I got to Penn station I was supposed to call Asher so he could walk me through what I was supposed to do to get to Princeton. Well...my phone didn't get any service there. None. At all. Anywhere. So, I just had to figure it out myself, and surprisingly, I did. I even got on the right train. It was so hot there too. At least 90 degrees, and it was 10 o'clock. It was 10 degrees hotter in the tunnel too.

Owen is a good kid. I actually held him a couple times today, and I've never really held a baby before. I'm sure someone forced their kid on me at some point in my life, but I never did anything. I like Owen, but I'm going to have to get used to him gradually. He's so heavy!

Other than that, nothing has been going on. We were going to go to the beach at some point, but since I won't be here next weekend, we won't. Asher works all day, and we would have gone today except it was much too hot.

The end!

(haha, watching some comedy/politics show)

-Lisa

Shh, not so loud. We're in a resturant

2008-07-14T16:13:00.005-04:00

July 13th, 2008

-----
I’m sitting here in the sticky heat of wet summer. When the sun is high and the sky is bright and clear, I can handle heat more intense than this. But, when the day’s temperature is weighed down by clouds and rain, the pressure closes in on my brain and wraps it’s fat fingers around my neck. Part of me wants to just lay down and close my eyes, but I can’t. I don’t know why, exactly. It would be nice to just rest for a while and get this day over in hopes of tomorrow bringing better weather and feelings.

Somehow, it’s been a good day though. The past few days have been nice. I don’t know if it has been a change in myself, or in those around me. As for today, I enjoyed seeing people I’ve been close with over the years. I talked to Bentley and Taylor for a little while after the pastor’s sermon, and we decided that we should do something next week, even if it’s just watching a movie. It’s been years since I did something with just the two of them. Sam is usually my connection with them. If I can, I’ll get a hold of her and see if she can stop by too, but it will probably be when she’s gone to Boston. We used to do a lot of stuff together, and I even remember a time when we were all quite a bit younger that they were either mad at me or Sam because when Sam moved here, I spent most of my time with just her. But, times changed, and eventually we all did things together for a while. I spoke through Sam a lot though. If I wanted Bentley or Taylor to come along for something, I’d have Sam contact them because I didn’t feel like a close enough friend to even call.

I guess it was just complicated. Things usually are in friendship.

Bentley is going to be a Senior when school starts again in September. She’s so old now! It’s strange to see someone making plans for what they are going to do the rest of their lives when you can remember when they were crawling around on the floor, squealing and trying to escape the wrath of the invisible lava in the living room. I wonder what she’s going to major in when she goes to college. I wonder what college she’s going to go to. Can she handle it?

Taylor mentioned something today about getting ready for a basketball camp in hopes of being able to play in college. I guess that’s what made me realize that the two of them were really growing up.

You know, I think the baby in a family is forced to grow up faster than their older siblings. When their older brother or sister is preparing for college, the youngest child see that and learns from watching the experiences. Then, when they go to prepare, they are already aware of these things, and know how to make better choices. I say this because of the way I’ve grown up, and because Taylor seems to be thinking further ahead than what Bentley did when she was that age. I suppose it must just be a natural process, for those who care to take part.

I got to see Shannon and Amanda for a bit too. We didn’t talk much, but they did express how absolutely bored they are to me. We’re going to try to hang out a bit too. It’s about time I got out to see some old friends. Summer is only half over.

Who knows, maybe someone will come with us to Syracuse yet.

I still have to ask dad about taking the van instead of us using Kristi’s car. I don’t think it should be a problem, but I still don’t want to ask. The van would be much safer than that silly purple car that rattles and belches at random. “Oh, I hope the wheels stay on.” I’d also feel more comfortable as the driver, though I wish she would still be able to if she had to. You see, no one else can drive her car because of the “tricks” (although I‘m sure I have driven it before). But, taking the van, I can drive, but she can’t. She’s too short to see. That should still be alright though. There shouldn’t be a need for her to drive. That also means we can actually go places and stay out late. YES. NIGHT DRIVING. I’m not afraid of driving at night, but I am cautious. It’ll be different since we’ll be on a highway, but it has to be done. Why should other people be able to do it all the time, and I be scared? That’s why I’m not.

So, we’ll be heading to Oswego to watch the Harborfest fireworks on Saturday. It’s been so long since I’ve been to Oswego. It’ll definitely be different. All the people I once knew there are long gone, but I still want to be able to go back there.

I haven’t been writing as much on paper like I was. I don’t think I need to as much though. My mind has calmed down considerably, so whatever thoughts I have I can sort out. Usually. I’m not saying that I never get confused and frustrated anymore. But, I still keep writing whenever I can. Somehow, it keeps me alive.

“Welkese’s wet streets are crawling with fortune tellers and soothsayers that cling onto subtle thoughts or feelings that indulge a person to drop a few coins in their cups, but even they couldn’t tell me what I wish to know. From what I’ve heard, they only paint vague descriptions of a life that may or may not be. As far as I know, they could be talking about what they ate for lunch rather than a person’s pursuits. I try to keep away from them if I can help it.
When it’s so dark outside that even the silhouettes of the rigid trees in the distance are eaten up by the monstrous sky, my mind often interrupts the silence with passing ideas. Just recently the routine has changed from ideas to doubts. Tonight is no different. It’s like the spirit of the night has been seducing my mind all along and is causing it to turn against me.
It wasn’t the boredom of being so stiff for hours that my joints creaked that made me uneasy. It wasn’t even the stories of the gruesome tragedies that occurred on our trade routes caused by those wretched thieves. I was afraid of something, though I’d never tell anyone that. But what was it exactly? That was the question that kept me occupied during my long days of drawing pictures on the palace floor with my eyes.”

If I ever had a chance to speak with a novelist, I have a question stored away in my mind for that person. Other’s may have an answer, and it may even be a simple solution, but I’d like to hear it. I’d really like to know how an author goes about mapping their plots for their stories. Do they map them? Or do they just start writing, make problems, and then try to create solutions? There has to be somewhat of an outline, but how deep does it go? Main character goes here, says this, does this…. I know there are different ways to go about it, and different methods work for different people. When I wrote the story about the WiMegas and Konta and Mae, I just had a long list of notes that was somewhat of a guide to show where I needed to get to in the plot. But, it was hard to connect all the points and it made it feel more like I was forcing words to lead to something which left me with dry paragraphs that attempted to explain something I didn’t even understand.

But now, as I’m writing, I don’t even know all the characters that are going to come into play. I barely have a plot mapped out at all. That doesn’t sound like a good plan. I guess I need to try to focus on where I’m trying to end up and try to work backwards.

Where do I begin writing then?

I usually start with a character and their dialogue. Often times I will want to write an entire story just so I can fit in this short series of dialogue between two characters.

I’m telling you too many of my secrets. I get the feeling that I shouldn’t expose my reasons like that so much. But, what are you going to do?

I’m going to tell you anyway, although it may spoil the mystery of it for you.

This is where the story began, and how I will get there, and where it will go, I don’t know yet.

“The soldier watched her as she politely listened to the young man, who was quite obviously a thief, but a handsome one at that. He could not diffuse the envy in his heart and made futile attempts to make himself believe it wasn’t really there.

At least she seemed happy.

Yes.

But that was just it! She seemed happy. Somehow, when he looked at her eyes when she listened to this man, he felt like there was something so much deeper than what she showed. He could see it, but could the thief?

The moment he saw the two together, he accepted that he wouldn’t be able to compete against the handsome, foreign, adventuring thief. He was just a soldier. Silent and watching. ”

There. Are you disappointed? Perhaps you don’t want to accept that I’m making such great effort to build off of something so simple. Well, that’s just the way it is. Ideas will grow if you nurture them, correct?

So, besides that, what is going on with me?

To be honest, I haven’t really been doing much of anything. Lots of times I’ll just sit in my room and do nothing but listen to music and play in my head. I haven’t even wanted to play video games much lately. I do want to… but I don’t. I keep getting upset over them. When I played with Asher in April, he did the same thing. When we played something, usually online stuff like Unreal Tournament or MGSOb, he was get agitated and would feel tense and pressured for hours later. No matter what I play, I’ve been doing that too. Even with Ratchet and Clank, and I find that game incredibly easy.

Well, I’ve been reading uncanny amounts lately. It took me about four years to finish reading Inkspell. I was just always too busy or tired to read for enjoyment. It became more of a task to me, and I lost a lot of the book reading that way. But, I finally managed to finished, and I’ve read three books since, and I’m starting on the fourth and fifth. It’s been wonderful to be able to just read and read until I can’t see anymore. I used to try to read a chapter a night, which eventually turned into half a chapter every once in a while because I was just too tired. Now I can read as much as I want, and I do!!

That’s been delicious.

I’d like to say that I’ve been exercising and working on improving my TKD, but I really haven’t. I’ve had this long spell of feeling down, and I haven’t wanted to do much of anything. I’m trying to get back to doing things though. Friday I had the whole day to myself, so I ran around with the dog for a long time, biked for about and hour, and did quite a bit of dancing and working out related things. All day, really. I loved it too. I’d rather do things like that for an entire day instead of just a short while at the beginning or end of a day. But, I guess I can’t really do that all the time, and it probably isn’t entirely effective that way.

I still can’t complete a kip up, though I haven’t given up. I’m at least landing on my feet now, even if I can’t get all the way up. It gives me a horrid headache every time from crashed back onto the floor, but one of these times I’m going to get it, and I’ll just keep practicing until I can do it when I need to. There’s no sense in trying to do a kip up if you’re being attacked and have to writhe in pain because you failed.
“Ah, give me a second to stand up. I’ve almost got it…”

A sort of goal I have, although a silly, somewhat unrealistic goal, is to become a decent free runner. It’s unrealistic because there really aren’t many places to practice out here, and I can’t see myself running around downtown Syracuse jumping over benches and dodging drunk people. Who knows how long I could really keep it up like that too. I’m considering driving out to a park to practice anyway. I’d love to be able to just run like that.

All of you people who do parkour, I admire you greatly. I can only dream of being able to control my body like it’s weightless. I get frustrated over things like the kip up because it reminds me that my body is really heavy, and I can’t control it they way I want to.

I said I danced a lot the other day. I thoroughly enjoyed it too. Even though I’m not dancing for SE anymore, I still can’t keep away. Sure, I’d love to be able to have something to strive for, but if that isn’t possible, I guess I should just try not to dwell on it.

I’ve been working on High King - Cinderella Complex a lot. I’m also continuing to try to perfect Resonant Blue. Those are two songs I would do anything for to record. Well, not quite anything. I wouldn’t hire Syracuse bums to dance for me. The list of songs I want to record grows everyday, and it stings a bit.

Recently, I found an instructional video for Se7en’s Passion. It goes step by step through the routine, and it has helped immensely. The instructor speaks in Korean, but she goes slow enough for me to just see what steps she is making. It’s cut up into sections so it is easier to remember too. I think I might actually have the first part down, and I’m excited about that. The best things about dancing is once you remember the routine, you can perfect it. You can throw in your style. Sam and I tried it out last summer, and we were really terrible. We didn’t plan on creating it into a full scale SE project. We just wanted to dance to it and have fun. We undoubtedly would have recorded it and messed around a bit, but it would be in a relaxed atmosphere. No singing (we don’t understand much Korean, although, thanks to TKD, I know some numbers now!) and no green screening. We’ll see.

I’m still not eating healthy liked I’ve wanted to. I simply can’t eat a lot of food, and my body isn’t pleased about that. Apparently, a person should take in somewhere around 2000 calories a day. At school, the average for me was around 700, until I realized that wasn’t a good thing and started going to meals everyday. Most of the time I wouldn’t go to the cafeteria until Andrea told me to go with her. When I got hungry I would just eat enough of whatever I had in my room, usually soup or crackers, to get rid of the feeling.

Well, now that I’m home, there aren’t really “meals” I can just go to and eat whatever they happen to have there. Now I’m in a house all the time where nothing really changes, so if it comes around to be 4 pm I may not have eaten anything all day, I probably won’t notice until I start feeling faint (and I usually don‘t know why).

Even when I am fully aware that I need to consume food, I just can’t. My body needs it and rejects it all at the same time. Food is pleasure to some. It’s a medicine and a poison to me.

My hair is getting longer already. I think I’m going to cut my bangs.

Last night I was sorting through a lot of old CDs with old photos trying to get them organized by year and subject. I have soooo many photos. So, I decided I’m going to post some of them here. They are photos that aren’t impressive, but are personal. My blog is a personal thing, so my photos can be happy here. They aren’t doing any good being locked away on a CD, are they.

A long time ago I said I was going to try to keep a section devoted to memories, since I forget so easily. Yes, I even remember that. I never got very far though. A lot of bad things happened, and I didn’t care much to try to think of the past for a while. I guess I just got out of the habit.

Well, these photos contain memories, so there is sure to be a story along with them. Hopefully that will suffice for now.

This is Luca as a baby. It was the first summer we had her, three years ago. She was so cute, and so wet. She loved being in the pool! I wish she had stayed that size so we could put her in again.

That's all for now. I'm short on time here. The internet at my house isn't accessible, so I'm having to pop in at other places to do anything. So.. I'm out of here!!

-Lisa

Blue

2008-07-10T14:33:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling blue today.

I was writing fiction last night.

What should I name the main character?

I'm writing from a male's perspective again.

Maybe today is just a slow day.

Sloooooooooow...

It hurts to walk today. I either sprained my toe, or caused a hairline fracture.

I'd really like to go somewhere alone. France?

I discovered something about myself today. I have a restless heart. I can't stay with something for too long, because I want to move on to see what I can do next. When I read a book, before I even get halfway through, I want to hurry and finish so I can read a different book. Should I try calming my heart, or just go with my restlessness and let it take me away?

"The evening blows a gentle breeze across my face and the surface of my hands; these are the only parts of my body exposed to the air. Sometimes, when the breeze dances around my face, some of the cool air slips down my collar and tickles my throat. When nights creep on like this, I can’t help but imagine cool, still water. It feels the same as when your body lingers under water, unmoving. You’re never completely convinced that there is the pressure of the water around you. Instead, you are in the dark sky."

-Lisa

Legal

2008-07-04T16:44:00.000-04:00

I've had this page opened for several days. I knew what I wanted to say, which is why I typed in the address, but by the time I got a chance to say anything, I had lost it. The only thoughts that came to me after that were uncomfortable ones, and I'd rather not write them here. I've abused this blog far too much lately, and I want to start writing vividly and confidently again.

So, for now, I'll just leave you with a section from my "Legal Sheets".

"I sit herer now, wondering where to start. Dad is mowing the lawn around me making that familiar humming, buzzing sound with the occassional sharp clink of a stone being eaten up. The noise doesn't bother me much. Not enough to make me move anyway. It is a perfect evening, and I don't want to miss it. It's the kind of evening you read about in novels. The sun gently warms my back and the breeze soothingly passes by, lifting away the heat.

The sky has those beautiful big clouds I've always remembered. All these years have passed and although they turn differently up there, the consistency always seems to stay the same. They aren't those whispy, sissy clouds you see near lakes, or the dull, foggy ones in the city. My sky is completely pure. The shape is so crisp and defined. I wonder if you believe me."

Happy Independence Day. I'm going to go to a wedding rehearsal now.

-Lisa

Pressure Zone

2008-06-25T00:51:00.005-04:00

It's been ten days...

This break has been good for me. It's allowed for me to take time to think clearly and not forcingly. I've been writing on legal sheets for a few days, and through that, I'm better able to sort out some thoughts. I'm not trying to prove anything there, because I'm the only one who sees it. I don't have to try to explain anything, or convince you that what I'm saying is true.

For now, I will continue to write only for myself, places peices of the puzzle down by myself without any outside influence. I have to clean my mind of what other people think, or what I think they will.

I will continue to update this as events present themselves, and I will write them down just as I experience it. I also may or may not include bits from my legal sheets.

I haven't run away yet. By running away, I just mean traveling, and trying to get away from my "other self" that keeps me locked up here. I'm not running away from my family, or from problems. I know you can't do that.

Travel makes me feel pure. To be away. Alone. I am just who I am. I haven't gotten to consider who I am for a while, and going away will help me to see that. Alone.

Can I be a normal college student?

Things don't have to make sense. They often don't. But to be normal, is to just accept it, I think. Stress comes and goes, but there is always something wringing out every last drop of blood from my heart.

I feel like I need to start over. Simpler.

You know what I would really like? To go back to a time in my life where I was completely content. Yes, I was there once. It lasted about a week. It was when I was at Asher's apartment and spent time with him and his friends. I loved that more than anything. Even if I could go back, it might not be of any help to me now.

I think I had a huge setback tonight. Yes, I returned somewhere, but not anywhere I even wanted to go again. I feel the same way as I did then. I can see clearer now, though. Whatever this is comes from the bottom of my soul in a place that shouldn't be sought. But, I do, more often than anyone should.

Its life in general that makes me sad. I've watched it pass so quickly. As hard as I try, I can't hang onto it. I've done all I can to cherish moments, the passing of time, and feelings that freely flow through my body.

Is it normal for a 19 year old girl to feel like she's dying? I don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to be tragic all the time. Night is when I'm so vulnerable to this. It has been with me so long, I should give it a name. The Dark Hour, maybe.

I can't understand this. I've lived a good life, and I'm making every effort to make it better everyday. Sometimes, I am very happy with who I am, and where I am. So, why do I keep getting this feeling that I'm missing my own life?

The image that keeps coming to mind is of Asher and Erika when they were still in college. Early. Even before I went to stay for the week. I hardly knew her at the time, and then, it didn't matter much. I was just a kid.

It was beautiful though. The two of them. I wish I could have watched. I wish I could have been in their minds and been able to understand their thoughts.

They're married now. School is gone and now they have a son.

Why does this make me so upset?

Maybe its them. Maybe I feel like I missed out on having time with them. I knew I would never go back after that week. I saw them when they came to visit, but I knew I would never be a part of them like I was at that time. I'm just a child, and they are adults. They are a family.

I want us to be kids again. I want Asher to be there to teach me things, I want Erika to be the most adorable, dorky girl I've ever met. I want them to be madly in love. I want them to see me as an equal.

They'd never be able to look at me the same if they knew what a wuss I was.

Sometimes I wish good times would never come. They're just there to tease you and they will leave you wanting more.

My heart is breaking.

Again.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean for it to turn out like this. I was really just going to end when I said I would start writing here a bit again. I guess I can't control these feelings still. Go ahead and blame my state of insanity.

I need to try to sleep and get rid of tonight.

-Lisa

Shut Down

2008-06-15T16:39:00.001-04:00

We are shutting down until further notice.

If I had no worries
If I had no pain
Would you stay close to me
When it starts to rain

Would you be my lover
Would you be my lover
We are always a little bit far but never late
We are always a little bit far
In the lake

If the sky grows darker
If I go insane
Would you still care for me
When it starts to rain

Would you be my lover
Would you be my lover
We are always a little bit far but never late
We are always a little bit far
In the lake
Happy girl, I want to be the happy girl

Would you be my lover
Would you be my lover
We are always a little bit far but never late
We are always a little bit far
In the lake

-Emilie Simon

Run Away

2008-06-15T08:45:00.002-04:00

Things got complicated. I keep asking, what should I do? Just tell me, and I'll do it. But now, I think I know.

Despite the good changes that have happened in my life in the past year, none of it came easily, or without pain. Is this just another step towards something better? I can't keep going through this. If I have to keep killing myself in order to live better... eventually, I'm never going to wake up.

I'm so lost.

I don't need people to be telling me what they think is right or wrong for my life. I just need help. The words they throw at me are just breaking me apart. I need you to help me.

But, who could help me? There's no one.

In the next couple of weeks, I am getting on a train. I don't know where I'll be going, and I could care less. Nothing can be solved by staying here and fighting with myself. If I could only run away...

Perspective

2008-06-13T11:12:00.004-04:00

Owen Felix
9 lbs 10 ounces
Born at 9:10 AM
June 12th 2008

There are the facts, folks.

Hehehehehe....

I forgot to talk about one of the key points of my day yesterday. Heh, what a dork.

It was right after I finished putting my groceries in the car, and I was about to put my cart away (do people still do that, or am I just old fashioned?). A girl from highschool came up behind me and said, "Hey!"

Now, you might think, "Eugh... a familiar face. From school even. Gosh, I'm sorry for you."

But, it was nice actually.

This is a girl that I used to spend a lot of time with in middle school, but never really talked to her much after that. But, I remember that she used to confide in me about her personal life a lot. You know, a lot of people used to come to me for advice. I can't say if it ever helped, or if my advice was really valid, but I was truthful. Hopefully, somewhere, I managed to at least encourage someone.

I think I might have shocked her a little. In school, I was never one to be terribly expressive or excitable around people. But, when I saw her, I jumped right into a conversation. There weren't any awkward pauses, or me trying desperatly to come up with something to say. It was natural, really.

It was like we were good friends. Not like an act. It was me, mostly. I was just comfortable talking to her.

That was when I realized how much I've changed in the past year. I wondered if she noticed how different I was. Whether she did or not, I noticed.

A year ago, I would have stood there awkwardly, wondering what I should do. Anything I said would have related to being stressed, busy, or unsure. Not that it wouldn't be true. Those feelings haven't really changed. I'm still stressed, busy, and horribly unsure about nearly everything. But, now I can see things in a new light. Now, whatever happens, I'm alive so I'm going to enjoy it.

Sounds silly, doesn't it?

Perspective has turned inside of me. As we parted, I told her to try to enjoy life, whatever came.

Truth. I'm starting to feel real. Again? Yes, I think I was real once.

Ah, I guess I should catch up on some things. The vacation end. I was supposed to do that, wasn't I?

Well, that Sunday, Kristi and I left ridiculously early, and got back to Ricky's house in about an hour. So, we were there by 8:30. We actually ended up making the 9:30 service for church. I was pretty happy about that, because we had more time to spend together afterwards.

Yeah... I was really nervous. My hands were shaking the whole time, but it might have just been from the pain medicine I took earlier. What was I nervous about, though? Understanding, I think. The world has turned church and Christianity into something it was never meant to be, so I can imagine it would be hard to see clearly. When I talked to Cheryl that night, she even commented on how the sermon must have been hard to follow since it revolved around Scripture so much.

I don't know what else to say about that. It was good, and I know we all enjoyed it. I really like that church. If I could, I would travel 8 hours every Sunday to go.

It isn't just a nice place to be, or something you feel is a good thing to go to. It isn't a place that just suggests how you should live to be happy. Unfortunately, that is what the world made of it. But, they've obviously never gone any deeper than the surface.

That's been my secret dream... When I was at my church, I leaned over and whispered to my mom, "I wish Ricky was here next to me."

We went back to his house, and I fell asleep again soon after he put in a movie. Am I overtired? It's so easy to just close my eyes and lean against him like that. Nothing else in the world matters and nothing has to make sense.

Sometime after that we all went out to the hospital to see his mom. Although, I was fine with that, I was glad to have Kristi with me so we could be dorks together. We're good at that. I'd never been in a hospital room like that... Not even for Grandpa.

At the time I wondered if I would regret that. Not going to see Grandpa while he was in the hospital. But, I can't say that I do. I'd much rather have had the time with him when he was at home, where he belonged. I never wanted to have to see him look weak like that. It was bad enough seeing him unable to do daily things. I'm thankful for the catering job I had during that summer because I was able to stop by his house on the way home with a slice of pie once in a while. I love that. Nana continually thanked me afterwards about the times I stopped in with sweets like that after work. I'm glad I could do that for him. He was wonderful. That is the Grandpa I'll remember, and I'll love him forever.

But, back at the hospital. Surprisingly, I wasn't uncomfortable at all. I didn't know what to do, but I didn't feel awkward either. It was kind of a silly time, actually. But, unpleasant too. I'll never like doctors. I've had teachers like that. I hate them when they are teaching, but they are good people. That's the way doctors are to me. Really terrible at their job, even if they are okay. They don't know what is going on. I don't think I've ever heard of a case where the doctors actually figure out the problem before it kicks them in the face.

Nothing sounded promising about her condition. I'm not sure about the details as of now, but I sure hope they've at least made some kind of progress.

Leaving wasn't as hard as I had imagined. It was somewhat the same as when I left that last day at school. There wasn't any sadness. Kristi was in worse shape than me! When we got in the car she was quiet for a while and then suddenly had an outburst of, "This is so sad!" I just couldn't help but laugh.

It is hard. I don't know when I'll get to see him again, and Kristi definately doesn't know about when she'll see him or his family since she's going to be in Virginia and then wherever they send her after that. I never imagined wanting to go back to school so much.

Really... the friends I have made at school have become my other family. Jessica, Anthony, Andrea, Ricky...

I'm always whining about how I don't have any friends. Well, I still don't really have close friends that can really understand me. It's usually the "religious" things that get in the way. But, I have family now, and that is so much more important. I know that whatever happens, they are going to back me up. That's the only reason I'm going back next semester... But after that, I know I have other things to tend to...

I haven't forgotten my loathsome feelings for classes there. I haven't forgotten that I hate being in school. I haven't forgotten that I just want an apartment and a bakery.

"Loneliness is. . . . spending your days alone with your thoughts, your discouragements, and having no one to share them with."
-Neil Strait

I'm terrible with feelings. I'm alright if I'm alone, but when it comes to sharing or expressing them, I'm useless. A long time ago, back when I could care, I told those close to me that when they came to a time where they were hurting, I wouldn't be able to comfort them. That's a pretty bold thing for a kid to say, don't you think? It isn't that I didn't care, though. I cared so much, that it hurt me more than it hurt them sometimes. But, there was nothing I could say or do. I think it's because I understood that it wouldn't help. I just couldn't bring myself to give shallow bits of encouragement.

I don't know about now. Is it the same, or can I really not care anymore? Give me time to figure it out.

I've said this before, several times, but it remains true even now.

I feel like I'm still just a kid. Athough my mind has matured, I still feel as though I can't be ready for these things yet.

Lately, Musume songs keep coming up in my player, especially I WISH. It makes me feel bad... I don't know what to do anymore. Should I call? Visit? I don't know what to do, or expect, so it's hard to decide. It's already been a month since school has ended, but even so, I haven't gotten much of a chance to settle down. Took a trip to Syracuse, worked on the play, the trailers, been taking care of the house, Kristi, there's a baby in the family now... Am I just bad at balancing time?

I also listened to Shabondama yesterday. We were supposed to perform that one together this summer. But I don't know what is happening now... I can't do it alone.

I make it sound like that's all I want her around for. It isn't. Shojo Explosion has been a huge part of my life... and career. It's really just that important to me.

I got a little teary today, and I don't really know why. Man, I feel like a machine. At the time, I got frustrated with myself for falling like that, even. It's fine if I have a reason, but I didn't know what it was.

---
10:10 PM

Well, Dad just got home, and for a while, I was really happy. Then, he began complaining about all the things I did wrong. I guess I failed at taking care of things here.

No, I know he's just tired and stressed, like he always is. He isn't complaining about me... just the fact that the stuff is screwed up now.

Whatever the reason, I hate it when he does this. I never bother to tell him what I do right, so I guess he just doesn't notice. I know that he thinks I just sit around playing games all day. Well, I'll just keep working and screwing up.
---

Right now, I want to be rash about something. But, I know that wouldn't be fair to other people. And, I know I would regret it after I woke up from my rebellion.

It's going to be a long night...

-Lisa

Technicolor

2008-06-12T16:30:00.005-04:00

Trying to come up with the words on how describe today is rather pointless. If I just say, "Today was a good day," you'd probably think it was just like any other day. But, if I say, "Today was stupendous!" that sounds weird.

It started yesterday, actually. Kristi was home when I got back from Massena, and I didn't know what to do at first. For a second, I felt like she was invading my home. I've been here alone so much that I've sort of claimed it. But, I got over that pretty quick (luckily) and we soon went into giggly/hysterical mode. That was fun.

I suggested we go for a bike ride, but the tires of both bikes weren't looking too good. Mine was still able to put up a good fight, but her's was too dead for a trip. We tried putting air in it... but we're just girls.

So, I rode, and she walked/jogged. The trip was refreshing, although, it hurt a bit because of all the exercising I've been doing. It makes me feel tough. I was hoping for a letter from someone in particular, but it wasn't there. There was a letter for me though, and the return address was written in Japanese. Who would be sending me mail from Japan? Hiroto? I haven't heard from him in a year, and he usually writes his address in english. So...

I couldn't wait till we got back, so I just opened it there, on the side of the road. It was one small sheet of Tinkerbell stationary, and at the bottom it was signed, "Aika"

Aika? Who is....

AIKA! MITSUI AIKA! FROM MORNING MUSUME!

That was my reaction, and I think I scared Kristi for a second with my outburst. Back when Mitsui wasn't feeling well, and ended up missing concerts, I wrote to her with a "get well" note. I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but it was a long time ago. I'm sure it included encouraging things, and I said something about hoping she isn't under too much pressure, etc.

I knew she probably wouldn't be able to read much of my letter, because the majority of it was in English, although I probably introduced myself using Japanese. I can do that much, at least. I just thought it would be nice to send a feeling. Especially after getting a reply from her, that was almost completely in Japanese, I can fully understand the feeling behind a letter you can't comprehend. The fact that someone will send a note like that, sends more than words ever could.

Although, I didn't need it to be translated to get any more excitement and appreciation from it, someone did explain it to me. I managed to understand all of the hiragana though, which I was pleased with. I just couldn't figure out the kanji.

Here's a picture of Mitsui...

And here is a copy of the letter...

---------
Dear Lisa,

Letter thank you [Thank you for your letter]
I'm sorry, my English is weak
So i'm going to reply in japanese

Waza Waza, a letter from america
Thank you
I'm really very happy ^.^

THANK YOU

Lisa san, you're very cute
very cute >.^

Do come to Morning Musume's Live!
--------

Since this is somewhat of a major occurence, I thought I should share it with the Mitsui fans on Hello!Online. In minutes I became a "hero" on the board. Heh... That's never happened before. People kept asking questions and congratulating me. That was nice...

"Yeah Kami. You're hands down a Mitsuiboard-Hero, First Class."

It was nice to know that she cared that I cared, you know?

Next!

This morning I got a call informing me that I am now an aunt! I guess Erika had a really terrible time last night, and I even felt bad when I went to sleep because I knew at the time she was awake and in awful pain. She had to have a c-section even. Poor girl ... I hope she starts feeling better soon.

This is crazy. I still haven't been able to grasp the idea of my brother being a dad and having a son. We're creating our family.

Other than that, not much has happened today. I drove around viciously in my dad's truck with Luca. We went out to the field to check on his corn. Vrooooom~!

I also made a trip out to Wally World to get Dad's Dad Day stuff. I printed a series of photos for him for the room downstairs. Not to brag, but I think they're impressive. If I had a better connection, I would post the photos here. Perhaps later, when I have hours to spare fighting with this connection.

Put them in simple, black frames so they look snazzy. Even the woman at the checkout desk complimented me on them.

Went for another bike ride today. I noticed the tire starting to fail though, and ended up walking it back. It only took ten minutes though, so that was good. I want to go for a long ride though. I might go down to Brent's and have him fill it up for me.

I walked it back more because it was painful, not so much because of the tire, though. Heh...

I picked up the mail on the trip, and got the letter.

But I'm not going to tell you about it. It's a secret!

Its been a good day! Now, I'm going to go visit Kristi and get in my dose of Old People. Tomorrow is Friday!

-Lisa

Another Day, Another Adventure

2008-06-11T00:38:00.003-04:00

I told myself today that I couldn't keep writing here everyday. It doesn't look like that's going to happen though. Being alone like this gives me a chance to consider things, and writing thoughts down is the best way for me to get them sorted out. Now that I finally have some time to myself, I want to be able to remember things again. I've lost too many days because I've simply forgotten them.

So, what is on my mind today?

There was a really bad storm this afternoon, and it scared me. I've never been fond of storms, but they don't bother me so much now. This one was intense though, and with a tornado warning out, I wasn't feeling all that confident. I did all the right things, and was ready for the house to fall in on me, but it didn't stop me from shaking. When Kristi called to tell me it was coming, it was almost like I didn't believe her. It was perfectly clear out, and we almost never get storms as bad as they say. And, we didn't, but it didn't look too good either. When the wind started knocking over trees and kicking up clouds of dirt, I began to panic a little.

I made it out alright, though. In the end, I couldn't help but be disappointed that nothing else happened. The adventurer in me wanted more action.

Since then, I've been feeling tense. The storm shook me up and then led me to other problematic issues.

I'm feeling much better now. Anthony talked to me for a while; a serious conversation, even. That helped immensely. Finally, I was able to talk to someone about some pressures rather than just continually fighting with myself, leading my mind in circles over and over again. By talking about things, I was able to better analyze what is going on in my head. It was nice to get a different perspective on things without any restrictions.

Talked to Joe for a bit too about the same things. Now, I don't feel so lost. I know most of what I'm fighting with is just in my mind, but whatever it is, it needs to be dealt with, and apparently just talking about it with friends is my best offense.

Around the end of those conversations, my mom called. It had been a while since I was able to be completely open with her like that. I know it's just me. I'm getting grumpy again which makes me recoil from people I love. But, we got to figure some things out. Even if she doesn't say anything, when I tell her about things, life seems so much clearer.

Tomorrow should be nice. I'll be able to get out of the house for a while. It will be a good trip, and a bad one at the same time. I'm going to pick up my glasses from the eye place, but I'm going to have to fill up the tank in the car... which will be expensive. My credit card is over the limit... I'm going to have to get to one bank to take out cash to put in another bank so I can write a check for the glasses and contacts. I'm going to have to send packages and mail also, which will leave a small dent in my wallet.

Everyday I learn more and more about money management.

And so, I've concluded that I need a job. I can't be a proper maid without funds. I can't travel without them either. I had hoped to get some kind of paying freelance work by now. I thought Melanie's husband had something in mind for me, but I haven't heard anything. No weddings coming up either, it seems. None that I'll be filming, anyway.

Speaking of weddings and filming, I'd really love to try photographing a wedding. I'm still just an amateur, but I won't get experience if I don't just do it. Maybe a difference event first, but something formal, anyway. I want to photograph models. I always get a little scared when it comes to taking photos of people because when it comes to the actual shoot, I can never think of anything to have them do. I need to learn to plan ahead, and thoroughly. But, wedding photos would be beautiful, I think. Posing them, and taking spontaneous photos would be wonderful.

--

I wish I could have opened a bakery this summer. I would love that right now. For now, I'll just keep practicing and planning.

--

I came to a small conclusion about my previous rantings about travel and why I shouldn't just run away and go anywhere I want.

Responsibility.

It would be selfish to just leave my home, leaving all I grew up with to survive on it's own. I'll get to travel eventually, but when the time is right. I don't completely take back what I said. Well, I don't take any of it back at all. I just... think I've found part of the reason.

I'm finally going to get to spend some time with Jill. We're going to puppy-sit together Saturday night. Girl and nighttime always lead to a lot of talking, so this should be good. We can talk about girl things...

And boy things.

I hope you can see the moon tonight. It is a perfect half circle, low in the sky and orange.

-Lisa

=Be careful with her. She's delicate=

Abnormal to Normal

2008-06-09T22:54:00.006-04:00

Are all the feelings I have normal, and I just don't realize it? Or do I just not know how to handle them?

So confused...

I can't figure out what is going on with me tonight, or most nights. Am I content? Do I have an inner saddness? It's hard to say, because even now I can smile and laugh over silly things. In fact, right now, I am laughing over absolutely nothing. I'm a little worried, because I think I'm getting hysterical. And yet, I've lost all of my ambition, and something inside is painful. Like, a lingering dream you can't remember, but you can still feel. There's just something that doesn't feel settled.

I'll let you know what I come up with. Someday, I'll get myself figured out.

Today was nice. I got my hair cut, so that won't be such a problem anymore. For a moment, I actually considered forgetting the whole idea and letting it get long again. I would probably be able to take care of it better now, and possibly even have it look somewhat nice. But, my hair has so much body to it that it just gets poofy in this heat, and I don't want to have to deal with that right now. My mind has been on so many other things that I didn't actually decide how I wanted it cut until this morning. First, I was going to get it cut just a smidge and was going to bring back my bangs, but at the last minute decided on something completely different. I want to be adventurous, and going super short is going to help me achieve that. I could have even gone shorter, and just might...

At least for now it is out of the way.

When evening was on it's way, and the sun was beginning to set, I found a small comfort in something vaguely familiar, and then again, not familiar at all. I was content at that moment. At that point I decided that no matter what comes, I will be happy with what I have. It was when I was reading and sitting silently outside. The sun made my body hot, and every once in a while, a breeze would quietly pass by, reminding me that there was life even in such heat. I watched as a caterpillar crawled towards the house and it made me wonder if insects really have goals. This guy really wanted to get into the house. But, why? I wonder what he had in mind...

It was then that I felt completely calm. Sure, there were others things to do. Laundry, dishes, studying... But I pushed all of that out of my mind for a bit, and understood what it meant to be young. I'm struggling with a lot right now. It seems like I'm always in the middle of some kind of mess. Nothing can take this away from me now. There will be times of sorrow and happiness, and every feeling inbetween, but I'm just happy that there can be those times. Memories will be created. It doesn't matter to me what kind they are anymore, I just want them.

Love me, hate me. Do anything to me. It will become another quiet memory that will be neatly tucked away in my mind. Whatever this moment brings, I will embrace it with every bit of me. This moment is mine, and it's the one thing that no one can steal from me.

Go ahead and try.

I want to live. Help me to live.

Right now, I am enjoying this loneliness I feel. Who knows how long it will be before I can feel this again? I am enjoying being alone in this house. It isn't everyday that I get a chance to run a home by myself. To be able to play any music I want, as loud as I possibly can. To sing or dance without being worried someone is going to walk in on me. To cook an entire meal, just for me. To not be asked to take care or something, but to do it because I want to. I love this. It may never happen again, so I'm going to stay right here and soak in everything that comes my way.

There was a moment where I couldn't imagine anything better than this. It's warm, I can walk outside at night without fearing the cold, I can do anything I want in a day - read, write, work, play - I can just sit on the porch and read forever with nothing to worry about...

Maybe I was lost in my imaginary world. Does it matter where I was though?

There is an endless list of things I could ask for. But, why bother? If I want something, I'll just do it myself. Life is better that way, don't you think?

Life has gone in a complete warped direction, and I don't know what is normal anymore. I can't say I'm entirely happy with it, but I'm not upset either. I like the change, but it's a bit much all at once. I need things to calm down a little I think. I guess I don't really help though. All I want to do lately is go on adventures. I hope my body can keep up with my mind. It hasn't been doing particularly well lately. I'm afraid of turning into the girl who dies at the peak of her life because of poor health, you know? I've always been that way.

I miss a lot of people. But, I'm not wishing for anything. What comes, will come, and I'll be happy with that. I think. I'm trying, anyway.

I miss Asher a lot. He used to always be here. I always thought he'd come back. He's my brother after all, and this is his family. He belongs here...right? I never imagined myself having to go an visit him a few times every year. It feels a bit like I'm missing out. He's growing up without me. Doesn't that sound like something an older sibling would say about their baby brother or sister? I don't know where I belong in this "older/younger sibling scale". I need him a lot right now. But, he's a little busy with other things.

I'm going to be an aunt by Thursday at the latest, you know.

Change, change, change.

It isn't so easy to live anymore. This way is better, because now, I really feel alive. As a kid, when things were hard, but not so complicated, I just went through. Do you know what I mean? I just took the day, did what I had to, and it would pass. That made highschool seem like an eternity. I was so miserable then, that I can't even remember much of it, because I didn't live it.

Is life really that complicated, or do people just make it that way?

Why do we restrict ourselves so much. Just recently, I've been asking myself these things. Today, if I get the sudden urge to go to Boston, why in the world not?

It would cost a lot to drive there, or to buy a train ticket.

So what? I can save up for things like that. I have money in my back account that is just going to be used up slowly by small indulgences like clothes or trinkets I barely care for. Why not direct that to something better? Can money really compare to adventure?

Where would you stay when you get there?

I'm pretty much an expert at finding places to stay now. I've been homeless for so long, that it really doesn't bother me anymore. I'm good with preparing things too. People travel. There are hotels, friends, parking lots... What is the worst that could happen if I don't have a place to stay the second I arrive? I wouldn't suddenly implode, would I? I'd probably wander around a bit, wondering where I would sleep. I'd get a hotel, or find someone I know to stay with (apparently, I have connections even I don't know about), or I'd just sleep in the car. Or, I wouldn't sleep. It wouldn't kill me. If this is all that is keeping me from an adventure, I think I'd just have a breakdown right now.

How long would you stay there?

As long as I want. I'm not really needed at home. Right now even... Sure, I'm taking care of the animals, but if I ended up going somewhere, friends or family could always check on them and take care of those things. We've done it that way before. Why should fun be spoiled because someone needs to feed the dog? I was wondering this as Kristi and I were leaving on that last day. Why were we leaving? We weren't needed at home. She wasn't going to start work for a couple more days. So... why did we feel like we had to go?

This is why I wish sometimes that I didn't have ties with anyone. No one to tell where I'm going, or when I'll be back. I want to just go, and decide for myself when I should leave.

Hah... I can't even think of any of the other factors of why not to suddenly go somewhere. Are there anymore? I would gladly argue my reasons for why they are wrong.

Am I just being foolish? Or am I speaking truths that others are afraid to admit? I asked my mom once why I can't just get an apartment right now. What were we waiting for? She said that I still had things to learn. I don't know what though. I can't understand that answer. What do I need to learn? I want to know so I can learn it. How can I move on if I don't know what I'm waiting for? What is there to know? And, how will I find out if I don't just do it?

Am I just anxious?

Am I... missing something obvious?

Whatever it is... nothing will ever be the same now. Somehow, I feel like I've been toyed with.

I want to know. Tell me.

There is something being stirred up in me that I can't get rid of. Don't like it die. Just let me go.

Sometimes, I feel like we think too much about things. I do, excessively. But, we just take up too much time not doing things. School. Why am I still going there? I don't like it. I don't want to go there anymore. So why am I? Because this is a passing phase? Because I don't have any other options? Because I'm too afraid to do something else...?

No, I'm not afraid. Not at all. So, why hasn't anything changed?

I think I'm finally beginning to understand what it is that I want.

We aren't done yet though.

We still have to talk about this thing called Love. What is it?

-Lisa

..Thanks for the reassurance, Disturbed. It's good to know you're alive too..

Unsettled

2008-06-08T23:27:00.003-04:00

What's this all of a sudden? I stumbled upon a "Best of" concert by Morning Musume. From 2004? It's stirred up old memories - love for Musume, love for dancing, and memories made with friends.

Yeah. I want to dance again. I did a bit at school in the dance studio. It was more so to keep me alive at the time. I went there a lot late at night when I felt insane, and it helped. There was always a pain inside though, because I knew that even though I was practicing, it would never be used. I was mostly content with just challenging myself, and I have been doing that for a while. But, I can't get away from the idea of creating something. I want to keep Shojo Explosion alive... but...

Does anyone know if I'm still alive?

Since coming home, I've gotten the impression that no one really wants me around. Well, I know for sure that Kayla at least isn't going to be talking to me much. After the whole "incident," I doubt things will be the same. Mending takes effort, and I don't think either of us want to make that effort. Well, if that's the case, why don't we just agree to forget it? That'd be too simple though.

Something is up with Sam too. For some reason, she hasn't contacted me at all since I've been home. I guess I haven't gotten a hold of her either though. I probably did something wrong again. Heck, I don't know.

I'm supposed to be directing a play, but I know already that I just can't do it. I'm not focused. There's no way I can run something like that right now. My summer is just a jumbled mess of events with no dates. I have no idea what is coming next.

Those are other reasons why Shojo Explosion is falling apart. Failing friendships and me having no schedule. I want to dance. I don't think anyone can really grasp how important that is to me. But, no one else will help me, so I'm alone. The projects we started probably won't happen either. I felt like we were finally getting somewhere, but now...

Who knows. Maybe I'll be able to round everyone up again. Right now though, it looks impossible. Sam was my co-pilot in a way, and without her helping me, there's no way I can keep going.

What do you mean "without her"? Where'd she go?

I don't really know. She can't put up with me anymore or something. I really don't know. Maybe she's busy. Maybe she's waiting for me to call her first. Maybe she thinks I'm mad at her. Whatever. Trivial things. It's another thread to hold onto, right?

Tripping at the Gates of Hell.

Whatever else happens, I just want to be able to dance again. But... I can't be in charge anymore. There are too many other things in my head right now to be able to balance time, money, and peoples' moods.

Shojo has always been a battle for me. Do they care? Do they really want to do this? Will they see it through till the end? Those are always the questions lingering over me like an axe. It's all the same. It kills me to want to do something so bad, but have to sit on my hands and do nothing because someone else refuses to be dedicated to something.

Sorry, just blowing off some steam I guess. The concert just made me return for a moment to something I love, but probably will never see again.

I said a while ago that I would give more updates on the end of the "vacation", but I never did. Perhaps I'll get to it tomorrow. Sorry, again. I'm just a slacker.

As much as I love being alone, I don't think I can handle this for much longer.

-Lisa had her first taste of watermelon of this summer today

Lonelier and Longer

2008-06-07T00:57:00.002-04:00

The days are long, but the nights are longer - and lonelier
I wait for the daylight-
but darkness holds me in her grip.

-excerpt from Strengthening Your Grip by Charles Swindoll

The Enemy is Down

2008-06-06T17:25:00.004-04:00

Feeling a bit down today. Probably a mixture of being alone for the first time in a while, not being regular with my medicine (or other things), the gloomy weather, and this bothersome cold.

As for the cold, I'm coughing a lot today. My throat isn't as sore, and although I still have a constant headache, it isn't horrendous. The coughing hurts though. Everytime I cough there is a harsh sting in my chest. It should be over soon though. I can make it until then.

I went for my eye exam today. It was fun to be able to drive again (fast even!). I did end up forgetting to switch lanes though, and found myself on the bridge to Canada. After a twenty minute wait though, I managed to get back on track. It was also fun to be doing "adult things" by myself. Usually, if I'm with my mom and there are other adults around, I just let her handle things. But this time, I felt like I was on the same level as everyone else.

On the way back, I stopped at school to see Mrs. Kemp. Beth. I don't know what to call her now. I'm okay with saying "Melanie" finally. She wasn't there though, and neither was Melanie. I did run into Trudy and Candy though. I miss Candy...

A monitor person started chewing me out for being in the hallway during class and having a cell phone. Then she realized I wasn't a student. Apparently, she thought I was an eighth grader!

Ah, as for the eye exam, I'm going to have to get a special kind of lens for my right eye. I have a stigmatism, but somehow I expected that. It'll be nice to be able to see the way I should finally. I'll also be getting glasses, so I won't have to worry about falling asleep and slowly killing my eyes. The frames aren't bad. Cute, I dare say. I couldn't decide between that pair, or a sleeker, intelligent girl pair, so I asked the lady at the desk (who is always more than willing to provide advice on frames) and she said the first was more of a college girl look, so I should get them, being in college. Silly reasoning, but good all the same. We'll see...

It was on my way back that I started wishing more and more that Ricky was here. Again, nothing particularly exciting was happening, but just to have him sitting in the car while I drive would have been nice. I think about him a lot, but everyday I get more lonely for him. That sounds silly, doesn't it? It's strange how you can just be living your life, and you're fine, and suddenly you can't go a day without someone.

We talked about things last night that I've wanted to talk about for a long time, but never knew how to. Things regarding my faith... I've never had to try to explain these things before, because I've always been around other Christians, so I haven't needed to. This is difficult for me, especially after the beating I took this year. But, I still know where I stand, and I can't be moved. That doesn't come without heartache though... The Enemy may be down, but he isn't gone.

Adults are always telling kids that they need to look towards their future to prepare, or to see that there are consequences to actions, good and bad. Things like that. But, I think I do that too much. That's why I could never get along well with other people my age. I could see far beyond what they were creating at the time. The majority of my good times were spent with people older than me. When I was in 8th grade, my best friends were college students.

I enjoyed that, and I still do. I like being able to understand things that other people can't at this point in their lives. I enjoy being a part of a bigger society that most people can't see. Sometimes, it gets lonely though. I keep waiting for people to catch up.

But, I think now I need to learn to live where I am right now. To enjoy the fleeting moment, in a way. Just because I can see that something will soon end, doesn't mean I can't enjoy it while it's here, right?

I've lived better this way. Instead of days passing by quickly and without meaning, I am better able to take in things. Appreciating the present is something that many people don't know how to do, and I'm trying to learn.

Even so, I'm still the sensible girl that isn't easily fooled with fantasy. I never imagined I would be that way. I think books fooled me. I always thought I was the girl who's heart was full. Love, kindness, caring... it all came so easily to me. I was that girl for a long time. I don't know what happened, if it was a specific day or event, a series of events, or just time that blew out the warmth I used to have.

I'm just not what I used to be. I miss that girl, but this one makes more sense. Now, she can lead.

But, I never wanted to.

Can you balance a warm heart with a cold one?

Cold? Am I cold now?

What does it mean to be level-headed?

I think of my dad a lot when I make decisions, or just when I am going through a normal day. What would he do or think? I think he poisoned me with more logic I can hold. It isn't a bad thing. I just wonder if I'm missing something.

It's like ... kids my age are supposed to do stupid things and make some bad decisions. Am I missing out by not giving into desires like that? Maybe I should do something completely ridiculous, just to say I did.

But, this girl doesn't believe that is the answer. In fact, she doesn't believe there is an answer at all. This is just who she is, so let her be that way.

I have zippers in my ears!

-Lisa

I am Alone

2008-06-02T22:55:00.003-04:00

I’ve finally broken through the wall my medicine constructed in my heart. I haven’t been taking it regularly, partially just because I’ve been busy and forgetting, and partially because, deep down, I don’t like what it’s doing to me.

I know, I know. I said you shouldn't skip your medicine. I’m convincing myself again that I don’t need it.

Tonight, I was finally able to feel pain. The only thing worse than pain, is not being able to feel at all. That medicine creates something inhuman, and I don’t want to be that. I want to be able to feel again. So far, it’s just shut down my emotions. Tonight, I was able to cry again.

It’s storming out.

You may feel alone
When your falling asleep
And every time tears
Roll down your cheeks
I know your heart belongs
To someone you’ve yet to meet
Someday you will be loved

I am very alone tonight, and suddenly, I can't stand being away from him.

-Lisa

No Cookies

2008-06-02T17:37:00.011-04:00

Photos from our "vacation"

-Lisa

愛は現存するか。

2008-06-02T12:55:00.003-04:00

We're home now, a complete week later. After a shower, making tea and soup, and tossing all the things from the car into my disaster of a room, it's time to just sit and read for a bit. Read...

Here are some throughts I typed up while at Pat and Cheryl's. They didn't have open wireless, so I hadn't a chance to post them here.

Tadaa!

---

May 30th, 2008
7:54 PM
Liverpool

Well, we made it. Pastor Bruce actually found a place for us to stay, so we’re here until sometime Monday. I would be at home at this very moment, probably moping around, if it weren’t for him. Thanks :]

We’re even staying with people we kind of know. Although I don’t think I’ve ever met them in person before this, I go to church with the rest of their extended family. Actually, I’ve probably seen them for some kind of special occasion. They’re really nice, and live in a beautiful house. We’re staying in the basement which is practically an apartment. I think it might be reserved for their grandchildren, seeing as how the beddings have princess/boy themes and there are toys everywhere. They have the cutest, most well-behaved dog too.

Maybe the dog is why I feel sick… no, that started earlier. Yeah, I don’t feel well again. It isn’t too serious, it just feels like that cold that was picking on me at the beginning of the week is coming back. But, worse. Now my throat hurts so bad, I can’t really speak. I don’t exactly have any access to remedies either. I would ask for Nyquil, but my body likes to be too silly with that stuff. Who knows when I would start hallucinating! I think I might just try to sleep in a little while. I had hoped to get the play completed tonight, and probably would have been able if I didn’t feel like this. But, I have made a good deal of progress in the few hours we’ve been here. It probably has to do with me not having access to anything else (internet, games, movies…).

I haven’t complained so much when I don’t feel well like I used to. But, I really feel terrible.

The past two nights have been wonderful, and at the same time, it’s been harder to say goodbye. I think because, towards the end, we’ve actually gotten a bit of time to ourselves. In my head, I realize that he has to leave. I accept that even before it happens. He has to, and I can understand that. I almost appreciate it even. That sounds weird, doesn’t it. I guess I mean that he isn’t so caught up with me that nothing else in the world matters. Although I’m sure that other people would say that it would be terribly romantic, I think it’s foolish. Life is still happening, and it needs to be tended to. If you are involved with someone who ignores responsibilities, you are most likely going to run into some big problems.

I guess I’m still that realist.

Even so, it’s hard to let him go. Sure, I wish he didn’t have to work, but he did, and that’s fine. Besides, things were just wonderful the way they were.

There is something I want to write while running around on this topic, but even I don’t know what it is.

I still haven’t gotten a chance to do my “sit down by myself and think” thing. It would probably help me immensely. My mind just has to find its way out of this fog. This isn’t even normal fog. Usually, if you feel confused about something, you know why. Suddenly, I can’t even grasp what it is. Why do I feel like this? What is the feeling anyway? Am I apprehensive? I think so.

Earlier, sometime last week, I was really worried about something. I didn’t even know what it was at the time. It was probably after I talked to my mom about a couple things that it started in. I wondered things like, “What is keeping me here? Why do I want to be with him all the time? When did I actually look at him and want so badly to spend as much time with him as possible? When did it go from me sitting on the other side of the table, not being able to say anything, to me resting in his arms, still unable to speak? Why is it that on that one night, we sat on opposite ends on the room and talked about everything, and now I don’t have anything left to say? If we weren’t attracted to each other like this, what would keep us being friends?”

There. I think that was it. Am I still worried? I don’t know. Not right now, but it isn’t gone. Just tucked away while I’m here. When I get home, I’ll probably go back to thinking all the time and wondering and considering things that can’t be answered.

The last one is the my biggest concern. I’m afraid that we’ll get too caught up in being boyfriend and girlfriend, that we won’t be able to be friends. Affection. We’ll just want to sit and hold each other so much, that we won’t be able to not do that. We won’t be able to talk and have fun like friends should. A lot of that is just me though. I want to lean against him all the time. Actually, a couple days ago, it took me forever to build up the courage to sit close to him. Suddenly, I became comfortable with the idea and I latch on to him whenever I get the chance. So I guess even though I’m worried about it, I’m not helping either. I don’t think that if we avoided contact it would make anything better though. Maybe we just need to talk more. Not about the “important issues,” but about others things. Again, I’m not helping because I never know what to say. My mind always goes completely blank when I’m with him.

So, when I said it was easy to talk to him, it was true. For the most part, it still is. That is, if I can remember what I was going to say. Writing has always been so much easier for me, because I can just sit and think for a while. That’s why I’m still writing this and it’s midnight now.

Maybe it’s just because we haven’t seen each other for a while though. I think I’m content with that idea. When school starts again, we’ll get to see more of each other, and become more comfortable.

I’m not usually such a coward about things. Well, no. Not a coward. I’m usually not so cautious, I guess. But, I’ve never been in a situation like this before, either. This is one of the most important things in my life so far, and finally there is something serious to think about. Maybe that’s it. It caught me off guard.

But, in the back of my mind, or my soul, or wherever this is coming from… I’m telling myself that I never want to get used to this feeling.

I’ve said it before. I’m scared. But, I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing. I just want to figure out what I’m afraid of, so I can either overcome it, or just deal with it. I just need to know so I can move on.

So far I know that part of me is just afraid of myself. Why? Why do I fear myself? Because I’m changing, I think. I’m afraid of losing who I am. I’m afraid of… forgetting things. Forgetting who I was, who I’ve always been. Afraid of forgetting what I should be.

More specifically, if I were alone on this trip, I don’t know if I would actually have taken Ricky’s Dad’s offer of staying in the apartment for a few days.

That doesn’t make sense to you, does it?

Not knowing, though, means I wouldn’t immediately say no, even though I was told this couldn’t work out by my parents. I love my parents, I trust them, I believe in them. That’s why I’m scared. Although I don’t know if I would go against them and stay, I can’t say I wouldn’t.

I actually had a long talk with Kristi just now about a lot of life things. We both have somewhat of the same fears. Change. Yes, change is good, and we’re both actually looking for change, and hoping it can pop out at us around every corner. For once, we’re living, and enjoying our lives. The fears are of bad changes though. Becoming someone you never want to be. Not so much because someone else makes you that way, but because we allow ourselves to, because nothing else seems to be working.

Again, my body hasn’t stopped shaking. It could be for a number of reasons.

You know, as much as I carried on about how good this medicine has been for me, I think it is blocking a part of me. It’s restraining something. Feelings that were out of control before, are now being restricted completely. I think that is why I can’t cry anymore.

Things have been a bit unstable too. I’ve forgotten to take it the majority of this week, so my body and mind are a bit messed up right now.

Typing, typing. I just want to keep writing. It keeps me alive.

Naivety. I wonder if I’ve already done something that wouldn’t be approved of. To me, it’s fine, but that is because I completely trust him, and I’m comfortable. I keep thinking back to when Asher and Erika were dating though and there was that time where she fell asleep while she and Asher were at Eric’s house. It blew up into something terrible. At the time, I completely understood, but now that I’m here, I feel like it shouldn’t matter so much. I still understand it, but I either just don’t care, or …

Like, the night that it was just me, him, and Anthony in the basement. Me and two guys in an empty building, sleeping in the basement. Was that wrong? It isn’t like I fell asleep on purpose, but I wouldn’t have fought it either.

I've been alone with Anthony plenty of times, late into the night too. He'd usually stick around until 2 AM all week, and it would just be the two of us in the basement of an abandoned building, talking.

“You're doing fine.”

No matter how many people tell me that I’m doing the right thing, I still have myself to get past. I have to fight the battle within me. Even with everyone else’s approval, I have yet to come to a conclusion with myself.

Well, I feel better now. I think that tomorrow, I might actually feel content with myself. Kristi and I are going to go to Ricky’s house and spend most of the day there. We might drag Anthony along. We’re going to have to wait for him to call before any plans are made solid (although, on this trip, nothing has been solid), so we were considering just leaving in the morning, before he’d even be awake, and waiting in his driveway. Eventually, I’m sure we’d probably just barge in and pounce on him to wake him up. :D

We’ll see what’s to come. Hopefully breakfast. I’m hungry…

Yep. I’m happy.

Today, I bought a brown cardigan that matches the dress I wore. I didn’t feel right with bare shoulders, and wanted to find one. Kristi found it as I was giving up the search. It was absolutely perfect! Exactly the image I had in my head. That’s never happened to me before. I’ve never actually worn clothes that matched so well!

-Lisa

May 31st, 2008
Liverpool
7:47

Work. Yeah, I should be doing that. I will, but I wanted to write for a while first. I seem to be doing a lot of that lately.

Today was really great. Somehow, it was really short, but good all the same. Kristi and I left sometime around 10 this morning towards Ricky’s house. He said he would call when he got up, and that would be sort of a cue for us as to when to go to his house. But, we didn’t really want to wait. We knew we’d probably get lost, and we were going to stop for groceries anyway, so we just took off. And we did. Get lost, that is. Well, not so much lost as just off track. Kristi stresses out way too much about that stuff. As for me, I just figure that if we go the wrong way, we’ll just explore a little, and then get back on. I mean, people that come from that direction have to be able to have access to where our destination is too. A wrong turn isn’t a trap you can’t escape from.

When we turned on to his road, I panicked a little. A flood of questions ran through my head. Silly things, like, “What if he’s working with his dad today and that’s why he hasn‘t called? What if he’s still sleeping?”

None of that really matters though. So what? If he was still sleeping, we would have just waited for him to wake up, or would have attacked him and forced him awake.

Actually, no one was home when we arrived. The door was locked, and no one answered the phone. Somehow, I was content though. We wandered around a little and sat on the back porch. Although it looked like it was going to rain on us, it was quite warm out, and I was comfortable. I’ve never felt so comfortable in a situation like that either. I’ve only been in that house twice, and already I feel like it’s home. His dad helps a lot with that. I like how when he goes to leave somewhere he tells us where he’s going and about when he’ll be back. Then, he tells us to drive safely on our way back. I wish we could have stayed there…

We didn’t get to stay for a long time, and we didn’t really do anything terribly exciting, but for some reason, I especially enjoyed being there today. Upon leaving, I really just felt at ease.

We got to talk a bit. We laughed, joked around, and told stories. I enjoyed that.

We’re all going to church tomorrow. This is a dream to me. Even at the very start of planning this trip, I had hoped that more than anything else, we would be able to go to church on Sunday. It was impossible. It even became more impossible as the week progressed. But then, suddenly, tomorrow is Sunday, and we’re going to be there.

Actually, now that I think about it, I’m kind of nervous. I tend to do this. I only think about how to get somewhere, or do something, and I don’t really consider what is going to be the result of it. I think it will go well. He seems to want to go, but I’m worried a little about what he’ll think of it. I hope we can talk about things, before and after. There’s essentially something I really need to talk to him about, and it’s something that has been lingering in my heart since the very first day, but I’m having quite a difficult time bringing it up. I want to be able to talk about it before we’ve gotten too far in our relationship, but it just feels like there isn’t enough time right now. It isn’t something that can just be said. I have to… explain myself, I think.

I’ve gone over it again and again, and even I don’t know what to do. Being unequally yoked…

For now, all I know is that tomorrow I’m going to keep him close to me. I think we’re both going to be somewhat anxious.

Currently, I’m trying to explain to Kristi that leaving at 7 AM to get to Ricky’s house and back to church is a tad ridiculous. Even if it took an hour to get to his house, it would only be 8 o’clock, and that is quite early. We’re probably even going to be able to make it to the early service, just because Kristi is so worried about time, and wants to wake up at 6:30 in order to get to the 11:00 sermon.

Sometimes…

-----

I can’t tell if my cold is getting better or worse. My throat doesn’t hurt as bad today, but my head does, and my stomach is really killing me. Now, my whole body aches. What a mess.

-----

Soon, I’m going to go home. It will be nice not to have to be concerned about where I’m going to be sleeping, or about food. I won’t have to worry about what is coming next. But, I don’t know when I’ll get to see Ricky again. The two weeks we were out of school seemed like forever. August is a long time from now…

---

Hah. Yeah, I said I wouldn't have to be worried about food, but in fact, I do. Mom isn't home, so I'll probably be the one to go grocery shopping, seeing as how both Dad and Kristi are going to be working all the time. But, there isn't a vehicle here I can use, and I don't think I can pay to feed a family for weeks.

I'm really anxious to do something rather than just sit around. I want to bake, or clean, but feeling like this isn't agreeing with those activities. My cold just keeps getting worse.

I'd like to continue writing and give the conclusion of the week, but I can't right now. I'll be back though!

Photos are coming!

-Lisa

疲れた - Sleepy

2008-05-29T14:14:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been ridiculously tired. I don't mean to complain about it, because I don't have much of a reason. I just think it's odd. Well, I do still keep waking up around 7 and I've been feeling sick a lot, but these are things I'm used to now. It didn't bother me while at home, and I was doing more while there. Or, at least, I think I was.

It seems that my mind is a bit foggy right now.

Last night we went to Funk 'n Waffle, just as I had hoped. I like being able to go out with friends like that. I don't mind being around people I don't know well anymore. It's like I'm becoming an adult or something.

But, even now, I feel like I'm just a child.

After a bit of traveling and not know what we were doing, we managed to get back to the dorm and put a movie in. Movies and games are mostly what have been going on lately. I knew I had to work on this play most of the night, but I'm used to doing that. That is one of the reasons why I'm staying in the dorm, even though recording is done. I have a deadline, and it helps me to work(I've been working on it since 9 this morning, and this is my break). For some reason, though, I got really frustrated with it last night, and could barely even touch it.

Something happened to all of us last night that made everyone tired. We reflected on what we did that evening, and it hardly called for naps. But somehow, none of us managed to see the end of the movie.

Kristi went to bed somewhere towards the beginning. I knew she was overly tired, but I don't think she wanted to accept it. I can always tell with her.

Anthony fell asleep somewhere around then too. Silly guy. I woke him up a little after midnight, and the first thing he said to me was, "Where am I?"

I partially fell asleep. It was after giving up on trying to concentrate on the play that I crawled up next to Ricky and rested against him. It seems like everytime we've watched movies together, I just want to fall asleep leaning against him. At one point I noticed that my head must have been gradually been falling because eventually I could hear his heartbeat.

Last night was a little strange for me. He had to leave sometime around 11, which I knew he would. I didn't even feel that distraught about him leaving on the last day of school. I can't pinpoint as to why either. I didn't want to let go of him...

I wanted to walk with him outside, and I kept saying it over again in my head, but I was so tired that I could barely speak. After he left, I laid back down on the couch and slept for an hour. I just wanted to sleep there all night, but it was too cold.

I'm waiting on Paster Bruce to get back to me. I sent him and email last night asking if he could somehow get us a place to stay for the weekend. That was a bit awkward, and I told him that. All my life I've hated asking people for things. Even now, I go over what I'm going to say or do countless times until I work myself up into a sweat over something silly, like asking Jessica if we can go grocery shopping.

So far, things seem to be going in a good direction, though. He immediately wrote back to me and said he would check with some people. He's supposed to call me sometime today (I think), so I need to get out of this basement so the call will actually go through.

Ah, it's time to go. Hopefully Pastor Bruce will have a solution for me, seeing as how this play isn't even close to being finished, and I already know there is no way I can stay up all night editing. I'm losing my insomnia powers I think.

-Lisa

Code

2008-05-27T23:35:00.003-04:00

It's evening now, and I'm feeling better. Although my desires haven't changed, I feel a bit more at ease. Did something happen to make it that way? Not so much in the physical world. My mind was resting for a short while, and it gave me a chance to recuperate.

But still, even now, I'm dizzy and short of breath. My body is still tense and my pounding heart makes my body shake. I know what it is from, but I don't know why.

I realize that I'm thinking too much about certain things, and trying to figure out stuff that either can't or shouldn't be touched (yet). I've even been told that. I know, but I have to learn it. I learned a bit today, just from a settled mind. No matter what knowledge I have, or advice I can take in, my soul has to be the one to accept something.

Can you believe it? I have almost twice as many entries than I did in all of 2007 already. Most of them in May. A lot has been on my mind, and lately this has really been my only complete release.

This evening, Anthony, Kristi, Ricky, and I (plus two of Anthony's friends who I don't know) went to watch Indiana Jones in the theatre. It's been far too long since I saw a movie in a theatre. It was great. Yeah, the movie was pretty good, but being there was just what I needed. I think staying in the "house" all day melts my brain. The theatre was quite impressive too(probably only to me, since the only theatre I've been in is stinky Massena's). I felt like I was sitting in an airplane seat. I also quite enjoyed the audio level and quality. For ages theatres have made me terribly nervous because of the loud noise and the dark, tingling air. But, this was nice. The gunshots were sharp, and all other sounds were so crisp. It made me jump, and that is something I've missed in movies.

Squishing in the back of that girl's car was interesting too. What an adventure :] I miss those.

I'll have to keep it short because I'm running out of battery. I could plug in my laptop, but there are still dishes to be washed, books to be read, and dreams to be dreamt.

But, I just so I can bring this entry to a point, I'll say this...

Never felt like this before.

-Lisa

Unknown - Disconnected

2008-05-27T12:55:00.005-04:00

Tense. That's how I am today. I don't really feel like myself, and I don't like that at all. For now, I think I just need to write. Not particularly about anything specific, but just to keep typing and producing words.

I really wanted to write on paper, but for now, I don't have that luxury. Writing fiction has come back with a new beginning for me. Although, I haven't suddenly become active again, the desire has returned.

The basement, or dungeon, is an eerie, cold place. A place where delinquents escape the real world to drink their beer, ignore society, and live for a moment in a place they call Pretend(whether they know it or not).

I enjoy it here. Mostly, anyway. It holds good and bad memories. It's become a second home to me, actually. This is my kitchen. Kristi and I have only been here for about a day, and already I feel like I'm tending to my home. That feels nice.

For a while, I was empty. A robot. The days would go by, and I stopped bothering to count them. I lived in a gray world. But, slowly, color came back into the world, and I began to live again. I started writing down ideas again, and, even in its smallest proportion, I cared. Life started filling me up again.

So, what had happened to me? Now, I'm tense, and I want to be empty again.

I don't know what's going on. I can't form any words in my head, or come up with any sort of hypothesis on what my soul is doing. My chest tightens up and needles shoot into my abdomen sometimes. Dizzy... For a little while, I just want to be alone. To think? Maybe. But, maybe just to be empty too.

Part of me knows where it belongs. The other, doesn't. I'm becoming more content with where I am though. Home is good. I like it there. But it's a little lonely sometimes. Not because no one is around, or doesn't want to listen to me. Home is quite the opposite. Hmm...

Here, although I don't really have a permanent place to say is mine, I've adopted places in a way. The dungeon, for one. The balcony of the PAC. Again, these places are lonely, but they're mine, and I'm happy with that.

I can't think clearly. I don't want to think at all, but I can't help it. It's the only things that helps anyway. Thinking, pondering, considering. I wish it was warm out, like it was last night. I'd go for a walk, or lay in the grass and leave my soul vacant.

I need to be blunt with myself. At least I've started to learn that. Otherwise, I just keep going in circles. Alone, though. Lately, I realized that when I try to write something down, or tell someone, I try to cover myself. To prove something, with evidence. To make sure that whoever I am presenting this to will fully understand. But now, I need to just think about it alone, where I'm not worrying about who will understand.

Sometime this week, I hope we can go to the Funk 'N Waffle. I'm terrible with figuring out bus schedules, though. It might be more trouble than it's worth, but even so, I like it there. It's a good place for casual chatting.

A disconnection. That's what I want right now. To not have ties, and be able to just escape on my own. I want to travel and not tell anyone where I'm going. That isn't possible though, is it...

---

More specifically, this week is going to be nice, but frustrating too. Being here, but not being able to easily get places makes me feel so restricted. The semester was somewhat like this too because I didn't have a car. Now, there is a car, but it can barely be used. Instead, we're trying to take buses, walk if we can, and get rides from other people. This is complicated and annoying. It's even more painful to be closer to what you want, and still not be able to reach it.

-Lisa - she's scared.

Real Me, Real Feelings

2008-05-24T10:09:00.005-04:00

Lately, a lot of things have been going through my head. I've had to continue thinking about what I should do with my life, where I should go to school for the next three years, where I should live, how to get there, how to survive...

And now, I'm no longer single.

As of Monday, the 12th, actually.

This is something I'm quite ecstatic about, but also terrified of. I'd rather not go into too much detail, because this is actually one of the very few things that I find too personal to write about online. Actually, it may even be the first.

My whole life, I've been waiting for the one guy who would willingly and thoroughly care for me. It was even painful sometimes, because I had become convinced that such a thing could never happen. My parents, especially my dad, have said things like, "She's going to make some guy really happy." I think that's really sweet, don't you? I had hoped so too, but over time, I came to believe that this person I am just wasn't capable of being accepted by anyone in this world. Not because I'm no good, but just because no one would want a girl like me. I'm a complicated girl, you know.

It was more so after a discussion I had with Asher that killed my dreams of love. Everything he said was true, and I'm glad he told me those things, but it lead me to give up. He told me things like, there isn't the "One" that girls always dream of. That's only what society and the media has force fed the public. Whoever you marry is who you chose, not because this person is specifically for you. That doesn't mean you were always "meant" to be together. It also doesn't mean that if your marriage works out perfectly, it was fate, and if you end up hating each other, it's because you made a mistake, or that was also fate. Marriage is something created, and not just something you fall into and let it do whatever it is supposed to do. God does prepare someone for you, but that doesn't mean he's going to be the perfect fit, just for you. He may not be something you expect or think you can handle at all.

(I'm paraphrasing. He didn't say it in these exact words, but this is what I remember myself interpreting it as.)

I completely agree with him. But, I guess when he talked about it, it seemed to me like love was just another trial that people throw themselves into. I know there is a lot of work that goes into it, but I guess I stopped caring at that point.

"I don't believe in love. It's just something society created because it was bored. These people don't really love each other, they just think they do, and they try to keep this lie alive because it's fun, or they think that they have to. I hate love."

As bad as that sounds, I think I grew up at that moment. I stopped waiting. I stopped looking at everyone, hoping that one of them would just jump out at me and say how much they love me. I decided that I could live without someone watching out for me. I could live just fine on my own, and I would. All I wanted at that point was to escape from society, and live alone, keeping my secrets to myself. Even if that really did happen, I think I would still be okay. Somehow, I matured at that point. I was able to leave those little girl dreams behind me, and move on.

And now look at me. Thinking about him all the time, keeping my computer close by in case he sends me a message, grinning everytime someone says his name, staying up into the foggy hours of the night, not even having to talk to him, but being satisfied knowing he's on the other end. Everytime the phone rings my heart starts pounding, even though I'm almost positive it won't be him.

I think that I was finally ready for this. I've told that to a couple people too. If you just keep waiting, thinking about it all the time, nothing is going to happen. If a guy sees you looking, he's either going to think your a baby, or take advantage of you. You need to just live your life, and what he sees, will really be you, not some silly girl who is trying to act a certain way to catch someone. You need to be complete before you can move on.

It makes me think of the choice video game characters have sometime, where they are told they have to sacrifice one of their party members, and end up saying they'll sacrifice themselves. They are completely ready to die, but end up not, and actually are able to move on after that.

Does that make sense?

There are a lot of things to think about. I'm sure that for normal people, you just say, "Hey, let's go out," so you do. You hold hands, hug, kiss, whatever, because that's just what people do what they are dating. If one of your friends, or even your enemies, says something that might hint at making you doubt the other person, the relationship quickly ends.

But, that's so childish. I knew it way back in elementary school too.

We've talked about a lot of things in the few days we've been together. I don't know if anyone else can do this, or if they care, but I'm just so glad that we can talk to each other so easily. For ages, my blog has been the only thing I've ever opened up to completely. This is the very essence of who I am. Things like, "I'll miss you" I could never say to even my closest friend, and now, I can say exactly what I'm thinking to him. I've never been able to do that before, and it makes me happy to know I won't always have to be alone.

Right now though, my heart feels empty, or exhausted. I've spewed out all these thoughts and emotions all at once, and it needs time to refill. For a couple days, and especially last night, I wanted to cry. My heart is so tired, and needs a break. But, I couldn't. For some reason, my eyes won't tear up anymore. I don't particularly want a reason to cry, but when my soul feels this way, not even words can heal.

You can feel bad for me if you want, but I won't be mad at you if you don't. I'm enjoying myself, the person I am now, and I'm happy with where I am. I just need a little time to myself, maybe.

I was actually talking to a "Home Friend" today, and noticed something about how I've changed and other people haven't. A lot of it happened at the end of the semester, after I met him. He made me see things differently. Life in general. Just from things he's said, and his responses to when I complain, has made me start to see things in a better light. I try to live better now. Of course life is going to be dull if you let it. That's why we just need to be content with what we have. That's the only way we'll ever be happy. That's my mentality now, or at least what I'm trying to make it. So far, I've been much happier.

Everything my friend said to me was dim and negative. It wasn't because there was anything particularly bad going on. It's just normal stuff, and I guess she just doesn't care to enjoy herself.

I'm glad I'm not like that anymore. I'm glad I'm okay with living now.

That is why I can say that if something happens, and he and I grow distant, I will never regret these days. No matter what happens, my life has changed, and I could never thank him enough for that.

The things we've been talking about have been good. Good in the sense that we have been able to discuss important topics and get some things settled, and figure out the other person's views. I'm probably trying to figure out things too fast. We haven't known each other terribly long, and there are plenty of more days to be spent talking to each other and just enjoying being together. I know that. But, I'm worried. Not just worried, but scared.

I have knowledge on things like this. I have what I know to be right in my head, and I can realize what I want and keep my wits about me. But, this runs so much deeper than I could have ever imagined. A lot of it is just from seeing other couples. The relationships I've seen are always so shallow, that I couldn't really imagine having to stick up for myself so much. I'd much rather have it this way, than some kind of surface-based "friendship" that we feel we have to carry on with.

Some of it I am completely comfortable with, and other things, I just really hate.

I really hate it.

I don't want to say anything specific, but just in general, there are things we've talked about that I've never had to think about seriously before. Nineteen, and still just a kid. A lot of things are me not being able to understand everything, but still knowing what I belief. It's hard to explain though.

Basically, I'm afraid of losing him because of my beliefs. It isn't so much because I don't want to be hurt. First relationship and all... That's not really it. It might just be my mind getting too creative again, but I'm really afraid of hurting him. He told me some things that night that make me feel like he needs me, possibly even more than I need him. I don't want to mess anything up for either of us, but at the same time, I can't compromise what I believe.

I can admit that I shy away from affection. It has taken me all these nineteen years to be able to hug someone of my own free will. I'm not scared though. It isn't just something I need to, and will get used to over time. Affection has meaning to me, and if I can't see the meaning, or if it is abused, I don't want it. I'm careful, possibly a little afraid, but being afraid isn't what the "problem" is. This is me.

My mom started talking to me like a mom the other day. She's never really had to "discuss" anything so serious with me before, that it was painful. It was then that I realized no matter what vows I had previously made for myself, they can so easily be ignored. That's what scared me. I've never so vividly seen myself going against everything I know.

Just to make it clear, I have no doubt in my mind that I am safe with him. My feelings about myself have changed, and that is where the trouble lies.

Maybe I'm just scaring myself. Convincing myself that I'm weaker than I've always been.

Right now, there is something I want to say quite bluntly, but it wouldn't be appropriate to do so here. I don't know if I could anywhere, except in my head.

This is one of the things I never thought I would get to in my life. I never thought I would live to see eighteen. I never thought I would get to college. Not necessarily because of anything (although being sick all the time did discourage me), but mostly because I just couldn't imagine it. I thought the world would probably end before that, or I'd die of something.

So, it's exciting, actually. I'm enjoying myself through every second of this.

He's bound to get annoyed with me soon. I must be really hard to handle. Normal girls are probably a lot easier to be around because they don't have all of these morals set for themselves. Things must be less complicated. I wonder if I'm still the same girl he thought I was when we were both shot with that feeling.

There are some things to be talked about this week, and it's going to be hard. For now, though, I'm just glad I'm going to get to see him. I wish he could come here and meet my dad. My dad can say things a lot better than me.

---

When he asked me that night, and I said I would, I probably should have asked him if he was really sure he wanted to date me.

But.... I think he would have said yes. :]

---

I'm doing suprisingly well for getting four hours of sleep again. Hopefully my body will either let me sleep longer in the morning, or just adapt to a four hour schedule. I'm pretty much okay with that, as long as it doesn't make me sick or crazy. Midnight, when no one else is awake, I get a little lonely.

---

It has taken me since early this morning to write this entry. I keep getting interrupted, but I don't mind. It has given me a chance to rest my heart and mind a bit, and I've been spending a lot of time today with my dad. Lately, I've wanted to spend a lot of time with him, but haven't known how. He's usually working and when he gets home he's tired, and keeps working. On weekends he's building something, or taking care of the garden. So, today I helped him plant corn. He asked me yesterday if I would, and I wasn't looking forward to it. Usually when I work with him, I just hinder him because I don't know what he wants or what I'm doing. Things were easy today though. I basically just had to walk around while he used the corn planter and checked to make sure things were working properly. He got to tell me how things worked, which I know he enjoys. Whether or not I especially enjoy talking about corn, at least it can be something we share. I hope there will be other things soon.

There are too many words now. I'm done.

I was wondering if you were still awake
And I, I called you up, got scared and hung up
And I'm not sure if I can understand the pain
That held you back, that held you back, oh

Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day

Smile, if only for a little while
Please smile, from the start you've played the part
Your smile, I gave you the heart you're tearing apart
Your smile, took me in but it's no friend

Take me away
I feel okay
Come back some other day

-Some Other Day, Flick

-Lisa

Medical Updates

2008-05-23T14:16:00.003-04:00

It occured to me today that I never said what medication helped when I was so blue. I know that there are plenty more people out there that have had, or are experiencing right now, the same feelings. For me, it felt like forever before there was any change for the better. I don't want anyone to have to go through that...

Before I even saw a doctor, I got a hold of some wellbutrin and took one pill every morning. Eventually, when I did see a doctor, she said that was probably the best thing for me, and was able to prescribe some. We just ordered a refill, and instead of getting wellbutrin, we recieved a generic brand (Bupropion) which didn't cost us anything, rather than the hundreds it would have been for the name brand stuff. That was a plus. So far, the generic seems to be working perfectly fine.

As for side effects, for the first month or so I was extremely shaky, and got dizzy often. I don't remember the transition period completely, but I remember wondering if people could see my body vibrating as they talked to me. It went away eventually as my body adapted to the medicine though.

The last week of school I stopped taking it because I thought it was why I was waking up sick every morning. I'm still not sure why that happened exactly. It was probably just a combination of things. But, I could definately see a difference at the end of the week. I didn't slip back into the hole I was in, but I could feel myself getting ready to.

Don't skip your medication.

Eventually, I won't have to take it everyday. For now though, I just want to be able to stay stable.

I hope that helps anyone that might be looking for answers.

Now I have to go call the doctor to sort out some other health issues, and make some tea to try to get rid of this cold.

-Lisa

Soulless

2008-05-21T08:21:00.003-04:00

I'd like to reflect a little on the whole crisis that happened in the beginning of last semester. I wrote a lot during that time about how hopeless things were, and now that it has passed, I think I should give the conclusion.

Quite honestly, I can't really remember what happened. I know the things I keep repeating when people ask, but it's all really just empty. That whole part of my soul was really just sucked away. That doesn't make it go away though... it's just numb. For now.

I did get through it, but not without wounds. I broke. People have actually congratulated me on getting through such an experience. Somehow, I almost feel hurt by that though. It's not like it was just another test. This was every bit of my soul.

My faith was really hurt during this time also. The typical reaction for people to have when something goes wrong is, "Where were you God?" This isn't so much what happened with me. I don't even think it can really be explained in words. I think my soul just got so battered that it wrapped up inside itself. I was scared, but didn't want any help. I think I was just afraid of everything, and gave up so much that I didn't even bother asking God for help.

I didn't stop believing, and I didn't lose my faith. But, I didn't develope at all either. It isn't like this experience has strengthened my "spiritual walk" as many people assume that it must have. Generally speaking, when a Christian is "attacked" by evil, and they are able to get through it, they feel like they have grown stronger in their faith.

I don't quite know what happened to me. I think that, although others may think the situation came out positive (and it did eventually, in many ways) and was a success, I really just died and eventually floated back to the surface to a crowd of people that thought that everything must be okay because I'm alive again. It isn't enough just to be alive though.

Back to the faith thing though...
The point I am at now feels like I've gone back several years of my life. I remember as a kid, I knew the stories, the rules, the answers... But, I didn't really let Jesus live inside of me. I lived like a Christian, but I got stuck in that ditch between having religion and having a relationship with Christ.

It wasn't until my Sophmore or Junior year of highschool that I realized that I wasn't going anywhere. I started praying, real prayers, and reading my Bible every night. It isn't that I never did this before, but it was at that point where I wanted difference. Change happened. I changed from being a dumb girl who just followed along with stupid highschool antics, to someone who could really stand her ground, and make decisions on her own. I can't say that I suddenly became this Godly woman, but I was able to see things clearer.

When the incident happened, I retracted from everything I ever knew. It isn't that God forgot about me, or he was just seeing how I would do on my own. I know He was there, because when I look back, I really wonder why I didn't either run away or just kill myself. Things began falling in place after that too, which leads me to believe that he was setting the stage for the next scene.

Right now, spiritually, I'm a little lost. I have the knowledge I've always had. If someone were to ask for advice on something, I'd respond the way I always have, keeping God first in everything in life. I know the difference between right and wrong, and I think I have a deep maturity as a young Christian. For now though, I can't talk to Him. It isn't because I'm mad about anything. It isn't because I don't have time.

I ... don't think I care to right now.

I've tried. I've tried praying a lot since then, and the most I can ever get out is, "Help me." It's sufficient though. God doesn't really need an explanation.

It's like when your Dad goes on a trip somewhere for several days. He hasn't abandoned you, or stopped caring about you. He'll call on the phone and talk to you, but it's kind of empty. You can't really express how you feel much on the phone. What would you say anyway? You just wait until he gets home to feel alive again...

I guess that's it. Although, God hasn't gone on a trip away from me. I think I've gone on the trip, and I don't really like it.

For now, I'm trying. I think that eventually, I'll be okay. I'd like for the people who think I'm alright because I managed to "get through" to know that you can get through anything, but not without permanent wounds. It doesn't really matter though. This is between me and God.

Other than that, I'm doing alright. I feel alive again. Instead of waking up every morning wondering what kind of tragedy is going to happen, I can wake up with a goal in mind. I want to get better at things again. I want to grow again. Before, I basically just wanted to be incinerated.

I noticed how much of a shell I had become during that time by sorting through photos I've taken throughout the year. I've made it a habit to take photos of myself every so often, because I know that I change a lot, and I want to be able to remember where I was in my life. It's also to try to improve my photography skills. You won't learn unless you keep doing it, no matter how bad you start out. Trust me, I have plenty of really terrible photos.

Broken

Empty

Lost

Sleeping in the leather lounge?

Falling apart

But... somehow things changed. I think it was sometime after I met Jessica and Anthony. They gave me some hope. It took a while, but I started coming back to life. It took several months to be able to talk about anything without crying, but now that it has passed, I can smile again.

Look at that. I think she's going to be okay.

-Lisa

(sorry about the sloppy code in this post)

A Dream of Lilacs

2008-05-17T00:34:00.007-04:00

I'm quite confused, but when am I not? Lately, I've been thinking about things. The way things are now, the way they were, and the way things will change from now on. I wonder... what makes me happy?

Right now, I am happy. But, why?

Is it alright to question that, or should I just accept it?

When I think of these things, I just drag myself in circles. I want to be at home, but when I get there, I'm not content. I want to be at school, but I know I'm just going to get stressed out. I want things to stay the same, not to change. Yet, I don't want things to be stuck in this rut that never allows for change.

Am I just a fickle girl? Do I just need to change my attitude towards things? That's probably most of it.

Somehow, I can't help but think that I'm still suffering from the PTS symptoms though. My life flashed before my eyes, in a terribly grotesque way. It has left me wondering a lot of things. I want to be able to hold on to some of those pieces I think.

What do I want... what do I want...

Even if I could never achieve what I want, I think I might feel better if I can at least figure out what it is.

I want to be strong, and I think that for the most part, I am. There are a lot of things I've dealt with on my own, and I've done alright. But, given the chance, I think I kind of just want to fall apart. Just for a moment...

What is happening to me?

Lately, everytime I lay down, I fall asleep. To be drawn into a dreamworld, where everyone knows you, but can never remember your name.

She wonders what she'll do with her life...

What will happen when there are no more robots left to fight?

All she can be sure of now...
Is she likes May for the Lilacs.

"First Emotion of Love"

"Youthful Innocence"

I never cared much for the overrated language of flowers... but, I think I like these.

-Lisa

A Girl

2008-05-14T16:54:00.003-04:00

She is back now, under her own Sky.

And, she's happy.

For a Moment

2008-05-12T14:58:00.005-04:00

I sit here waiting, I'm not sure for what. There is a moment of peace I didn't expect to encounter today. Listening to Chopin always makes me think.

Soon, we'll have talked. It will be dark outside. The humming cars passing by, the wheels crackling over the brick path, the sound of crying friends... soon, that will be over. Silence.

Finally, a moment where what is coming doesn't matter to me. The chaos hasn't ended, but for now, this moment holds me and lets me breathe. Suspended.

A quiet feeling. Maybe two. No more wondering. It's still unknown, but the racing mind can't change it. A thought to savor.

We're saying our goodbyes. We latch onto each other for as long as we can stand. Excitment, contentment, meloncholy. Contemplation.

It comes. I wonder. It's here. It's over.

This moment is peaceful. I think I'll stay right here.

-Lisa

To Conquer a Single Day

2008-05-12T11:19:00.003-04:00

Breakfast, PAC, study, WORLD CIV FINAL, work, and then...

Here goes!

-Lisa

Never Felt Like This Before

2008-05-11T19:00:00.002-04:00

I listen to music to know that I am not alone
I read books to know that I am not alone
I look at you and I see I am not alone
When I reach out to you it feels like coming home

I'm coming to a perfect world with you
I'm waiting for the moment with you, hey hey hey hey

Over my head, really
Never felt like this before, maybe
Can't say the reason, clearly
The rhythym beats me,
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling

I listen to music to know that I am not alone
And when I touch you, I find we're not the only ones
I'm coming to a perfect world with you
I'm waiting for the moment with you, hey hey hey hey

Over my head, really
Never felt like this before, maybe
Can't say the reason, clearly
The rhythym beats me,
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling

The perfect world is hard to reach
The perfect world makes us happy
Get going to get the groove
Get going to catch your move
Overhead, over my head, really
Never felt like this before, maybe
Can't say the reason, clearly
The rhythym beats me,
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling, feeling, feeling
You know that feeling

- Perfect World, Shonen Knife

Monday is coming, and I'm excited. Things are so complicated, and yet... it's just so simple.

-Lisa

A Kiss Goodbye

2008-05-08T01:19:00.004-04:00

Jessica left today.

It's empty here.

I'm starting to feel the effects of distance. I don't want to go now. I don't want to go back home. Just as soon as I get used to something, I'm moved. Another week. Just, please, let me stay here another week.

Not for school, or for the dirty city. I've befriended people here who are so important to me. I miss my family, my pets, my grass. I don't miss my room. It's become a dark place. Lonely. But, I don't live there anymore.

Everyday, it will just be me. I'll lay in the grass, alone. I'll cook alone. Whatever I strive for will be only for myself.

Is this bad? No, but I guess I've just gotten used to being a part of a society. One where... someone cares.

I never thought I would miss people so much.

This has never happened for me.

Goodbye, everyone.

This has been a wonderful week. Thank you.

Anthony - Lisa - Jessica

To Believe Again in Love

2008-05-04T13:28:00.002-04:00

These past few days have revived a belief for me in what society likes to call love. An infatuation.

The good part of my bad day was time with a certain person. It's cute because I feel like I'm watching from the outside; two cute kids, too shy to even look each other in the eye. It started not too long ago, but has only recently hit me as wanting to be around him all the time.

That day was filled with a lot of things going wrong. Not necessarily bad, but just wrong. It was that same evening that I took my first photo of my mission, Project Good. I remember him being excited to go eat with us, and that I had invited him, but when we got there, he suddenly looked really blue. That made me sad too. I wanted to hug him. When I asked Andrea later what was wrong with him, she said he felt sick. But you know, I don't think that's true.

Then, in the evening I suddenly had an urge to invite him to have sandwiches with me and Andrea in the basement. I don't entirely know if I was sure of his intentions or mine at the time. I just... I think I wanted to get to know him. It was almost like a desperate act though. As soon as I left the cafeteria I shot a text message at Andrea asking her to invite him to join us. I kept sending nonsense texts too since she didn't reply right away and I was afraid she would miss the message.

He said yes, and girlish excitment bubbled up within me. That night made me happy. At one point, I was laying on the floor and my eyes were closed, and he very gently touched my shoulder and asked if I was alright.

During that time I remember not wanting the moment to end. When we were getting ready to leave, I tried to stall everyone. I didn't want him to leave. Isn't that a silly thought? I quickly suggested that we get together on Saturday for video games. I can't remember if he just didn't hear me, or didn't think I was talking about him too, or if I just got really shy and didn't direct it towards him. But Andrea and I made plans to do so. As soon as I got back to my room though I sent him a message asking him to join us, and he responded in his cute, polite way saying, "if there is room for me, I would certainly like to join you on Saturday."

And we did. We had a grand time yesterday, or at the very least, I did. We started out playing Resident Evil, which Jim isn't very good at, and he still hadn't showed up. I knew that my day would have been completely shattered if he couldn't come for some reason. I kept watching the door and everytime it opened, I got butterflies in my stomach. About a half and hour later, he entered, and I tried not to look thrilled.

We watched Jim get really confused in RE4 for a while, until he took over and showed us all up. He didn't do it in an arrogant way, which I was pleased with. It was just fun.

Eventually we put in Katamari Damacy, mostly because he had asked about it the night before, and I wanted to show him. He never played until we were just about to turn it off, and I passed the controller towards him. "He hasn't played yet."

During one of the levels, I layed down on the floor with my dog, Frederick, and closed my eyes for a bit. They stung, but that isn't really uncommon. I was sleepy too. After a while he turned the volume down on the TV down a bit, and I heard him ask Andrea if I was alright.

Does he really worry that much about me, or does he do that for everyone? It doesn't really matter. It's sweet.

Then, DDR. It was really cute to see the boys try so hard to step on the right buttons. I played with Andrea on a few challenging songs, and it was a lot of fun. We haven't played together like that in a long time. I eventually started feeling really sick because I pushed myself too much, and wasn't feeling well to begin with. He and Andrea played a few rounds, and he looked so determined to get it right. As soon as one song was done, he immediately moved on to the next.

About the time we quit that, it was 6 o'clock and everyone, especially The Hulk JimJames. We pondered for a bit about what we should get to eat, whether we should walk somewhere or order. He mentioned something about not walking because some people looked too exhausted to move that much (guess which sweaty member he looked at). Eventually, we did decide to walk though, and it was a nice walk. The temperature was perfect.

We ended up going to Friendly's and really had a good time. There isn't much to say about it, just that I sat across from him and was quite content with that. This was probably the most we've ever talked to each other. It wasn't much either, but when our eyes met, which was very rare, it's like we were stuck.

It could have just been me though.

When we left, it was raining outside. I was really too happy to care. In fact, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I half daydreamed and hoped that it would really pour and we'd be drenched when we got back. Then he could look at me and either laugh or feel bad and give me a wet hug. None of that happened, but it was still fun to think about.

Andrea and I made tea for everyone. At first he couldn't decide what kind he wanted.

"Actually, I don't really want-... well, what kind is your favorite?"

I made him the cinnamon tea.

"I did indeed enjoy that tea, it had actually been too long since I'd had good tea like that."

We all got comfortable in my cozy little room(even though it isn't really wonderful, and it was a mess, I was happy to be able to show him a part of me) and watched Sweeny Todd. I could have sat on the other side of JimJames, but I took the risk and sat between the two where there was just enough room for tiny me. I was pleased with this, because when I squealed and covered my eyes at the bloody part, he put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me.

He had to leave somewhere in the middle of the movie, when it was almost 1 AM.

"You have to leave...?"
"...Yeah."

He dashed away into the night.

I feel bad to say to myself, this is going to end quickly, and it's just a crush. You have to have those once in a while. I don't think I've even really felt like this about someone before, and not my mind and my heart are fighting with each other.

Again.

We had some kind of contact about a month ago. Yes, April 1st was when he sent the first message. Although I had sat with him at dinner a couple times, we never really communicated. It was a big group, and not everyone knew each other, so it wasn't so awkward. Hm... now that I think of it, I don't know how her found out my name. I doubt he could have remembered me from our Creative Problems short course. It was only three classes and that was a long time ago. We sat at the same table, but didn't really talk to each other. I remember being impressed though because he was very sincere with his answers and analysis's.

Well, he sent me a message about my deviantart page, which he most likely found on my facebook page(that is where he has been sending me messages). He said he really liked my photography and my videos on youtube.

I like a guy who finds out who I am before approaching me. :]

We've really only talked on facebook since a couple days ago, and it's always been about interesting topics, like, "I read your story and...". Things with substance. Not just, "Hi, wassup lol"

I don't know how it got from the beginning of the month and us not even looking at each other, to it being the beginning of May and me asking him to dinner and to hang out on weekends.

That isn't something I do, either. I kind of can't even believe myself that I am being so open about this. It...is kind of obvious, I think. If not for others, than for us.

This is where my mind starts causing trouble though. He is a very sweet guy, and respectful too. But, that's him, not just towards me. That's good though, because I don't want to be around someone that only acts a certain way around certain people. It is also a reflection of the short story I read by him. It was about a guy and a girl, and the guy was "accidently" flirting with her, so she took it that way. He later had to explain that he didn't mean anything by it, he just thought he was being nice and that they were friends. I worry a little that that is the way we are.

Somehow, I still like to believe it isn't though. Even if I am tricking myself, I'm happy right now.

When I asked him to come to dinner with the "family," he was "looking forward to tomorrow." Then, when I asked him to come play with us on Saturday, he was "eagerly awaiting to see what tomorrow brings."

He even got a little jealous at one point, or just upset. Or at least, that's what my mind is telling me. He mentioned something about another guy who has been leaving me sappy messages and acted like it was wrong. Heehee...

I can't help but see that as a hint.

I was actually lonely last night after he left...

To say it quite frankly, I'm naive. But, I think he is too. Well, maybe not so much naive, but innocent. I'm happy with that.

But, I'm a Christian, and I know he isn't. In fact, he treats Christianity basically the way the rest of the world does. Not in a horribly aggressive way, but just when the topic comes up, there is always something negative and sarcastic to say. It isn't just that, but I know if we even ended up doing something serious, I would have to break it off eventually, and I don't want either of us to be hurt. I wouldn't want that hanging over my head the entire time either.

People change, and I know that. But I don't want to convince myself that it's okay because there is a slight chance he might suddenly understand what Christianity really is, and not what the world makes of it.

I'm already going nuts. It's Sunday, so he isn't on campus. That's lonely. There isn't even a chance of me bumping into him, not that I ever have before. I won't be able to see him tomorrow either because I have work and then class in the evening. I'm this hopeless already. It's kind of cute.

I think for now though, I'll just enjoy the fact that I'm not always going to be alone, and that for once, I can honestly enjoy the company of someone. I can keep my wits about me, and still forever remember this as a moment when I first tasted a bit of love.

But logic broke us.

-Lisa

Misson Two - Complete

2008-05-03T12:30:00.002-04:00

Lisa - Master Bruno Schirripa

The best mission of them all.

A Good Bad Day

2008-05-01T23:50:00.004-04:00

Today was rough, but somehow I got through it with an upbeat attitude. I was feeling kind of down towards the end, but something cute happened, and now I can conclude that it was a good bad day.

It's late, so I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

-Lisa

Project Good. Mission Start.

Mission One Accomplished.

Richard - Adrienne - Andrea - Lisa - James

A Fine Conclusion

2008-04-29T19:13:00.002-04:00

Tonight I closed something. I didn't lock it, but for now, it is closed, satisfied. I'm happy. That chapter has been concluded and I think it ended well.

I'm really happy. Not in a drunken, hyperactive way. I'm just wonderfully content in this moment. Tonight I finally got to see Master Schirripa.

He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I can't even express how important he is to me. In some ways, I can't believe I waited this long to talk to him, but in other ways, I'm glad it was this way. I know he sincerely cares, and no one could ever change my mind about that. I don't even think I could ever convince myself of that.

I was nervous, just like I always am. I had done it countless times. Walked into the building, walked out, walked back in and sat in the lobby, peaked in the window to see if he was there, but never got close enough to really be able to tell. Tonight, I walked in and wandered a bit, something that had become somewhat of a routine for me. The room that TKD was moved to has a transparent entryway, so I was afraid to walk past. I didn't want the members to see me. There isn't really an expanation for that, but I don't think there has to be. You can understand, can't you?

So, I fought with myself for a while about getting close enough to see if the Master was really in there. Eventually, I just stood by the wall just before the room and listened. Yep, that was him. I could hear his voice. He was instructing the members on some kind of routine. Then, a yell. Then, a chorus of yells. It scared me at first. Its been a long time.

This time, even if I still wasn't going to go in the room, or even walk past it, I wasn't going to move from my spot. I wasn't going to let my fear drive me away anymore.

I had butterflies in my stomach the whole time anyway.

At one point, I was standing next to one of the benches in the hall, staring into the corner of the room I could see, wishing I could just catch a glimpse of his black uniform just so I could know he was there. Then I did. I didn't just see a corner of his uniform, I saw him. He looked right at me, twice even, but I don't think he really saw me. Still, I was happy with that.

I sat again, and before I knew it, he stepped out of the room. That's why I've never been able to meet up with him. He leaves early for something. It was a little after 6:40 at that point.

Again, he looked in my direction, but I don't think he realized it was me. I stood with a dream-like feeling and said, "Excuse me, Sir,"

I wish I could do that again. A timid girl speaking to her Master. What a sweet thought. That was me.

His face wrinkled with that big grin of his, just as I had hoped. A brief hug. He asked me how I was doing, and before I knew it, we were talking about life as he changed his shirt (hahaha, somehow that wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be when he said, "Come over here and sit while I change my clothes").

Everytime I tried to get to TKD to see him, I got nervous because I didn't really know what to say, and I wanted to talk to him about what has been going on, but I never knew how I could say it. I didn't have to though. I can't clearly remember how we got there, but it doesn't matter now. I think... he's just experienced. There are things he has said that has happened in his life that people would probably never believe when they see him. I won't write that here just because it's too personal, but I'll never forget.

I feel like I can be proud of him. I'm happy that he was able to get through things, and can still smile at me. It makes me think that he needed that hug just as much as I did.

I told him that things have been really hard, and I've been having to think a lot about what I'm supposed to do with my life. I didn't even cry. I felt tense, and not because he is intimidating or overpowering. He spoke very softly to me, and although he might not have even noticed he was doing so, I appreciated that more than anyone else could imagine. While other people always tell me to speak up or yell to me because that is how they communicate with people, Master Schirripa could really come to my level and make me feel like we could really talk to each other, not that he would just talk at me like other people do.

And we did talk.

He asked me about my grades, like he was one of my parents, but in a sweet, caring way, not a controlling way. He told me things like, I should do what my heart really wants to do, and that my mind can very easily confused those feelings.

I had always thought that the idea of "following you heart" was too idealistic, and people should really be logical about the decisions they make. I still believe that people should think things through and try to make a good decision. But when he said it, it all of a sudden made sense.

When you do what your heart tells you, it's never a wrong decision.

That is partially what is happening and it's driving me mad(he said it would, and said it probably had for me already, which I agreed with). I know what I want now, but my mind is fighting against me because I don't want to end up doing something stupid. Which is good... but it's still messing me up.

He told me that his son started out in a college for sports, but after an injury, he had no idea what to do. So, he went to his father and said he needed time to figure out what he was doing with his life. His father gracefully agreed, and he took a year off from school. The year after he started school again somewhere else with a whole new idea on life and what he should do with it.

When he was telling me about how he was having a really hard time, but somehow ended up where he is now, he mentioned something about a "greater being." He said, "I don't know what you believe about a high power, but I believe there is some kind of being that is always watching over you." (adapted a bit because I can't remember the exact words)

I'm sure he was going to be late for something because we were talking, but he seemed okay with it anyway. I walked with him slowly towards the door, and it just felt really peaceful at that time. I've always been nervous about other people watching or listening, but at the time we were outside walking, or just no where. It was quiet, and I didn't notice anything else.

I remember this specifically as we walked. He said, "You are very talented, and very beautiful." He probably doesn't realize how good that made me feel. I've been called pretty and cute by people my age, but to be told I am beautiful by a man like that makes all the difference in the world.

I wanted to ask him how he knew I was talented. I really wanted to, but I knew it wouldn't come out right. I don't mean it in a bad way, like, "who are you to tell me that," but instead I was just fascinated with how he can just see that in people. I guess I wanted to know the magic behind it.

"Have you talked to you folks?"
"A little."

I was even specific with my problems. Usually I just say, "It's been rough," but I told him about my old roommate a little and moving out. I quite plainly told him that I want to quit school. He didn't give me a surprised or disappointed look. He could just understand.

He asked what I like to do so I told him about my love for writing and photography. He said he used to do photography with models and when he was talking about it he got real excited saying, "You just know when that is your photo."

I explained that I was in the Communication Television/Media field, which was kind of close to what I want, but not really at all. I love how easily he could understand that.

"You want art."

Do you know what it is like to have someone just know you like that? It's really amazing.

I told him about my work for Roji's and how I was perfectly happy with that. But still, I have to survive somehow.

He mentioned a couple times about some of his close friends that are in that field. I can't remember fully, but he said something about

So much more was said, but it seems like a blur now. What he did say was helpful, and he kept asking me if it was too. "Does that help at all?" Always a nod and a smile. It's like the words he spoke went into my heart rather than my head, because even now, I don't feel so cold.

As we began to part, he said he hoped that if I did stay in this college next year, he hoped to see me back at TKD. I explained to him why I suddenly left, something I had been thinking about forever, but could never completely come up with the right way to say it. I just plainly said what was right there in my mind, and I was completely comfortable with telling him that. I told him about how I'm hard on myself, and I would always worry about it all week. But, I also made sure he knew how much I absolutly loved it there. He understood, and I'm glad.

I also told him that I had been wanting to talk to people about these things for a while, but it had been too hard.

"It was just time."

I was satisfied.

We hugged. It was a hug I could even hang on to, not a half hug, or an uncomfortable one that I just want to get out of. I needed him.

We bowed.

We parted.

It feels good to be happy for a moment like this.

I don't have any regrets about tonight. Usually when I am in a situation like that, after it's over I wish I would have said something more, or I wish I hadn't worn that shirt. Everything was perfect. I didn't hide myself from him like I always do with everyone, especially when I'm hurting. For once, I was completely myself. Tonight, I am content.

I think college has taught me that somewhere, in very strange circumstances, there will be someone who will give you a hug.

-Lisa

Don't Forget to Smile Over Me

2008-04-29T12:16:00.006-04:00

Remind me not to ask anyone about PSP issues ever again. I'll just figure it out on my own.

It's the forum world again. The realm where everyone gets offended over silly misunderstandings or just because they feel like they're a god and know everything and everyone else should be honored to be scorned by them.

It's true, isn't it?

I've always tried to be very polite and careful in forums and such when I'm asking a question, because I just want an answer and I don't want to have to get involved in that. Well, you just can't stay away from it. Just don't ask questions. Got it?

This was a live-chat IRC thing I was in, and when I asked my question, it basically was ignored. The rules said that they really hate impatient people, so I didn't ask again. I wasn't impatient anyway. This is just a problem that has been lingering around my PSP for a bit, and I thought I would just ask someone rather than spend hours trying to find an answer on my own.

They were busy at the time answering questions for other people who didn't use punctuation and said things like, "i wan some1 with experiments 2 anser my Q...!!!..???!!"

Eventually I just mentioned that I had a question still, and they could just get to me whenever they had a chance.

I guess I thought that was a decent thing to say. I really didn't need an immediate answer, and I didn't want to interupt while someone else was in the middle of something. It's like being on the telephone and having someone trying to talk to you that isn't on the line. It's confusing and annoying.

Well, the response I got was, "Just ask your questions...geez"

Eh, it isn't really a big deal, but I guess I just can't help but be annoyed with people who say things like that when they really hate impatient people. Well, in the end, they didn't give me a good solution, they just sent me a link and moved on. It wasn't the thing I needed.

As I was leaving, an argument was brewing between two others. Something along the lines of, "Well, you're going to have to leave because we don't support hardware modding here." Then, "Oh, so you're just going to end it because you were proven wrong?"

Ridiculous.

I can't understand why people try so hard to fight like that.

----

As for the weekend, it was a little confusing. I had a good time overall. I was away from stupidface school and in a really beautiful town. We did a lot of shopping, and the shower for Erika was really nice. I really enjoyed the ride down too.

There were some stressful points for me, but that's just because I'm so tied to the way I think things should be. I felt a little ignored, because usually Asher just pays attention to me, and we play games all night. Instead, he was talking about "adult" things; things that adults talk a lot about, like the government, politics, money... things that you just complain about but it doesn't make anything better. I guess I still am just a child to him. When he was in college, and I was just a kid in highschool, it's like we were on the same level. I could raise myself up to him in a way. I was usually at that point anyway. My closest friends at the time were people in college. Somehow, I think I was supposed to be there instead of highschool. I was on the same plane.

Now he's married, and I just can't get to him now. Instead of just moving on with him, he's gone to a different place entirely, somewhere I can't get to as I am now. Things were easy before.

I got to talk to my mom about things too. I cried a bit in the car on the way back. It isn't because I'm depressed all the time, it's just that everytime that subject comes up, I get really weak. Nothing was resolved, but she didn't try to push answers at me either. I could just tell her what was on my mind, and that was good.

We talked a little about how we shouldn't worry so much. The pastor was talking about it last Sunday too. Worrying really doesn't help things to not go wrong. We're just making ourselves miserable while we should be enjoying the time where things are okay.

I need to put that in practice more.

This particular situation is different than just worry though. There is a decision. It isn't just that I shouldn't think about it and get worried over it. If I do that, nothing will ever happen. There is a path I have to take, but I don't know what it is. There are choices. I can either choose to make a change in my life, or not do anything and just let it go on the way it is.

It's a noose. There is a rope around my neck, and I have to decide if I'm going to take it off, or if I'm going to wait for someone to do that for me. Will it just fall off? Will it get tighter? Or will it just stay there forever, leaving me to wonder when it's going to kill me.

That's all.

I got my camera this weekend.

-Lisa

Look at what it can do!

Generally Speaking

2008-04-28T23:23:00.001-04:00

Overall, it was a pleasant weekend.

Conflicts

2008-04-24T10:10:00.002-04:00

I know, it's probably terribly boring to just read about my problems all the time. Lately, I just haven't been able to put my mind to anything else.

School is going to be over soon, which I have really been looking foreward to. I really need to get out of here so I can think. I was imagining myself at home though, and somehow I just didn't get the comfort that I wanted.

My whole life, the safest place to be has been my home. There, I wasn't attacked, and there were people I could relax with, have fun with, and people that could understand and care for me.

Things were going especially well in the spring of 2005. At the time I was still struggling with illness, and I think that was the start of my mom's problems too, but in that time we were able to spend a lot of days just being together and sharing thoughts. I remember going out with her and we would get some fun snacks and a game to bring home.

Then, that ended. For some reason, things just couldn't be the same in my home after that. The change happened about a year later I believe. It was around that time that my sister transfered schools and started living at home. I went absolutely mad. I hated going home after school, because it didn't feel like my territory anymore. I guess I had just really gotten used to the idea of me being the only child in the house. I was the eldest in a way. If you've kept up with my previous posts from that time, I'm sure you might have an idea, if I even portrayed it correctly.

It has been nothing but conflicts since then.

While in highschool, I wanted to go home because I felt so terribly at school, but at the same time I didn't want to go home because I didn't feel like I fit there anymore.

Then, as college approached, I was eager to be able to get out of the house and live on my own, but then again, at the same time, I didn't want to leave what I have always known as home and be thrown into a chaotic world I knew nothing about.

At Christmas time, I got to go home, and I felt like I could start over. Things keep changing though, for me, and for my family. I felt like I grew up, quite considerably, and I felt like I lived better. When I went home, it felt cold and empty. No one was ever home. Kristi was at school all day, and both of my parents were at work until late into the night. I had gone home to see my family, and none of them were there. The house was really a mess, and it looked like many of the items in the house had not been touched since I left, and if they had, they were treated roughly and just thrown back into place because whoever was using it was in a rush to leave. The animals were sad and lonely from the same fact of going from having a family, to being abandoned while the sun was up.
I remember that when my brother returned to the house while he was in college, it was always a big deal to make the house sparkling clean for when he got home, and to make sure his room was clean and ready for him. Everyone got excited. His friends would come over the same night he got in, and they would stay up all night playing games and just being boys.

Maybe I want a life that just isn't meant to be mine. When I come home, there's just dust and emptiness. My family isn't there, and if they are, they are stressed or working or being lazy because they've had so many other things to do.

I don't want to live like that.

My friends aren't around when I come home either. They're too busy for me. "I might get a job," or "I'm only here for a couple weeks, then I'm going to see my friends in whereverland," or "My dad won't let me." Somehow, it just isn't conveinient to have relationships. That's girls just being girls.

I don't care that much though. I've gotten used to it by now. It's painful sometimes though when I know I could make something great, but need the help of friends, and they aren't there, or just don't want to. It's hard enough to get rejections like that, but it's even worse when I know that there is something I love, and something that could be great, but what is a terrific idea is shot down repeatedly. No one could imagine how many plans I've made to create something or ideas I've had that would run so perfectly. Things that could just turn into something so wonderful and creative (speaking mostly of video related things), but they are abandoned.

The things I want to do more than anything, I can't. Do you know how painful that is?

As for family, specifically speaking, there is never food in the house. We don't eat real meals anymore, just TV dinners, or something that can just be quickly heated up. We don't even sit at the table for meals anymore. We used to have lunch too. Dishes pile up and are never cleaned. Washing windows? Does that ever happen anymore? It's too much of a bother to get in the car to go anywhere. Getting dressed in the morning is tiring.

These things aren't really anyone's fault. I just hate that things have changed so much from what they used to be. No one seems to ever have the energy to do anything anymore.

Now, I need to leave. I'm done with this life, and I want to go home. But I'm afraid to go back to something like that. I live a certain way now, and it's differently than the way I used to. It's different from the way my family lives, so it is going to be hard to put those together.

There's a parental issue floating around in my mind to, and this one hurts the most.

First of all, my dad.
All of my life he's continually told me that he has "high hopes" for me. He expects me to do everything right and make all the right decisions and listen to him and take his word on everything. I've basically been okay with that until now too. I completely trust him. He's a brilliant guy, and he has the best advise I've ever heard from anyone. I know he really cares deeply about me too.

This is really hard.

At the same time though, he can't be in my mind. He doesn't know what I'm feeling, and most of the time he really just doens't know the details of what's going on at all. He doesn't really have time for that, so we usually don't tell him. I'm afraid that when I go home he's going to have all of the answers for me. The answers... that I really don't want, I suppose. He's so full of logic, that feelings usually aren't taken into account. Of course, a person shouldn't run on feelings, but they can't be ignored easily either. Sometimes you should be able to be happy... right?

It isn't all the big issues either. There are things that he has always said to me, like, "You need to get outside," or "You shouldn't play games so much." These things are true. All of his you need's and you should's or shouldn't's, are true. But... I don't think I could take it anymore. I'm at a point where I need to be deciding and discovering these things on my own now. Being told things like that just makes you want to defy it all the more. Where I am now, I think it would be degrading too.

I don't know. Maybe he won't say these things to me. But, has he really realized that I'm older now? Does he even want to accept that I can take care of myself now?

As for my mom... this I think will be even more painful to talk about.
We've always.. always been very close. She's been my best friend for years. I've always been able to talk to her about anything.

This is so hard to admit, but things have really changed between us. It's mostly me, and I know that. I don't know if it's just because of what I've gone through this year, or just growing up. Now, when I call her on the phone, I really want to talk to her about serious things, especially since I've been really upset lately. But, now when I get on the phone with her, I just get mad about stuff. I get annoyed with the things she says, or when she changes the topic with something like, "The dog did this today." I don't know if she realizes that I desperately need to cry to someone. Her answers are always something like, "We'll figure it out," or "You just need time to heal." It isn't that I need an answer right now anyway. I just need comfort, and I'm not getting that right now. Sometimes I want to call her because I'm stressed or lonely, but I don't because I know it won't help anyway. I'm out of words to say to her sometimes, and I'm sure she'll just change the topic to something completely unrelated anyway.

Maybe she's just tired of hearing me complain. That's all I ever do around her anymore.

This weekend we're supposed to go to Asher's house. She keeps telling me how excited she is, and I want to be too, but I really just can't get my mind to do that anymore. All I can see right now is how painful it's going to be because we're going to have to talk about the future and then have to move on like we aren't affected by it at all.

I don't understand what I really want anymore, and what will make me happy. I just want things to be the way they were when the only things we had to worry about is picking the raspberries off the bush before the birds got to them.

-Lisa

Stage 1

2008-04-22T17:13:00.004-04:00

Somehow I get the feeling that I'm going to be writing a lot in the next couple of days, possibly multiple times a day.

I just had a thought, and it made a couple things a little clearer for me. This has been true for me for a long time, and it's still a major part of how I learn.

When I learn, I want to gain experience and knowledge, simply because I want to be better in that area. Art, video, photography, writing...

I learn because I want to.

When I have to follow a schedule, a lesson plan, and have to be graded on what I'm taking in, I close up. Not on purpose. My mind just shuts down when I am forced to learn something. Even if it is something I want to know, I can't be force fed information. I think this is more true for things I like than things I don't care much about. So many times I've said that I wish I could just sit in on classes and soak everything up. When you are taking a course, your mind is scrambled to take in information quickly so you can spew it back out on a test or paper.

Why do people have to be graded anyway? Is it a bribe? Or just a way to convince people to try hard? Well, I would work without a bribe. I would prefer it.

It's not really that I'm afraid of getting bad grades. I guess in my head it is just too much of a system. Like, 10 points off if you hand this in late. What does that matter? Shouldn't you be looking at the context?

This is only one issue I have with school. This still doesn't complete my big problem, but I guess it's a start in understanding what is going on.

Closed!

-Lisa

Misconception

2008-04-22T10:56:00.004-04:00

I feel like I'm leading you on to believe something that isn't true. The words I write here don't make sense when I re-read them. I just don't know how to put this situation I'm in into comprehensible words.

The way is sounds, is that I'm tired of being in school, and that I just don't want to work, or that I don't have any confidence in myself.

This isn't what I'm trying to get at though. I have confidence in myself for the most part. I am basically content with my abilities. I would always like to improve, and learn more, but school just isn't doing that for me.

School just isn't working for me. It might help me get a job at some point, but that isn't the kind of job I want.

I don't want to be in this school, or an school ever again.

It's like I'm just compromising. Barely that even. It's like.... This class might touch on a subject I'm sort of interested in, even though it has nothing to do with my major. I guess I'll take that. Every class I've looked at is made up of things I don't care about in the least. Even subjects that are supposed to revolve around the things I'm interested are just a jumble of useless information. Like the history of film, or SPEECH.

I don't need or want someone to ask, "Have you ever considered this class/school/job/mindset?" I don't need any of that. I don't really know what I need. Not just a vacation either. Students all over campus are burnt out and just dying for summer vacation. Everyone wants school to be over. I want school to be over, but not just for the summer. I want to be out of here for good. It's not that I need a break to collect my thoughts on this. I don't need time to heal. I know what I want now. Just ignoring what I want and continuing with this idea that time is going to solve everything is just an excuse not to do anything. Time. I'm not waiting for anything. What can time do for me?

In the end, I just know that it is impossible for me to do this for three more years.

I wonder if this is making any more sense than my last entry.

This is hard. I can't even think anymore. I've gone over this situation in my mind so many times that it's just becoming a blur. I can't stop thinking about it either. I can't go through a day without wondering what's going to happen to me, and who I am going to disappoint. I know that if this ever ends, someone is going to be upset with me. If no one else, I will be with myself.

When did life become so hard?

I've been feeling constantly sick lately. Like I'm waiting for something to happen. It's the feeling you get when you know you have a huge speech to make in the next couple minutes, but those minutes are lasting forever.

When I lived in pretend
My goals were clear
The future was bright
And pretend let me believe
There was something I lived for

I guess I'll just think about this some more and try to come up with a way to present this problem more clearly.

-Lisa

A Serious Decision - I Am My Own Chapter

2008-04-21T13:55:00.006-04:00

I don't think I've ever been at such a hard point before this school year. Deaths, insanity, quarrels, and now this. I'm really at a loss.

As I write this, I am not being influenced by raging feelings. Feelings are always a part of a human's thoughts, but in this particular moment, I am just saying that they aren't making me blind. I feel like I can see very clearly, but the only things to see is emptiness.

It's like the whole world is trying to get to this goal, but they don't know what it is because no one has ever seen it. Still, they want to get there. I can see it though. The people aren't getting closer, they're just running in place. Only those who stop and look can see the end, and it's just an end. An empty area.

I'm just aiming towards nothing. Maybe other people can be okay with that, but I can't. I can't live knowing that I'm not going anywhere.

People tell me things like I have talent, there are a lot of things I can do, there's potential. But for what? What does that even matter? What if I don't even want to do any of that?

All I know is I like to write what I want to write, and that I like using cameras.

That's it.

That doesn't mean I want to make either of those into this life-long career. I used to think I wanted to, but I'd rather not have to write garbage I don't care about, or have an editor breathing down my neck, pestering me to get done. I don't want to film or photograph stupid things I don't care about either. I don't want to be in television. I hate television.

That's all that there is though. Either that, or be poor.

Maybe I want to be poor.

Honestly, all I want is to freelance. I know it's hard, but I really don't care. If someone wants to buy anything from me, I will be flattered. I hope that someone will, somewhere. But I don't want my life to be ruled by someone else. I hate this.

I want to quit school. There is nothing here for me. Nothing. There is nothing I look forward to doing here. The only thing waiting for me in the years to come is more suffering. I'm not saying this because of my current feelings or the situations I've had to deal with. There is just simply nothing I want from here. The classes I've taken so far, I can't even remember. It's just a waste of time. The classes I'm taking now that I thought I would like, have blown up into a disaster. I dread going to them. They make me sick.

I'm really at a loss here. I don't know what I want to do. I know what want now, but it's impossible.

That's the most irritating part about this. It's not impossible. I'm really at a conflict with myself. I know my parents know best. But at the same time, I don't think this is really where I should be. Am I just crazy? Even if I am, shouldn't I at least be comfortable a little?

This is so hard to put into words.

For a different person in my situation, if they wanted to get an apartment, they would. It's probably cheaper than what it costs to be in a dorm, and it is much more pleasant. Its real too; not a world of sick, high, drunk teenagers that think they are adults. If anyone else wanted to, they would just leave. Simple.

So why am I here? I really can't figure that out. If I don't want to be here, why do I have to be? What is holding me here? Nothing. Except an invisible law.

It's the same with school in general. I know people who didn't bother to go to college and they're doing just fine. Or, those who did go to college, and tried their best, never ended up using their degree at all. It's just whatever job happened to tumble through that gets picked up, and you work at that. Who uses a college degree anymore...?

Most of it is garbage anyway. All people want is the name of the school on some stupid piece of paper. No one cares what you know, or if you're any good at something. I want to be out of this.

If I want to write... why don't I just write? Do I really need four philosophy classes and two religion to do that? Who can force me to? You can't stop me from writing if I don't partake in this joke.

But I am being stopped. I'm forced to stay in this pitiful society. I just want to be out of this hell. It's pointless. It isn't helping me at all. In fact, it has only destroyed who I am, and I know I can never be the person I once was. It's like going through war, and I just don't want to be in it anymore. I surrender.

Yeah, I kind of want to talk to someone, but I wouldn't know what to say. Lately, I haven't been able to speak any words to someone I know cares without crying. So, I don't say anything. What would I say anyway? I wouldn't know where to start. I know they can't help me anyway. I don't know what to do. I guess I'm the only one that can make a decision for myself. But... that doesn't get rid of the "law" either.

Some of you may be suspecting that the "law" is my parents wishes. You are partially right. But it isn't that simple either. I am my own law also. I know what my parents want me to do. They aren't overbearing (most of the time) about school issues, but they still have expectations on certain things. Going to college is kind of just something that you do, you know? After high school is college. People do that. Not going to college is kind of taboo. I don't know... it's just expected.

That's why I say that if I was anyone else, I could just drop out of school right now. Without ties, and no one expecting you to live up to something, you can do a lot of things you couldn't do before. If I really didn't care what my parents wanted, I could.

That sounds really terrible. My parents aren't bad people. They really know plenty more than me. I know that I should listen to what they have to say, and I do. I can't really think of any time I went against what they said when something major came along. Things have been okay too. I believe in them. They have more insight on life matters than I could ever have.

But....

What if this is an exception? Can they really see into my heart that much? Not even just my heart. My soul. It hurts, and I really don't think that anyone else can imagine what this feels like.

Am I going to screw up? Am I going to do something really stupid? I don't think I will, but whatever decision I make, I'm sure I'll regret something. If I quit school now, I'll think that my life probably could have been better if I didn't. But if I don't do something soon...

Is that all there really is? A better life? What is that? Wealth? I don't care about that. I just want to live. Why does that have to be so difficult?

How do normal people get by? Do they just accept it? Or do they just not think about it?

I feel totally lost. I barely even do anything when I go to work now. I login and then go back to my room. I could really care less. No, I don't need medicine. This isn't about me being confused and depressed anymore. This is me with real thoughts and real feelings. Maybe I need something for stress, or something to keep me stable, but medicine isn't going to change my feelings towards this useless time of school. Neither is time. I'm not waiting for something.

I just want to enjoy life. I can't be content with anything. I want to be genuinely happy. Every moment I have, I'm just crying and moping about how stupid life is.

What about just switching schools, or doing college online?

I don't think that would really solve anything. The point is that there isn't really anything I want to do anymore. It's not that I'm lazy or that I just don't want to work. I would like to work, but it has to be a certain kind. My dream is to work in a bakery, where people can chat while they drink their coffee or tea (or hot chocolate!) and just enjoy moments of sweetness in a cozy area. I would bake cookies and brownies and cute little cakes with pretty frostings. Isn't that simple?

Anything I want to do, I want to just do it myself. I'm tired of asking this world for help. I want it to leave me alone and let me do what I want for a change.

This is what I really want.

I want an apartment for me and my cat to live in. I'll cook breakfast, we'll watch cartoons together. I'll paint on the walls if I feel like it. We'll share stories in the evening and cuddle on the couch all night if we want, not having to worry.

It's too surreal, isn't it. I wonder if I'm just idealising something that really isn't that sweet. I did that with college. I thought it would be great. I would be myself, and find people who I could be comfortable with, and we would be a quirky, artsy crew, learning things you couldn't learn anywhere else.

It turned into something I never wanted. I can't even put it into words. I just really hate this.

I would miss things. If I didn't come back here, I would have people to miss. I really do love some people here, but somehow we still aren't close. People I respect. Like Master Schrippa, KB, Hutch, Roche, Hannan....

Most of these people... no, I'm sure that all of these people don't know how must I really look up to them.

Isn't that funny? Adults. Why is it that I am always drawn more to people so much older than me? I suppose it doesn't matter.

The time here has been dreadfully horrendous, but there have been good things too. I can live on my own. I feel like I've learned more about myself, and I think I take care of myself and my surroundings more. I even started recycling. I've been given a different perspective on a lot of things.

But, I'm ready to be done now. I've learned the important things.

Am I kidding myself...? I get this feeling that I'm pulling a big joke on myself.

By the way, I look fun today.

-Lisa

Opposite Hope - A Dog's Day

2008-04-19T23:49:00.004-04:00

I'm feeling down. I want to give up. I want to quit school. I want an apartment and be terribly poor and work all day at a cafe I love. I want to give up on love and hope. I want to be alone, but not lonely. I want to cook breakfast every morning and even have things like honey and orange juice. I want to bake in my own kitchen and clean my own dishes by hand. I want to paint my own walls. I want to run away to a nameless land, but not imaginary. I want to eat food when I want to eat it. I want to go out late at night for no particular reason. I want to be friends with strangers in a city, but they won't cling to me. I want to eat something with substance that doesn't come out of a box. I want to have a crush on a cute boy and never tell him my name, but imagine we are in love. Then, I want him to move away. I want a dog.

An Old English Sheepdog...

...or a Maremma...

...or a Terrier of some kind...

...or a golden retriever.

Time to mope around.

By the way, I look like crap today.

-Lisa

Sailing Across the Sea

2008-04-10T19:37:00.003-04:00

There's a lot to talk about, isn't there? Maybe. What comes next, I don't know. We'll just have to wait and see.

I've been feeling better lately. I've been able to function and I've even had some genuine good days with good feelings and thoughts. I don't exactly like the idea that I have to take medicine to get there, but as long as I don't want to die, that's good, right?

Its been really tough. Life seems so pointless, and yet we have to keep living. I don't even know what we're living for. I still have thoughts like these, but the natural state of the euphoric human mind says, "Oh well."

There's been a lot I've wanted to figure out about myself since the beginning of... whatever this is, but I haven't had the mental stability to. I haven't had the willpower either. I want to know what it is that is making me feel so down. What is wrong? What do I want? What will make me feel better?

These are the questions other people ask me, but I never know what to say. I generally make a statement related to school. "I'm stressed," or, "I have a lot of work to do." Are these even true? That's what I want to look at.

Did you know that I can't even remember what happened at the beginning of the semester? I do vaguely, but it's like there's a hole where those memories are. I think if I just sat and thought for a while, I might be able to remember pieces, or I could go back and reread my emails and blog entries, but I don't want to have to return to that. I can't remember, but that doesn't mean that I'm not still suffering. It's like a deep wound, but I don't know how it got there. I guess it doesn't matter how, that fact is that it hurts and needs to be taken care of.

But, I don't even know where the wound is.

Sometimes I wish an English professor would read my blog and think, "Wow, she has great style," or, "She's brave to write so truthfully(in a good way)." Likewise, I wish other certain professors would read and be able to better understand the way I think. I'd want them to kind of stumble upon it without me having to tell them. That's weird, don't you think?

As a kid I would always show my diary entries to my mom. Somehow, just writing my thoughts down isn't good enough for me. If they can't be read, there's no relief. I want people to know how I feel, but I can't tell them.

Now I'm blank. What was I getting at again...?

Lately, I feel like I'm out of words. Like, I've used them all up and now there is nothing left to say.

What has been happening lately?

Well, I rediscovered why I never involve myself in forums anymore. I was on the Hello-Online forum for a couple days (observing anyway), trying to keep up to date with what is happening with Kago Ai (News article). Forums are just full of people who think they know everything. It's all just people misunderstanding each other, and correcting each other on a completely irrelevant topic. I've heard people say before that they don't care if they say something mean to someone online, because they are just a person on the Internet. Yeah, a person. Just because they are online doesn't make them any less human.

There's also more than I can take of speculation, especially on Hello!Online. All people ever do are speculate on who is going to be in a scandle next, who is going to graduate, who is more truthful in the idol world, what people probably think, and what they might do next. I'm really tired of hearing what people think other people might do. You can't anaylze someone's life like that and formulate what is going to come next. Not only is it disturbing, it's dehumanizing.

Ah, one more thing. The majority of blogs, forums, and comments left on news articles or products, have a terribly negative response... from fans. Don't you find that a bit odd to be a fan of someone, but continually complain about them and say bad things? I guess I'm the only one who likes who I admire...?

Moving on...

I guess I'll give a brief taste of my feelings on Kago's "return."

I was really happy to see her again. When she was in Morning Musume, and even after she graduated, I really didn't like her all that much. I didn't exactly follow Momusu in those stages though, because I only started keep close tabs around late 2005(?). Although I did like them for a long time, I wasn't well versed on the history of the group, or the present either. I didn't know who had graduated, and who had a solo career. I remember printing of a page with their names, photos, and generation so I could study it. Now, it's sometimes hard for me to grasp the idea of people not being able to tell the girls apart.

Anyway, for a while I didn't like her because I felt like she was a nuisance. She was too much of a troublemaker and she didn't follow the "rules" of being an idol (not the real rules, things like etiquette). To me, she didn't seem to take her position seriously.

Eventually I grew to love her though. I realized she was just having fun, like a girl her age should. I can't image what kind of pressure she must have had at the time (and after reading the article I learned it was even more than just the job). I'm glad she could have fun with it. Somehow, everyone just loved her.

Kago looks so grown up in the photos. I really like that. Other people have said that she is "trying to look grown up." To me, I believe she just honestly has grown up. She is 20.

She looks beautiful, don't you think? I didn't recognize her at first. I hadn't read the headline yet and just saw the photo and though, "Who is that cute girl?" She was always cute before, but that was a sort of little girlish, idol-cute. Now she's just a very sweet, beautiful young woman.

While others have said she is going back into show business (I don't know if this is just a rumor, or if its official), I really can't say how I feel about that. She has enormous amounts of talent, and I would just love to be able to see more of her, but I want to be able to see the true girl, not a fancied-up pop singer. I just want everything to go well with her. It's in these situations where I wish I could be her friend. Not just a fan to cheer her on, or a friend because I admire her. I just wish I could be someone she could always turn to. I don't think she has anyone for that. The life of an idol really is sheltered.

I just hope she'll be okay.

I kind of expected there would be a different reaction to this news. I thought people would be doing everything they could to get information, or go to extensive lengths to show they're excitement that she would be returning to show business. Most of what I've seen is people being interested at first, analyzing, speculating, and then going on to other things. It's like... "I'll look at this later, or sometime."

Well, it's time for some photos.

I purchased some candy from Wizzy Wigs, and was kind of disappointed. The one thing I wanted more than anything, Strawberry mochi, was discontinued. Unfortunately, they didn't say this on the page, and instead sent my order, minus the mochi. If I had known, I probably wouldn't have bought anything at all.

I got this melon mochi, and I was going to put the strawberry and melon together for a cute watermelon-esque photo. Now, it's just melon, but still kind of cute. I don't particularly like the taste. It tastes just like the korean hard candy, but somehow I don't like it in this form. The filling has a definate bean paste texture that I didn't ever notice on the strawberry.

This is a close-up leaf cookie from the bakery in Kinokuniya. Delicious!!

Eel! That was actually really good! I'd love to go back and have some more.

This was what Erika ordered. Eel, salad, teriyaki chicken, rice, dumpling soup. I also got dumpling soup and rice. Asher wanted me to try his miso soup and asked what it reminded me of. All I could think of was the barn. Cows. He said he did too, but he thought he was just crazy. It didn't taste bad, or smell bad. It was just... a memory? It was like we could taste the smell (but not in a bad way).

I went to their house for the weekend and we played video games and walked around Princeton and NYC. It was a nice time. I liked being able to be away from school.

That's all for now. I can't remember the other stuff I was going to say, but I'll write again eventually.

-Lisa

To Be a Machine

2008-04-01T18:41:00.002-04:00

Today is a thinking day, with quite a bit to think about. Mind you, thoughts are likely to be scattered and nonsensical.

I have to wonder why people are still hanging on to friendship. It's really painful, you know? Why grip at the very last taste of something when it's only bringing trouble? Shouldn't it just end and be done with?

I've obviously hurt people somehow, and I really can't be bothered to try to mend things. If its over, then fine. Let it be. End it and forget it. Don't try to constantly awaken a feeling that is already lost. If all I bring is trouble for you, then leave me alone. That's all either of us want, isn't it?

By the way, just so I don't get in any trouble, those of you reading this shouldn't think anything that is going on in my mind is directed towards you. Often times, anything in my mind that goes here isn't based on anyone in particular. They are just fragments and puffs of thoughts and feelings. I'm only cleansing the soul a bit.

Speaking of souls, mine hasn't yet recovered. I'm sure it never will full recover either. The medicine has led me to believe that most of it has been taped back together. But somehow it still isn't complete. It's like there is a puncture in it and bits of me are slowly dripping out. I wonder when I'll finally be empty?

I know that sometimes, when I'm feeling down, I just let myself get down really far. I know I can stop it, and I realise that I'm doing this to myself, but when you're sinking, sometimes you just want to sink completely. Sometimes that's all you can do. Then you have to wait for someone to pull you out, but that doesn't always happen.

So much is expected of me right now, and it really shouldn't be. Have't I been through enough for people to understand that I can't handle normal life? Every decision I have to make in the day weighs me down. It's heavy....

Right now, I just want to start over. Clean. Completely. I want to begin without any attatchments hanging on to me. Maybe I'll run away to a land that doesn't exist.

I want to be away from everyone. Alone.

I wish that dreams could really be an "escape." They could be a place where no one else can find you. It would be safe. It would be a place where you could be quiet, and think, or perhaps not think, and simply be.

Instead, dreams are a mush of nonsense that often leaves us dripping with a demented horror left behind in our mind in a place we can't run from when it chases us, or find it when we need it.

-Lisa

Something Bittersweet

2008-03-25T23:04:00.003-04:00

This is hard to talk about. I don't know if it's just the night, or if I really don't want to dive back into it right now.

A lot of things have happened, and I'm an emotional wreck. My body shakes constantly, my heart races at times, and I feel like I'm going insane.

I got a hold of some medicine, and got to a doctor (a real doctor, not a counselor) who signed the forms to get me a single room next year. At the point I'm at right now, I can't even really be satisfied with that though. I feel like it won't really help. I'll still be alone, and this time I really will be.

I guess I've grown attached to Jessica. I still like it when she goes to class, or somewhere during the evening or weekend, because I can have time to myself. It's been nice having someone around that I know isn't watching me and waiting to attack me all the time. I feel safe around her. Once in a while we'll just say little things to each other, or ask a question, or say something philosophical. I like that.

Next year, I think I'll miss that. I know I'll miss her. It's become normal to have her and Anthony around. She's going to do school online next year, and I think things just won't be the same.

Besides that, I've been doing better. I haven't been staying up all night in tears, and I've started doing a couple things again. Miraculously, I started typing up some ideas for a story when I was at home. I have two pages of notes so far, and I'm still brainstorming. Hopefully something can come out of that.

The problem isn't solved. Whatever that might be. I've been able to cope with things better, but whatever it is that is eating me away is still there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed they say things they don't really mean. The world seems dark to them, and they grab at everything that's sad to clump into themselves. After they are done with it, they return to a "regular" state, forgetting all the problems that seemingly troubled them before.

That isn't what is happening here. Everything is clinging to me, and its all very real. Even when I'm enjoying myself, the troubles are still hanging on. I'm not always thinking about it, but that doesn't mean they are gone. This isn't just something I can move on from. I'm being broken apart, and I really don't know why.

That's all for now.

-Lisa

PTS

2008-03-09T15:59:00.002-04:00

I think I just realized I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Taken from the online wikipedia
"Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which affect the person's ability to cope with stress.
A traumatic event involves a single experience, or an enduring or repeating event or events, that completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. The sense of being overwhelmed can be delayed by weeks or years, as the person struggles to cope with the immediate danger. Trauma can be caused by a wide variety of events, but there are a few common aspects. It usually involves a feeling of complete helplessness in the face of a real or subjective threat to one's life or to that of loved ones, to bodily integrity, or sanity. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world and of their human rights, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. This is also seen when people or institutions depended on for survival violate or betray the person in some unforeseen way."